Driving the Peterbilt: Bible Critique by Ryoga M

2 Kings 5: Elisha Heals Leper

2011-08-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

Naaman: What a world. I'm captain of the host of the king of Syria, a great man with my master, and honorable, a mighty man in valor, but I'm also a leper.

Naaman's wife: At least you still have your peck....

Servant: To bad he isn't with the prophet in Samaria. He'd cure the leprosy.

Naaman: You think?

King of Syria: Worth a try, right? Go ahead, I'll send a letter to the king of Israel so he'll let you come.

Naaman: I'd better take some money with me, as well. Ten talents of silver, six thousand pieces of gold, and ten changes of raiment should do it.

LATER

Naaman: Here's a letter from my knig explaining everything.

King of Israel: Let's see it. Blah, blah, Naaman, Blah, blah, LEPROSY! Blah, Blah, Healer? What the hell! Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that your king sends to me to heal a man of his leprosy? Clearly, he seeks a quarrel against me.

Naaman: That's not quite the reception I expected.

LATER

Guy: So, he tore his clothes and said that.

Elisha: Really? Messenger!

Messenger: Yes?

Elisha: Go to the king of Israel and tell him I said, "Why have you rent your clothes? Let him come now to me, and he shall know that there is a prophet in Israel."

Messenger: Will do.

LATER

Naaman: Hello, is anyone home.

Messenger: Someone is at the door. I think it's the leper.

Elisha: Groos. I almost forgot. You go and tell him to go wash in the Jordan river seven times, and that his flesh shall come again to him and be clean.

Messenger: Go wash in the river.

Naaman: What!?! How dare he! I thought, "He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.

Messenger: Yeah, God is a little tricky like that. Sometimes he can just zap you healthy. Sometimes you got to do a whole song and dance for him. God wants you to do the song and dance.

Naaman: And the Jordan river? Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? May I not wash in them, and be clean?

Messenger: Guess not.

Naaman: Bah! What a stupid, stupid God.

Servants: My father, what if the prophet had asked you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much better then, when he says to you, "Wash, and be clean?"

Naaman: You may be right. Fine, I'll do it.

LATER

Naaman: And number seven.

Servants: Look, your skin is clean! Too bad God doesn't let every leper heal themselves this way. God's kind of a dick.

Naaman: Now, let's go show Elisha!

LATER

Naaman: Elisha! Behold, now I know that there is no God in all the earth, but in Israel, now therefore, I pray you, take a blessing of your servant.

Elisha: As the Lord lives, before whom I stand, I will receive none.

Naaman: Pretty please?

Elisha: Nope.

Naaman :Shall there not then, I pray you, be given to your servant two mules' burden of earth? For your servant will henceforth offer neither burnt offering nor sacrifice to other gods, but to the Lord. In this thing the Lord pardon your servant, that when my master goes into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leans on my hand, and I bow myself in the house of Rimmon, when I bow down myself in the house of Rimmon, the Lord pardon you servant in this thing.

Elisha: Sure. Go in peace.

Gehazi: Elisha might not want anything, but I do. Hey, Naaman, wait!

Naaman: Is all well?

Gehazi: Yes, but, uh, my master has sent me, saying, "Behold, even now there come to me from mount Ephraim two young men of the sons of the prophets, give them, I pray you, a talent of silver, and two changes of garments."

Naaman: Be content, take two talents and some clothes.

Ghazi: Thanks! Bye bye, now!

LATER

Ghazi: The perfect crime.

Elisha: Where have you been?

Ghazi: No where.

Elisha: Went not my heart with you, when the man turned again from his chariot to meet thee? Is it a time to receive money, and to receive garments, and oliveyards, and vineyards, and sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and maidservants?

Ghazi: Uh, maybe?

Elsiah: No. So, now, the leprosy of Naaman shall cleave unto you, and unto your seed forever.

Ghazi: What? Not my children. they did nothing wrong!

Elisha: Tough. Git.

Ghazi. I'm white as snow. That sucks.

2 Kings 4: Elisha Helps a debtor, Raises the Dead, and Feeds People

2011-08-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

AT ELISHA'S PLACE

A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets: Elisha, your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant did fear the Lord and the creditor is come to take my two sons to be bondmen.

Elisha: Life's tough all over. Shouldn't have lived beyond your means, and this wouldn't have happened.

Women: What!?

Elisha: Well, what shall I do for you? Tell me, what have you in the house?

Women: Only a pot of oil.

Elsiha: Great! Go borrow empty vessels from your neighbors. And when you go home, pour oil into all those vessels until they're all full.

Women: Hmm. Okay, I'll try it.

LATER

Women: Well, here goes nothing. Huh, I just keep filling vessels with this oil. Magic! I'll tell Elisha right now!

LATER

Elisha: Now, sell the oil, pay your debt and you and your children are free.

Women: Great! You've saved us!

Elisha: Nothing to it. Now, I must go to Shunem. Goodbye.

LATER, IN SHUMEN

Great Woman: Elisha! Good to see you again. Come, eat with us!

Elisha: Don't I always?

Great Woman: Husband, behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passes by us continually.

Husband: Huh, what? If you say so, dear.

Great Woman: Let us make a little chamber, I pray you, on the wall and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick and it shall be, when he comes to us, that he shall sleep here.

Husband: Whatever you want, dear. You do that.

Great Woman: Hear that, Elisha, you can come stay with us, anytime.

Elisha: Don't mind if I do.

THAT NIGHT

Elsha: Hey, Gehazi, my servant, call this Shunammite.

Gehazi: Okay. Hey, Great Woman!

Great Woman: Yes, Elisha, you called...for me?

Elisha: Behold, you have taken care of us very well. Is there anything I can do for you? Would you be spoken for to the king, or to the captain of the host?

Great Woman: Oh, no, nothing like that.

Gehazi: Hey, she has no kids, and her husband is old, if you get my meaning. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Elisha: Well, that I can do. Next year, about this time, you will have a son.

Great Woman: Don't lie to me, you man of God.

Elisha: You'll see.

THE NEXT YEAR

Elisha: See? Told you?

Great Woman: Thanks, Elisha!

ABOUT 18 YEARS LATER

Kid: Owww!

Father: So, what happened?

Kid: I fell down, and hurt my head!

Father: Take him to his mother.

Mother: He looks terrible.

Father: He looks dead.

Mother: Put his body on Elisha's bed. I must go out to find Elisha. I need a servant and an ass.

Father: Whatever you say, dear.

LATER, AT MOUNT CARMEL

Elisha: Hey, Gehazi, look it's that Shunammite women.

Gehazi: The one you made have a kid, I remember.

Elisha: Go ask her if everything is well.

Gehazi: Okay. Hey, lady, is everything....

Great Woman: Elisha! Oh, Elisha!

Gehazi: Lady, get a hold or yourself, you're making a scene!

Elisha: Leave her alone, something is obviously bothering her.

Great Woman: My son is dead!

Elisha: Oh, is that all. Gehazi, go to the corpse and put my staff on his face.

Great Woman: I'll go with you.

Elisha: Have fun raising the dead!

LATER

Gehazi: So, that's the body, huh? Well, he goes nothing.

Great Woman: Nothing's happening.

Gehazi: Got to say, 'm actually a little relieved. We better go get Elisha to ahndle this.

LATER

Elisha: Well, we're back. Where's the stiff?

Great Woman: Here.

Elisha: On my bed. Nice. Whew. Should open a window in here. Getting a little ripe. Here, you two get out and close the door. I'll handle this alone from here. Dear God, save the kid. Let's see, I just lay on him, put my mouth on his, hold his hands a little. Well, the body is starting to warm up. I wonder if necrophilia is the cure for all death or just this one? I must make notes. Geeze, you'd think God would just revive the child without me getting all touchy-feely.

Child: Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew!Ahchew! Brains!

Elisha: Hey, the kid's alive! Hey, Gahazi, call the Shunammite!

Gehazi: Okay.

Great Woman: Yes?

Elisha: Take up your son, he's alive.

Great Woman: Thank you, thank you!

Elisha: We better get to Gilgal.

LATER, IN GILGAL

Gehazi: There appears to be a dearth in the land. Here comes some sons of prophets.

Elisha: Better make some pottage, they look hungry.

Gehazi: Let's see, I've found some herbs, gourds, wild vine. Don't know what the gourds are, but, what the heck.

Elisha: Here, have some.

Son of Prophets:Thanks. This tastes...O man of God, there is death in the pot. We cannot eat.

Gehazi: Really? Huh.

Elisha: Better luck next time. Throw some meal in there, that will fix it.

Man from Baalshalisha: Here, I've brought bread of the firstfruits, twenty loaves of barley, and full ears of corn in the husk. Give it to the people, that they may eat.

Gehazi: There's not enough to feed all hundred men.

Elisha: Don't worry. Give it to the people, that they may eat, for the Lord says, "They shall eat, and shall leave."

Gehazi: Well, there they go, they're leaving after eating. And not so much as a tip.

44 So he set [it] before them, and they did eat, and left [thereof], according to the word of the LORD.

2 Kings 3: Three Kings Against Moab

2011-08-14T05:43:00.000-07:00

Jehoram the son of Ahab: Now, that I'm king of Israel, I think I'll do evil in the sight of God. Not like my father or mother's evil, but like Jeroboam evil.

Mesha king of Moab: Now, with Ahab dead, I'm going to rebel against the king of Israel.

LATER

King Jehoram: Mesha is revolting. Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, the king of Moab has rebelled against me, will you go with me against Moab to battle?

Jehoshaphat: I will go up, I am as you are, my people as your people, and my horses as your horses.

Jeroham: Which way shall we go up?

Jehoshaphat: The way through the wilderness of Edom.

SEVEN DAYS LATER

King of Israel: Uh, did someone forget something?

King of Judah: You mean, like water?

King of Edom: I thought that was your job.

King of Israel: Alas! The Lord has called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab!

Jehoshaphat: Is there a prophet of the Lord, that we may inquire of the Lord?

Servant: Elisha the son of Shaphat, which poured water on the hands of Elijah, is around here somewhere.

Jehoshaphat: Yes, he'll do. The word of the LORD is with him. Let's go see him. All of us.

LATER

Three Kings: Hi, Elisha.

Elisha: What have I to do with you? Go to the prophets of your father, and to the prophets of your mother.

King of Israel: No, for the Lord has called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab.

Elisha: As the Lord of hosts lives, before whom I stand, surely, were it not that I regard the presence of Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would not look toward you, nor see you. But now bring me a minstrel.

Minstrel: You called?

Elisha: Play something jaunty.

Minstral: Will do.

Elisha: That's good.

God: Take that, Elisha! *Whack!*

Elisha: The hand of the Lord just cam upon me. Thus says the Lord, "Make this valley full of ditches. You shall not see wind, neither shall you see rain, yet that valley shall be filled with water, that you may drink, both you, and your cattle, and your beasts.

Jehoshaphat: Oh, course! Dig wells! Why didn't we think of that.

Elisha: And this is but a light thing in the sight of the Lord, he will deliver the Moabites also into your hand. And you shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones.

King of Israel: I like the way you think, God. Total war.

NEXT MORNING

Elisha: See, water by the way of Edom.

MEANWHILE

Moabites: The three kings have come to fight us. Everyone, put on your armor and stand at the border. Gosh, look over there. The water over there is red as blood. Surely, the three kings have slaughtered each other.

One Moabite: Uh, guys, the sun has just come up and is shining on the water. It's pretty, but I doubt that's blood.

Moabites: Shut up, you. Let's go down and see for ourselves.

Isrealites: Yawn! Man, what a good sleep. Hey, look everyone, the Moabbites are in our camp! Get them!

Moabites: Run away!

Israelites: Wheeee! We got them! Now, men, destroy their cities, destroy their farmland and wells! Kill all the good trees! Wheeee, mindless destruction is fun!

King of Moab: We must stop them! I need 700 men! Come with me, we must stop them!

Israelites: Ha! Not a chance!

King of Moab: Eldest son, come here. Son, I've got bad news and worse news.

Eldest son: What is it, father?

King of Moab: Well, son, the bad news is that you will not be king.

Eldest son: And the worse news?

King of Moab: I'm going to offer you as a burnt offering upon the wall.

Eldest son: ...That is worse news.

2 Kings 2: Elijah Gets a Trip on a U.F.O., Elisha Gets Bears to Kill Children

2011-08-14T04:43:00.000-07:00

God: Hey, Elijah, want to go for a ride?

Elijah: Sure, God. What you got?

God: Check it out!

Elijah: Whoa! That's some whirlwind! It's a chariot of fire with horses of fire!

God: Goes from zero to sixty in 3.5.

Elijah: Wow! Where will we going?

God: Heaven. But first, you have to go to Bethel.

Elijah: Can't you just drop me off there?

God: Naw. Maybe later. See ya.

Elisha: So, on to Bethel.

Elijah: Yeah. You stay here.

Elisha: No, let me come with you.

Elijah: Sure.

BETHEL

Sons of the Prophets that are at Bethel: Elisha, did you know that the Lord will take away your master from your head today?

Elisha: I did know that. Shut up.

Elijah: Hey, God now wants me to go to Jericho. Stay here.

Elisha: No, I want to go with you.

Elijah: Fine.

JERICHO

Sons of the Prophets that are at Jericho: Hey, Elisha, did you know that the Lord will take away your master from your head today?

Elisha: Uh, duh, everyone knows that.

Elijah: Shit. The Lord wants me to go to Jordan, now. You might as well stay here.

Elisha: No. I want to go with you.

Elijah: They're your feet.

AT JORDAN

Fifty Men of the sons of the prophets: There they are. At the river.

Elijah: Man, I hate getting my feet wet. Good thing I got my trusty cloak. Whip-pah!

Elisha: Nice. You perfectly split the water so we can walk on dry land.

One Man: I guess Elijah can't swim.

Elijah: Wow, what a day. Walking all over the place. Man, I wish god would have given us a lift in his cool whirlwind. So, what shall I do for you? No sex stuff.

Elisha: I want a double portion of your spirit be upon me.

Elijah: That's what she said. You ask for a hard thing...

Elisha: That's what he said.

Elijah: Heh. nevertheless, if you see me when I am taken from you, it shall be so, but if not, it shall not. Got it?

Elisha: Got it.

God: Yo, Elijah! I'm back!

Elisha: Wow! Check out that fire chariot! With four horse power!

Elijah: Guess my ride is here. See ya!

Elisha: Well, guess that's it. No more Elijah. I guess I'll tear my clothes in two. At least I got Elijah's mantle. Guess I'll go home.

AT THE JORDAN

Elisha: I wonder if I can do that trick with the water splitting? Let's see, where is the Lord God of Elijah? Smite! Well, hey, that worked.

Sons of the prophets: See that? He can't swim either. The spirit of Elijah does rest on Elisha. We better go down and bow to him.

Elisha: What's all this then?

Son of prophets: Behold now, there be with your servants fifty strong men, let them go, we pray you, and seek your master, in case the Spirit of the Lord has taken him up, and cast him upon some mountain, or into some valley.

Elisha: That does sound like something God would do. but, no do not go looking for him.

Sons: Please?

Elisha: Fine. Send fifty men.

THREE DAYS LATER, AT JERICHO

Sons: We can't find him.

Elisha: I told you not to go, didn't I?

Men of the city: Elisha, behold, I pray you, the situation of this city is pleasant, as my lord sees, but there is no water and the ground is barren.

Elisha: Bring me a new cruse, and put salt therein.

Men: Here you go.

Elisha: I'll just cast this in the spring of the water, like so. Thus says the Lord, "I have healed these waters, there shall not be from thence any more death or barren land."

Men: Thanks!

Elisha: Now, I need to go to Bethel. Goodbye.

LATER, ON THE ROAD

Little Children: Go up, you bald head, go up, you bald head!

Elisha: Oh, that's how it is. I curse you, in the name of the Lord, for making fun of my hair loss.

Little Children: Man, he's sensitive.

Bears: ROOOWR!

Little Children: Ahhh! Bears! We're being attacked by two she-bears! Oh, God, help us. Oh, it hurts! The teeth are ripping us to shreds! Blood! Blood everywhere! We're sorry about the baldhead, thing! Save us! Save us! ARRRRRRGH!

Elisha: Let's see. That's forty-two dead children, ripped to death by bears, for making fun of my hair-loss. That's fair. Thanks, God!

God: No problem. Glad to do it.

Elisha: Now, on to Samaria.

2 Kings 1: God Tells Ahaziah He's Gonna Die!

2011-06-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Moab: So, Ahab is dead. Time to rebel!

ELSEWHERE

Ahaziah: Whoh! I just fell down through a lattice in my upper chamber in Samaria. I feel sick. Messenger!

Messengers: Yes?

Ahaziah: Go, inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease.

Servants: Okay.

ELSEWHERE

Angel of the Lord: Elijah! Hey, Elijah!

Elijah: Oh, hey, Angel of the Lord. Can I help you?

Angel of the Lord: Yes. Get up and meet the messengers of the king of Samaria, and say to them, "Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that you go to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now, therefore, says the Lord, 'You shall not come down from that bed on which you are gone up, but shall surely die.'"

Elijah: And this will mean something to them?

Angel of the Lord: Yep.

LATER

Elijah: So, that's what God said. Any questions?

Messengers: No.

LATER

Ahaziah: Messengers, back already?

Messengers: Some guy came up to us and told us to tell you that God said, "Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that you send to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Therefore, you shall not come down from that bed on which you are gone up, but shall surely die."

Ahaziah: What manner of man was he that came up to meet you, and told you these words?

Messenger: He was a hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins.

Ahaziah: Elijah. I knew it. Captain!

Captain: Yes?

Ahaziah: Go get him.

Captain: Will do.

LATER

Captain: You there, you man of God, the king has said, "Come down."

Elijah: If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume you and your fifty.

God: Oh, hey, fun! Lightening strike!

Captain: AAAAARRRGH!

LATER

Ahaziah: Captain #2, go get Elijah.

Captain: Okay?

LATER

Captain: Elijah, O man of God, thus has the king said, "Come down quickly." Please don't hurt me.

Elijah: If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume you and your fifty.

Captain: We believe you! It's not my fault! Kill Ahaziah instead!

God: Lightening strike!

Captain: ARRRRGGH!

LATER

Ahaziah: Captain #3!

Captain:...Yes, sir?

Ahaziah: Go get him.

Captain: Sir, can I at least go alone, so I can spare my men?

Ahaziah: No. Take them as well.

LATER

Captain: Elijah, O man of God, I pray you, let my life, and the life of these fifty your servants, be precious in your sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties, therefore let my life now be precious in your sight.

Elijah: Yeah, uh, you do know that I asked that God killed them, right? Why should you be any different?

Angel of God: Elijah, go down with him, be not afraid of him.

Elijah: Okay.

LATER

Ahaziah: So, there you are Elijah. Finally.

Elijah: Thus says the Lord, "Forasmuch as you have sent messengers to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to inquire of his word? Therefore you shall not come down off that bed on which you art gone up, but shall surely die."

Ahaziah: Fine. ARRRGGGH!

Captain: Geeze, you just had to kill 102 men for that?

Jehoram: Yay! I'm the new king!

Captain: I need a drink.

1 Kings 22: God Needs Plumbers in Heaven

2011-06-12T04:44:00.000-07:00

THREE YEARS LATER

Jehoshaphat the king of Judah: Well, there's been three years of peace. I better go down to the king of Israel and stir things up.

MEANWHILE

Ahab, thee king of Israel: Servants, you know that Ramoth in Gilead is ours, and we have not taken it from the king of Syria?

Servants: Sure.

Ahab: Jehoshaphat, will you go with me to battle to Ramothgilead?

Jehoshaphat: I am as you are, my people as your people, my horses as your horses. But, ask at the word of the Lord today.

Ahab: Fine, prophets, should I go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall I forbear?

400 prophets: Go up, for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.

Ahab: See? 400 prophets can't be wrong.

Jehoshaphat: Is there not here a prophet of the Lord besides, that we might ask of him?

Ahab: There is yet one man, Micaiah the son of Imlah, by whom we may enquire of the Lord. But I hate him for he does not prophesy good concerning me, but evil.

Jehoshaphat: Let not the king say so.

Ahab: Fine. Officer, go get Micaiah the son of Imlah. Quickly. While we're waiting, we might as well let the other prophets prophesy for us.

Jehoshaphat: Should be good for a laugh. Call the first prophet.

Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah: Hi. Look. I made horns of iron. Thus says the Lord, "With these shall you push the Syrians, until you have consumed them."

Ahab: Very nice.

MEANWHILE

Messenger: Message for Micaiah! I have a message for Micaiah!

Micaiah: That's me.

Messenger: Ahab wants to see you. Please, all the other prophets are saying good things to him. Don't rock the boat, please?

Micaiah: As the Lord lives, what the Lord says to me, that will I speak.

Messenger: Pisser.

LATER

Ahab: So, Micaiah, shall we go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall we forbear?

Micaiah: Go, and prosper, for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.

Ahab: I don't believe you. How many times shall I adjure you that you tell me nothing but that which is true in the name of the Lord?

Micaiah: Fine. I saw all Israel scattered upon the hills, as sheep that have not a shepherd, and the Lord said, "These have no master, let them return every man to his house in peace."

Ahab: See, Jehoshaphat? Did I not tell you that he would prophesy no good concerning me, but evil?

Micaiah: Hear you therefore the word of the Lord. I saw the Lord sitting on his throne, and all the host of heaven standing by him on his right hand and on his left. And the Lord said, "Who shall persuade Ahab, that he may go up and fall at Ramothgilead?" And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, "I will persuade him." And the Lord said unto him, "How?" And he said, "I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets." And he said, "You shalt persuade him, and prevail also, go forth, and do so." Now therefore, behold, the Lord has put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these your prophets, and the Lord has spoken evil concerning you.

Ahab: What a prick. So, God wants me to fall at Ramothgilead, and he's willing to trick me into doing it with lies. What a bastard.

Micaiah: So, you believe me?

Ahab: Nah. But it sure sounds like something God would do. But why would he let you know the truth of his plan to trick me? Surely, he's smart enough to know not to let his top secret plans to trick someone get out. Otherwise, he'd have to be an idiot.

Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah: Feel my pimp hand, Micaiah!

Micaiah: Ow! Why'd you smack me!

Zedekiah: Which way went the Spirit of the Lord from me to speak to you?

Micaiah: You shall see in that day, when you shall go into an inner chamber to hide yourself.

Ahab: Take Micaiah, and carry him back unto Amon the governor of the city, and to Joash the king's son. And say, "Thus says the king, put this fellow in the prison, and feed him with bread of affliction and with water of affliction, until I come in peace."

Micaiah: If you return at all in peace, the Lord has not spoken by me. Hearken, O people, every one of you.

Ahab: So, Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, ready to go to Ramothgilead?

Jehoshaphat: Yes.

Ahab: I will disguise myself, and enter into the battle, but put on your robes.

Jehoshaphat: Seems risky.

Ahab: Sure, but that's just the kind of guy I am.

MEANWHILE

King of Syria: Captains, fight neither with small nor great, save only with the king of Israel.

Captains: Yes, sir!

LATER

Captains: There's Ahab! Get him!

Jehoshaphat: Help!

Captains: That's not Ahab! Break off, men.

Ahab: Ha! Fooled them! Nah, nah nah nah, OW!

Chariot driver: Uh, sir, you've got an arrow in you. Right in the joint of your harness. Good shot.

Ahab: Thanks, idiot, I can see that. Now, take me off the field. I'll just watch the battle from here. I feel woozy.

Chariot driver: Well, you're bleeding like a stuck pig.

Ahab:....

Chariot driver: Medic!

Medic: He's dead.

Chariot driver: Okay, fellas, listen up! I said, LISTEN UP! Thank you. Now, everyone go home, Ahab is dead, there's no need to keep fighting. Go home. Nothing more to see here. Go home.

Medic: Uh, what about Ahab's body?

Driver: We'll bury it in Samaria. Better get going.

LATER

Medic: Done and done.

Chariot driver: Hey, look, those dogs are licking up Ahab's blood from my chariot. Just like God said. Aren't they adorable!

Medic: They think they're people!

Ahaziah, Ahab's son: Well, I guess, I'm the new king! Woohoo!

Chariot driver: What happened to Jehoshaphat?

Ahaziah: Good question.

LATER

Jehoshaphat the son of Asa: Wow, what a close one. Guess God really did try to trick us into coming here. What a prick. I better make peace with him before he does the same to me. At least I get to reign over Judah now. And I'm only 35. First, thing I'm going to do is get rid of those sodomites. That will make God happy. Then I'll try to get some gold from Ophir. That's a good plan.

LATER

Jehoshaphat: Well, that was not a good plan. Time to die.

Jehoram, his son: Yay! Now, I'm king!

Ahaziah the son of Ahab: But I'm the king of Israel. And I'm going to serve Baal, because that seemed to work out so well for everyone else!

God: Not this shit, again.

1 Kings 21: God Punishes Ahab's Son for a Murder His Father Did Not Commit

2011-05-14T08:31:00.001-07:00

Naboth the Jezreelite: What a beautiful vineyard I have here in Jezreel, Right next to the palace of Ahab, king of Samaria, too.

Ahab: Hi. Give me your vineyard. I want to make a spice garden. I'll replace it will a vineyard of greater value or money. Your choice.

Naboth: Oh, I couldn't! The Lord forbid it, that I should give the inheritance of my fathers to you.

Ahab: Man, this is just not my day. I'm going home to bed.

LATER

Jezebel: Honey, what's wrong? You've gone to bed without even eating. You look so sad.

Ahab: Naboth won't sell me his land. I even made a really great offer for it. I really, really, wanted that spice garden.

Jezebel: Aren't you the king of Israel? Don't be such a baby. Get up, eat something, and I'll make sure he sells his land to you.

Ahab: Really? Thanks, Jezebel, you are a wonderful wife.

LATER

Jezebel: I'll just write a couple letters in Ahab's name, seal them with his seal, and send them to the elders and nobles of the city telling them to accuse Naboth of blaspheming God and the king. Then, he will be stoned, and Ahab will get his spice garden.

LATER

Elders and Nobles: So, Ahab wants us to falsely accuse Naboth of Blaspheming God and King? Well, why not. We have nothing better to do.

LATER

Messenger: Message for Jezebel from the elders of the city of Naboth.

Jezebel: Me? Why would they send the letter to me? I sent it under Ahab's name and seal. They should have sent it to him.

Messenger: I just deliver them, lady. Do you want the message or not?

Jezebel: Sure.

Messenger: Naboth has been stoned and is dead. Stop.

Jezebel: Excellent! I'll go tell Ahab right now! Ahab, get up and get your spice garden. Naboth is dead.

Ahab: Awesome! I'll go immediately! Yay! Spice gardens!

LATER

God: Elijah! Hey, Elijah!

Elijah the Tishbite: Yes, God?

God: Arise, go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, which is in Samaria. Behold, he is in the vineyard of Naboth, where he is gone down to possess it. You tell him, I said, "Have you killed, and also taken possession?" And you shalt speak to him, saying, "Thus says the Lord, 'In the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick your blood, even yours.'"

Elijah: Okay. But, is it far to accuse Ahab of murdering Naboth? I heard that Jezebel was the one who sent the letters to the elders to kill Naboth. Heck, they even sent the letter confirming his death to her, not Ahab. Ahab appears to have no knowledge of the matter.

God: Really? You sure? I thought the letters were signed by him and sealed with his seal?

Elijah: That's because Jezebel took them, apparently. Look, if the elders of the city of Naboth could see through the deception, shouldn't you?

God: Well, be that as it may or may not be, just deliver my message.

Elijah: Yes, Lord.

LATER

Ahab: So, my old enemy, you have found me again.

Elijah: Yes, I have found you because you have sold yourself to work evil in the sight of the Lord. So, God will bring evil upon you, and take away your prosperity, and cut you off from him that pisses against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will make your house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah, for the provocation wherewith you have provoked me to anger, and made Israel to sin.

Ahab: Awful!

Elijah: And the dogs shall eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel. Him that dies of Ahab in the city the dogs shall eat, and him that dies in the field shall the fowls of the air eat.

Ahab: Uh, what has Jezebel done?

Elijah: She forged a letter in your name that got Naboth killed.

Ahab: So, God is punishing me for something my wife did without my knowledge or approval?

Elijah: Well, that, plus, you did very abominably in following idols, according to all things as did the Amorites, whom the Lord cast out before the children of Israel.

Ahab: I see. Well, I am going to rend my cloths, put on sackcloth and fast, for my shame.

God: See, Elijah, how Ahab humbles himself before me? Because he humbles himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days, but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his house.

Elijah: Really? Your going to visit evil on the son of the man who committed evil, rather than the man himself? Your ideas of justice are interesting, to say the least.

God: I try.

1 Kings 20: God Hates Compassion

2011-05-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

Messenger: Message, message for Ahab, King of Israel!

Ahab: That's me.

Messenger: I, Benhadad the king of Syria, have gathered all my host together and 32 kings and have taken Samaria. Stop. Plus, I will have your silver, gold, wives and children. Stop. Suck it. Stop.

Ahab: You tell him, that, my lord, O king, I am yours, and all that I have.

Messenger: Man, you are easy. I'll go and tell Benhadad.

LATER

Messenger: Another message for Ahab.

Ahab: Yes?

Messenger: I, Benhadad, am sending three servants to your home and seize anything that you like. Stop.

Ahab: Hmmm. I see. Elders of the Land, to me!

Elders of Land: Yes?

Ahab: Benhadad seeks trouble. He's told me to send him my wives, children, silver and gold. And I agreed.

Elders: Well, that was dumb. Don't do it.

Ahab: Well, I already told him I would.

Messenger: I'm waiting for an answer.

Ahab: Well, tell him I"ll do the first thing, sending my wives, kids, silver and gold. I don't really like them anyway. But not the second thing.

Messenger: I'll tell him. But I don't think he'll like it.

LATER

Messenger: Ahab, Benhadad says, "The gods do so to me, and more also, if the dust of Samaria shall suffice for handfuls for all the people that follow me."

Ahab: Well, you tell him I said, "Let not him that girds on his harness boast himself as he that puts it off."

LATER

Messenger: That's what he said.

Benhadad: Well, thash jush great. Well, fine, servants, Set yourselfs in array against the shitty. I mean, city. Damn, thish is goooood alki-hol.

LATER

Prophet: Ahab? God has a message for you.

Ahab: Geeze, more messages. Hit me.

Prophet: God says, "Have you seen all this great multitude? Behold, I will deliver it into your hand this day, and you shall know that I am the Lord.

Ahab: By whom?

Prophet: Thus says the Lord, "Even by the young men of the princes of the provinces."

Ahab: Who shall order the battle?

Prophet: You.

Ahab: Excellent. Number the man and organize the people. Let's get this party started.

Servant: There are 232 young men, and 7000 people.

Ahab: And it's noon. Let's go.

AT BENHADAD'S

Benhadad: Man, I am sssoooooo drunk. What 'bout you'se guys?

Thirty-Two Kings: Totally wasted, dude.

Young Princes of the Provinces: King Hadad, some men are coming out of Samaria.

Benhadad: Well, if they come for peace, take them alive. If not, well, still take them alive.

Young Princes: Take them alive. Got it. Are you coming with us?

Benhadad: Shure, why not?

LATER

Princes of Provinces: Hi! We've come to take you alive.

Israelites: We've come to kill you. Have at you!

Princes of Provinces: Ulp!

Benhadad: Whooopsh! Better run away! Run away horsie! Run away!

Ahab: Awesome, men! We've got them on the run! Kill them all.

Servant: King Benhadad escaped.

Ahab: Every single time. Shit.

Prophet: Go, strengthen yourself, and mark, and see what you do, for at the return of the year the king of Syria will come up against you.

Ahab: So, why wait? Let me go kill him now!

Prophet: Um, no.

Ahab: Stupid God.

LATER, AT BENHADAD

Servants: Their gods are gods of the hills, therefore they were stronger than we. But let us fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they.

Benhadad: Yes, that is sound religious reasoning.

Servant: Also, take the kings away and put captains in their rooms, and number our army, like the army that you have lost, horse for horse, and chariot for chariot, and we will fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they.

Benhadad: Okay. But, if we field twice as many men and chariots as we did before AND fight in the plain, we'll be even more sure of winning.

Servants: Yes, but that won't prove our religious theory that our plains Gods are stronger than their mountain Gods.

Benhadad: Who gives a shit? I just want to win.

Servants: Please?

Benhadad: Fine.

THE NEXT TURN OF THE YEAR

Benhadad: Okay, Syrians, I've numbered you. Now, we go up to Aphek, to fight against Israel.

Ahab: Two can play that game. Israel, pitch before them!

Servants: Goodness, the Syrians fill the country.

Man of God: Ahab, the Lord says, "Because the Syrians have said, The Lord is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the Lord."

Ahab: Ha! Sweet! That will teach you to insult my God!

SEVEN DAYS LATER

Ahab: Geeze, this is taking longer than I thought.

Servants: Ahab! The battle is joined, we slain 100,000 footmen in one day! The rest have fled to Aphek. Then a wall fell on the 27,000 that were left. Benhadad is holed up in an inner chamber! We've won!

Ahab: Excellent!

MEANWHILE

Benhadad: So much for your religious theories, huh?

Servants: Behold now, we have heard that the kings of the house of Israel are merciful kings, let us, I pray you, put sackcloth on our loins, and ropes upon our heads, and go out to the king of Israel, perhaps he will save your life.

Benhadad: Sure, why not?

SOON

Ahab: Hi, Benhadad, my brother. Nice sackcloth you've got there.

Benhadad: The cities, which my father took from your father, I will restore, and you shall make streets for you in Damascus, as my father made in Samaria.

Ahab: I will send you away with this covenant. Now, git.

A Certain man of the sons of the prophets: Neighbor, in the word of the Lord, Smite me, I pray you.

Neighbor: No.

Certain man of the sons of the prophets: Because you have not obeyed the voice of the Lord, behold, as soon as you are departed from me, a lion shall slay you.

Neighbor: Really? First, I don't hear the voice of the Lord, I hear your voice. And, even if you speak for God, he is an ass to ask me to smite you, and a double ass if he kills me for not doing so. Good day!

Lion: Rowwr!

Neighbor: Screw you, God. ARRRRGGH!

Certain man: Let's see. Hey, you, Smite me, I pray you.

Man: Okay.

Prophet: Ouch. Thanks.

Man: Any time.

Prophet: Now, I'll disguise myself with ashes upon his face and wait for the king to walk by. There he is now! My king, your servant went out into the midst of the battle, and, behold, a man turned aside, and brought a man to me, and said, "Keep this man, if by any means he be missing, then shall your life be for his life, or else you shall pay a talent of silver." And as your servant was busy here and there, he was gone.

Ahab: So shall your judgment be, you have decided it.

Prophet: Aha!

Ahab: I see, you are one of the prophets!

Prophet: Thus says the Lord, "Because you have let go out of your hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people."

Ahab: Really? God hates compassion, huh? You tell God I said, "Fuck you." I'm going to Samara.

1 Kings 19: Elijah Goes on The Run

2011-04-23T05:08:00.001-07:00

Ahab: So, Jezebel, it looks like Baal lost. And Elijah then had all the Baal priests slain.

Jezebel: Oh, Baal lost, did he? Messenger, go to Elijah and tell him, "Let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time."

Messenger: Let the who do the what now?

Jezebel: He knows what it means.

LATER

Elijah: Great Scott! Jezebel wants to kill me. Too bad God is too busy to do something about it, I better run away! To Beersheba!

LATER, IN BEERSHEBA

Elijah: Okay, servant, you stay here, while I go into the wilderness to talk to God.

Servant: Okay.

LATER, UNDER A JUNIPER TREE

Elijah: Oh, God, please let me die. I am no better than my fathers. Man, so sleepy.

Angel: Hey, Elijah! Wake up and eat.

Elijah: Huh, whatzat? Hey, look at that, a cake baked on the coals, and a cruse of water at my head. Who know angels knew how to cook? Yummy. Tastes great. But I'm so sleepy again.

Angel: Hey, Elijah, get up and eat, the journey is too great for you.

Elijah: Well, okay. If you say so. I guess I better get walking. I guess I'll go to Horeb, the mountain of God.

FORTY DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS LATER

Elijah: Man! What was in that angel bread? I've haven't had to eat anything since I ate that stuff. And here I am, Horeb. that cave looks like a good place to hang for a bit.

God: Hey, Elijah, what you doing here?

Elijah: Everyone's trying to kill me, Lord. Israel's forsaken your covenant, destroyed all your alters, killed all your prophets. I'm the only one left. It's a total bummer.

God: What about that cool lightshow I just did?

Elijah: I don't know.

God: Well, go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord.

Elijah: Okay, I'm standing.

God: Are you watching?

Elijah: Yes.

God: Okay. Now, here I come! Woooooosh!

Elijah: Whoa! Man, God you just passed by and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and broke the rocks to pieces!

God: Yes, sorry, had Mexican for lunch.

Elijah: Then there was an Earthquake and fire!

God: Refried beans. Get me every time.

Elijah: Wow.

God: So, can you hear me now?

Elijah: Is that a still small voice?

God: Yes, go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus and when you come, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria, and anoint Jehu the son of Nimshi to be king over Israel and anoint Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shall to be prophet in your room. And it shall come to pass, that him that escapes the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay and him that escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay.

Elijah: Well, I still left 7000 in Israel who aren't Baal worshipers.

God: Good to know. Now, get.

LATER

Elijah: Hey, there's Elisha, son of Shaphat. Man, he's plowing with twelve yoke of oxen. That's a lot of oxen. Hey, Elisha!

Elisha: Yes?

Elijah: Have mantle.

Elisha: Awesome! Come back here, Elijah. Let me, I pray you, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you.

Elijah: Go back again? For what have I done to you?

Elisha: Also, I'm going to take a yoke of oxen and slay them and give them to the people. Then I'll come with you.

Elijah: Okay.

1 Kings 18: God Proves Himself By Sending a Fire

2011-04-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

God: Hey, Elijah!

Elijah: Oh, hey God, good to hear from you. It's been three years. What's going on? Any good news?

God: Yes, go to Ahab and tell him I'm going to send rain.

Elijah: He'll be glad to hear that. There's been a famine in Samaria.

God: Really? I had no idea.

Elijah: Sarcasm doesn't become you, Lord.

LATER, AT AHAB'S PLACE

Elijah: So, that's what God said.

Ahab: Really? I better consult with Obadiah, my house governor. Obadiah, come here!

Obadiah: Yes, Ahab?

Ahab: Obadiah, you fear the Lord greatly.

Obadiah: Yes, sir, just thinking about him makes me piss myself. Ooops. There it goes. In fact, I hid 100 prophets of the Lord in a cave and fed them bread and water when Jezebel cut them off.

Ahab: I pretend I didn't hear that. Go into the land, to all the fountains of water and to all that brooks and see if you can find grass to save the horses and mules. You go one way, I'll go the other.

Obadiah: Okay.

LATER

Obadiah: Grass, grass, I must find grass.

Elijah: Hey!

Obadiah: Aaah!

*thump*

Elijah: You fell down.

Obadiah: I meant to do that. I know you, you're Elijah, right?

Elijah: Yep, go tell Ahab I'm here.

Obadiah: What? You're trying to get me killed. We've looked for you everywhere. As soon as I tell him, "Hey, I've found Elijah," the Spirit of the Lord will take you somewhere else. Then Ahab will kill me for lying to him.

Elijah: Hmmm. Could be.

Obadiah: It's not fair! I've feared the Lord since I was a lad....

Elijah: You've seemed to have wet yourself.

Obadiah: See? Pure fear. I even rescued 100 of the Lord's prophets when Jezebel tried to kill them. And this is the thanks I get?

Elijah: Don't get your soaking panties in a bunch. I'll stay right here and show myself to him.

Obadiah: You'd better.

Elijah: I will.

Obadiah: Fine. I'll be right back.

Elijah: I'll be waiting.

LATER

Obadiah: And he was right here, Ahab.

Ahab: He's better be.

Elijah: I am.

Obadiah: Whew!

Ahab: So, you're the one who troubles Israel.

Elijah: No, I'm just his messenger. See, it's God who troubles Israel because you have forsaken Him and follow Baalim. If you don't want trouble, gather to me all Israel to mount Carmel, and 450 prophets of Baal, and 400 prophets of the groves, which eat at Jezebel's table.

Ahab: Negotiating with terrorist! What has the world come to! Fine, I'll do it.

Elijah: We thought you would.

LATER

Elijah: People, how long halt you between two opinions? If the Lord be God, follow him, but if Baal, then follow him.

People: ...

Elijah: I, even I only, remain a prophet of the Lord, but Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men. Let them therefore give us two bullocks, and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under, and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. And call your gods, and I will call on the Lord, and the God that answers by fire, let him be God.

People: Hmmm. Trial be fire, huh? Sounds good.

Person: How about this: instead of silly parlor tricks and weather phenomenon, God just come down and show himself. He's done it plenty of time before. Or, just talk to us all, individually, like he talks to you. Just once.

Another Person: I'd much rather have him grant me some sort of super-power for the day. Have God give me the power of flight, for one day, and I'll say he's God.

Another Person: Hell, just have him come down and cure all childhood cancer, forever. Then I'd believe.

Elijah: What!?! No, no showing himself or super-powers of cures for childhood cancer. My God will light bull on fire. That's all.

Baal Priests: Hey, we'll take your challenge. It's not like Baal can do any of those things either.

Another Person: So, no matter who is God, there is no cure for childhood cancer. Screw them both, I'm going home.

Elijah: Okay, Baalists. It's morning now, start your praying.

Ball priests: Oh God, you're so big. Just really, really hug. We're all totally impressed down here....

Elijah: This is going to take a while.

ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER

Elijah: Well, Baal priests, it's 12:00. Perhaps he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleeps, and must be awaked.

Baal Priests: Oh, this is terrible. Who'd have thought, the one time you really need your god to answer a pray in order to prove his actual existence, he doesn't answer!

Elijah: Yeah, us Hebrews have no idea how that is.

Baal Priests: We must cut ourselves, and let our blood flow.

Elijah: Would you like more time?

Baal Priests: Yes, please.

LATER

Elijah: Hey, guys, it's evening. You're bleeding everywhere. And Baal is still a no show. Give up?

Baal Priests: Yes.

Elijah: Okay. Hey, people, help me repair the altar of the Lord. He won't do any miracles unless this alter is fixed. I need twelves stones, one for each of the tribes. Now, dig a trench around it. And then, put the wood and bull on top, there. Now, fill four barrels with water and pour it on the bull and wood. More water, again. And, one more time. See, even the trench is full of water. There, that ought to do it.

Person: That's a soggy sacrifice.

Elijah: Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and of Israel, let it be known this day that you are God in Israel, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your word.

Another Person: God has to be told why we're doing all this? I thought he would already know?

Elijah: Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that you are the Lord God, and that you have turned their heart back again.

God: Here comes the FIRE! Blam!

People: Wow! Look at that! Fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt sacrifice, the wood, stones, dust, even the water in the trench. The Lord, he is the God; the Lord, he is the God.

Elijah: Yes, absolute proof. But whatever you do, don't expect him to ever, ever, ever do it again.

Baal priests: Well, you won, fair and square. We learned our lesson. Guess we'll be going home now....

Elijah: People, take the prophets of Baal, let not one of them escape.

Baal priests: Hey, that wasn't part of the deal!

Elijah: Bring them down to the brook Kishon, and kill them there.

People: If God wanted them dead, why didn't he just kill them himself?

Elijah: And let us miss out on all the fun? Ahab, get up, eat and drink, for there is a sound of abundance of rain.

Ahab: If you say so.

Elijah: I must go up to Mount Carmel. I'll be back, momentarily.

LATER

Elijah: So, see anything over the sea, servant?

Servant: Nope. No sign of rain.

Elijah: Okay, God's on the fritz again. Go up seven times, then tell me if you see anything.

Servant: Stupid God. Yeah, there is something, a cloud that looks like a hand. Giving me the finger.

Elijah: Good. Now, go tell Ahab to go back to Jezreel. I'll meet him there, after the Lord has girded my loins.

Servant: Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays.

1 Kings 17: Elijah Brings Back a Dead Kid, But No One Else

2011-04-17T04:52:00.000-07:00

Servant: Ahab, someone to see you. Calls himself the prophet Elijah.

Ahab: Send him in.

Elijah: Hi, God told me to tell you that there shall be no dew or rain, but according to my word.

Ahab: Interesting. You tell God, the next time he wants to talk to me, He should come himself, instead of sending one of his twerps. Got it?

Elijah: Interesting management style you got here.

Ahab: I call it pure evil.

God: Elijah, go east, and hide yourself by the brook Cherith, that is before Jordan. You can drink from the brook and I'll get the ravens to bring you food.

Elijah: That sounds complicated. And none too sanitary. How about just magic me up some steak everyday? And a nice hotel to stay at?

God: No, I'll let the ravens do the hard work.

SOON, BY THE BROOK

Elijah: Well, this is nice, actually. And the food, bread and flesh every morning isn't too bad, if you don't mind the occasional feather. Too bad the brook is drying up.

God: Elijah, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Zidon, and dwell there. I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain you.

Elijah: A widow, huh? Should have sent me there in the first place. Well, at least the food will be better.

LATER, IN ZAREPHATH

Elijah: Well, here's Zarephath. Now, let's find that widow. You there, gathering sticks, fetch me, I pray you, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.

Widow: Well, I don't usually just do the bidding of strangers, but just this once.

Elijah: Hey, also bring me a morsel of bread, I pray you.

Widow: As the Lord your God lives, I have no cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.

Elijah: So, you're not one of those merry widows, then. Gotcha. Fear not, go and do as you have said but make me a little cake first, and bring it to me, and then make some for you and your son. For the Lord God of Israel says, "The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sends rain upon the earth."

Widow: Well, okay, I'll try it your way.

MANY DAYS LATER

Widow: Well, I'll be, the meal lasted just like Elijah said. And it's starting to rain.

Son of Widow: I don't feel so good, mom. I can't breathe. Arrrrgggh.

Widow: Noooooooo! Elijah, what have I to do with you, O you man of God? Have you come to me to call my sin to remembrance, and to slay my son?

Elijah: Chill out, widow. Bring the boy here to the loft and put him on my bed.

Widow: You sick son of a bitch!

Elijah: It's not like that. O Lord my God, have you also brought evil upon the widow with whom I sojourn, by slaying her son?

God: Well, yes, actually, I did. But stretch over him three times, for effect, and I let him live again. It will blow everyone's mind.

Elijah: Okay.

Son: Where am I?

Elijah: You died, but God brought you back.

Son: I hope he doesn't expect gratitude. He could have avoided the whole thing if he hadn't made me get sick in the first place.

Elijah: Yeah, but then your mom wouldn't know have awesome he is. Come on, she's downstairs, waiting.

Widow: Look, my son has returned to life!

Son: Yeah.

Widow: Elijah, now by this I know that you are a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in your mouth is truth.

Elijah: See, told you.

Son: Yeah, how about the next time you leave me out of it, okay?

Widow: Glory be to the Lord, you can raise the dead! Please, let's go and raise my dead husband so we can be a family again!

Son: Yeah! Bring my dad back to life!

Elijah: Uh, Um, but he would be all rotten and gross.

Widow: Pish posh! If God can bring the dead back to life whenever he feels like it, he can certainly restore a rotten body to its previous condition. So, get to it.

Son: Yeah! Or isn't your God strong enough?

Elijah: Crap.

1 Kings 16: Drunks Rule the Hebrews

2011-04-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

God: Hey, Jehu, son of Hanani!

Jehu: Oh, God! Good to hear from you! Man, have I got some questions for you! Can you tell me how to cure the plague, child cancer and world hunger, while I got you here?

God: What? No! Of course not! Listen, tell Baasha he and his people are dog and buzzard meat, like Jeroboam. Because of his sinning.

Jehu: Okay. But I wish you'd just tell him your own damn self. Won't even tell me the cure for childhood cancer. Jerk.

LATER

Baasha: Arrrrrrggh!

Elah: Dad's dead. Now, I'm king, Yay!

SOON, IN THE HOUSE OF ARZA

Zimri, captain of half his chariots: I'm gonna kill tha' bashtad, Elahhhh. Jush you wait.

Bartender: That's enough for you, big guy.

Zimr: I will! You don' thing I will, bu' you jush wash me. Here I go....

Bartender: Mean drunks. Happens every time.

LATER

Elah: Oh, hey, Zimri.

Zimri: Hey, thish you, bashtard. Yer two year reign is ova'!

Elah: Arrrrgh.

Zimri: Wohoo! Now, I'm th' king! Let me shit down on thish comfy throne. And, for my firsht act, slay the house of Baasha!

Servant: Uh, shouldn't we do something? He just killed the king. And we're just going to let him take the throne? Drunk?

Scribe: Just go with it.

Army Guy: Well, I'm off to kill all the people the drunk guy told me to kill. I'll be back later.

MEANWHILE

Messenger: So, seven days ago this drunk guy, Zimri, killed Baasha and took over. then he started ordering a bunch of people killed.

Omri: And everyone just let it happen? What a bunch of morons.

People of Israel: Yes, let's make you king over all Israel, instead.

Omri: Good plan. Let's go to Tirzah and get that drunk idiot.

LATER

Omri: Wow. This was easier than I thought.

Servant: Sir, we've trapped Zimri in his house.

Omri: Burn it down. Burn it all down.

People of Israel: Well, that was fun. Now, let's divide into two parts. Everyone who wants to follow Omri to the left. Everyone who wants to follow Tibni, the son of Ginath, to the right.

Tibni: Yay! I'm king!

Omri: Now, everyone on the left, take out your swords and kill everyone on the right.

Tibni: Uh, pu pu, pu, people on the, uh, right....

Omri: Have at you!

Tibni: Wow, that sucked.

Omri: Now, I'm the king again!

Messenger: And of a more manageable population size, too.

Omri: It's a win/win! I think I'll buy the hill Samaria of Shemer for two talents of silver, and build a city on it. I'll call it Shemer, after the owner of the hill, Samaria.

Messenger: So, have you decided you're management style?

Omri: Yes, pure evil, I think.

Messenger: Won't that provoke the Lord to anger?

Omri: You think?

Scribe: I'll be sure to write that down in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Israel. Should make for interesting reading.

MANY YEARS LATER

Messenger: Well, Omri's dead and buried in Samaria. Who's next?

Ahab: Me! I'm his son, I get to be king now!

Scribe: And what will be your management style?

Ahab: Evil! Just like dad!

Scribe: I'm sure he'll be pleased.

Ahab: First thing I want to do is marry Jezebel, the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Zidonians, and serve Baal. Make an alter, build a grove for him. You know, just do things that generally piss off the Lord.

Messenger: Ahab, Hiel the Bethelite is building Jericho. He's laid the foundation in Abiram his firstborn, and set up the gates thereof in his youngest son Segub, according to the word of the Lord, which he spake by Joshua the son of Nun.

Ahab: Uh, okay.

TWENTY-TWO YEARS LATER

Messenger: Ahab's dead.

1 Kings 15: Previews of Coming Attractions

2011-04-03T06:21:00.001-07:00

Main Scribe: Okay, gentlemen, who has Abijam?

Scribe: I do. he became king after Jeroboam. Walked in sin, like his father, but God seems to have not held it against him. Current theory is it's because of David being so good. God give him a lamp in Jerusalem, to set up his son after him, and to establish Jerusalem. there was war between him and Jeroboam. Then he died. The rest of the acts of Abijam, and all that he did, Iwill be written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Judah.

Main Scribe: Thank you. Who has Asa?

Another Scribe: That's me. Became king of Judah in the twentieth year of Jeroboam king of Israel. Reigned forty-one years. Good king, much like David. Got rid of the sodomites, removed all the idols that his fathers had made, even removed his mother Maachah from being queen, because she had made an idol in a grove. Asa destroyed her idol, and burnt it by the brook Kidron. So, we think his heart was perfect with the Lord. There was war between Asa and Baasha king of Israel all their days.

Scribe: How'd that go?

Another Scribe: Pretty good. Asa made a deal with Benhadad, king of Syria, who helped by smiting Ijon, Dan, Abelbethmaachah, all Cinneroth, and all the land of Naphtali. That made Baasha leave off building of Ramah, and dwell in Tirzah. Then Asa built Geba and Mizpah out of the timbers and stone of Ramah. The rest of his story will appear in the book of Chronicles.

Scribe: Good. LEt's see, after Asa came Jehoshaphat.

Third Scribe: Gesundheit!

Scribe: Heh. Your guy, I presume.

Third Scribe: Yep. Jehoshaphat. The Big J.

Scribe: Well?

Third Scribe: I'm still working on it.

Scribe: Fine. how about Nadab, the son of Jeroboam? He began to reign over Israel in the second year of Asa king of Judah, and reigned over Israel two years. What's his story?

Fourth Scribe: Bad dude. Just like his pop, liked to sin. Got in a war with Baasha the son of Ahijah, of the house of Issachar. Baasha smote him at Gibbethon, which belonged to the Philistines. Then Baasha reined in his stead.

Main Scribe: Interesting.

Fourth Scribe: I cover him, too. He smote all the house of Jeroboam, according to the saying of the Lord, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite. Still, he did evil in the sight of the Lord and made Israel to sin. Anyway, I cover Nadab more in the book of Chronicles.

Main Scribe: Thank you, gentlemen. I look forward to reading the Chronicles.

1 Kings 14: Jeroboam's Son Killed By God

2011-04-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

Wife of Jeroboam: Jeroboam, Abijah is ill! What can we do?

Jeroboam: Go to Shiloh and find the prophet Ahijah. He's the one who said I would be king. He'll know what's gong to happen to Abijah. But disguise yourself so know one knows you are my wife. And take some food with you.

Jeroboam's wife: Okay.

LATER, IN SHILOH

Jeroboam's wife: Well, here's the house. I'll see if he's in.

Ahijah: Hello, who's here?

God: Ahijah, that's Jeroboam's wife, pretending to be someone else. She wants to know about her sick kid. Tell her he's going to die because Jeroboam is a bum. But pretty it up for me.

Ahijah: While I have you here, God, could you fix my eyes for me?

God: No.

Jeroboam's wife: Someone who's not Jeroboam's wife, that's for sure.

Ahijah: I see. Actually, I'm old and blind, so I don't see. But, come in. I know who you are and what you want. God told me.

Jeroboam's wife: Was it the disguise? Did it give me away?

Ahijah: Well, we don't have too many naughty nurses in Shiloh, true enough. But no. Anyway, God said to tell you to tell Jeroboam that your kid is going to die, because Jeroboam is not following God's rules, like David did, by building idols and such. God made him king over Israel, so now God is going to cut off all of his heirs, including you boy.

Jeroboam's wife: I see, so God is going to punish an innocent child for his father's sins. That's not just.

Ahijah: Yeah, and he's also going to bring evil upon anyone in the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam anyone that pisses against the wall, and anyone that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man takes away dung, till it be all gone. Anyone of Jeroboam that dies in the city shall be eaten by dogs, and anyone that dies in the field shall be eaten by vultures. So they got that going for them.

Jeroboam's wife: So, God is going to punish anyone who even is remotely related to Jeroboam? Wow. What a prick.

Shijah: So, go home, and when you get there, your child will be dead. And all Israel will mourn for him and bury him.

Jeroboam's wife: Great, so at least he's not eaten by animals. Big comfort.

Shijah: Also, God is going to appoint a new king over Israel. And then he's going to smite them and scatter them across the river.

Jeroboam's wife: Don't care. I can't believe I wasted this trip. Tell God the next time he wants to deliver bad news, he can just talk to my husband directly. Asshole.

LATER, IN TIRZAH

Jeroboam's wife: I'm home.

Jeroboam: Abijah's dead.

Jeroboam's wife: Shit.

LATER

Scribe: So, Jeroboam, the rest of your story will be told in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Israel.

Jeroboam: Well, I had a good run. Twenty-two years as king. Not too shabby. Beat that prick Rehoboam by five years. I think I'm going to die now. Let my son Nadab be king.

Scribe: Okay. Hey, remember when in the fifth year of king Rehoboam, Shishak king of Egypt came up against Jerusalem, and he took away the treasures of the house of the Lord, and the treasures of the king's house, and he took away all the shields of gold which Solomon had made?

Jeroboam: I remember that.

Scribe: Now the rest of the acts of Rehoboam, and all that he did, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Judah?

Jeroboam: you asking me? I just know that was war between us all our days. But, he's dead now, was buried with his fathers in the city of David.

Scribe: And his mother's name is Naamah an Ammonitess. And Abijam his son reigns in his stead.

Jeroboam: Good.

1 Kings 13: King Jeroboam Loses and Regains His Hand, Then a Man of God is Eaten By Lions

2011-03-20T06:33:00.001-07:00

A Man of God out of Judah by the word of the Lord unto Bethel: Hey, Jeroboam is standing before the altar to burn incense. That's not right! O altar, altar, thus says the Lord, "Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name, and upon you shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon you, and men's bones shall be burnt upon you." This is the sign which the Lord has spoken. Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out.

Servant: I don't know what he has against hte alter. It's a very nice alter. Well built.

King Jeroboam: Yeah, I'm not going to hear anyone bad mouth this alter here. Grab him!

Servant: Get him, men!

King Jeroboam: Why just feel this fine workmanship. Arrrrgggh! My hand! It dried up when I touched the alter!

Servant: Ooops, it looks like the alter is rent, and ashes are pouring out, just like the guy said it would as a sign from God.

Man of God: Yep. Pretty cool, huh?

Jeroboam: Yes, very good. Good job. Now, please ask God to restore my hand.

Man of God: Well, okay. Please, God restore the hand of this butt-head.

Jeroboam: Hey, it worked! My hand's fine now. Come home with me, and refresh yourself, and I will give you a reward.

Man of God: Even if you give me half your house, I will not go in with you, neither will I eat bread nor drink water in this place. God said to me, "Eat no bread, nor drink water, nor turn again by the same way that you came." Goodbye, I'm going back to Bethal.

Jeroboam: Fine. Don't eat with me, see if I care.

LATER, IN BETHAL

Old Prophet in Bethel: Man, what a day. My back is aching, my feet are sore. It sucks being old.

Sons of the Old Prophet: Father, some Man of God totally owed Jeroboam and his alter. To his face. It was epic! Rad.

Old Prophet: Auggh, kids. Which way did this Man of God go?

Sons of Old Prophet: Like, he totally went that way, you know? Like a boss. Tubular.

Old Prophet: Saddle me the ass, I'm going after him. Then, cut your hair and find a job. And speak Hebrew, for God's sake. Damned kids.

Son of Prophet: Don't have a cow, man. Cowabunga.

LATER

Old Prophet: There he is, sitting under that oak. Hey, you, are you the man of God that came from Judah?

Man of God: I am.

Old Prophet: Come home with me, and eat bread.

Man of God: I may not return with you, nor go in with you, neither will I eat bread nor drink water with you in this place, for it was said to me by the word of the Lord, "You shall eat no bread nor drink water there, nor turn again to go by the way that you came."

Old Prophet: Oh, that's how it is, is it? Well, two can play at that game. See, I'm a prophet, also, and an angel told me, by the word of the Lord, "Bring him back with you into your house, that he may eat bread and drink water."

Man of God: Really?

Old Prophet: Well, as far as you know, it may be true.

Man of God: Okay, I'll go with you.

Old Prophet: Heh, I lied. Moron.

LATER

Old Prophet: So, how was everything?

Man of God: Very nice, thanks. Good bread, clean water. But I'm afraid your kids seem quite retarded.

Old Prophet: Don't I know it. Oh, wait, I think God is trying to tell me something. Yes, yes, most definitely, he says, "Thus says the Lord, because you have disobeyed the mouth of the Lord, and have not kept the commandment which the Lord your God commanded you, but came back, and have eaten bread and drunk water in the place, of the which the Lord did say to you, 'Eat no bread, and drink no water,' your carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of your fathers."

Man of God: What the hell! You said an angel told you to take me here! I believed that you actually talked to angels and only listened to you because you are an Old Prophet, and I thought you were doing what God told you to do!

Old Prophet: Yeah, I was lying about the angel thing. Sucks how that works, huh? Any idiot can claim to have heard God tell him to do something, and people will believe it instead of asking God directly. Just like you and Jeroboam. How'd he know you weren't lying about the alter until after his hand shriveled? Oh, well, tough break, kid.

Man of God: Well, I'm leaving. Good day, sir.

LATER

Man of God: Stupid God. He could have told me the Old Prophet was lying. How could I know? Ahhh! A Lion!

Lion: Roooowr!

Man of God: Ahhh! My neck! Stupid god! Trust a guy when he says God told him something and this is the reward you get! Eaten by Lions! Arrrggggh.

LATER

Man: I say, look there, some poor sod has gotten himself eaten by a lion.

Man 2: Gross. I can't wait to tell everyone!

LATER, IN THE CITY OF THE OLD PROPHET

Man: So, he got eaten.

Old Prophet: Well, that's what happens when you disobey the word of the Lord. Sons, Saddle me my ass And he spake to his sons, saying, Saddle me my ass!

Sons: Word.

LATER

Old Prophet: There he is.

Lion: Rooowr!

Old Prophet: Huh, must not be hungry. Well, I better bring the body back with me to bury.

LATER

Sons of Prophet: Where you going to plant him, pop?

Old Prophet: Put him in my grave. When I am dead, then bury me in the sepulchre wherein the man of God is buried, lay my bones beside his bones, for the saying which he cried by the word of the Lord against the altar in Bethel, and against all the houses of the high places which are in the cities of Samaria, shall surely come to pass.

LATER

Jeroboam: I don't think I'll return from my evil ways, but make of the lowest of the people priests of the high places. hope my it won't destroy my family from from off the face of the earth.

God: Oh, it will.

1 Kings 12: Jeroboam and Rehoboam Fight it Out

2011-03-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

Rehoboam: Man, it's nice to be back in Shechem. Calm, relaxing, Shechem....

All Israel: Surprise!

Rehoboam: Uh, why are you here?

All Israel: To make you king.

Rehoboam: So much for relaxing.

LATER, IN EGYPT

Messenger: Then they made him king.

Jeroboam the son of Nebat: Well, we need to have a little chat, Rehoboam and me. Let's go.

LATER

Jeroboam: Hello, Rehoboam.

Rehoboam: Oh, hey, what's going on with you?

Jeroboam: Your father made our yoke grievous, now, therefore, make you the grievous service of your father, and his heavy yoke which he put upon us, lighter, and we will serve you.

Rehoboam: Depart for three days, then come again to me.

Jeroboam: Okay. But we'll be back. Bye.

Rehoboam: Well, I need some advice. Hey, old men, you stood before my father Solomon. What do you think I should say?

Old Men: If you will be a servant to this people this day, and will serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be your servants forever.

Rehoboam: Right, so give them what they want, and they'll do what I say? I want to be king, not a servant. Young men, what do you say?

Young Men: You should say, "My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins. And where my father did lay you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke. My father has chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions.'

Jeroboam: I like the cut of your jib! I'll do it. Wow, that took all of five minutes. We still have three days to waste. Let's party!

THREE DAYS LATEr

Jeroboam: I'm back. With my people. So, what's the word?

Rehoboam: My father made your yoke heavy, and I will add to your yoke, my father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. For the cause is from the Lord, that I might perform my saying, which the Lord spake by Ahijah the Shilonite to me, Jeroboam the son of Nebat.

The people: What portion have we in David? Neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse. To your tents, O Israel, now see to your own house, David.

Rehoboam: So, I get the cities of Judah, I guess. Better than nothing. Adoram, go collect my tribute.

Adoram: Will do, King.

LATER

Adoram: Hey, people, tribute time! Pay up.

All Israel: Do you take payment in rock?

Adoram: Hey, ouch, no! We don't!

All Israel: Too bad.

LATER

Messenger: Then he got stoned. And not the fun kind of stoned.

Rehoboam: Shit! I better run to Jerusalem before they stone me next.

Messenger: won't that make Jeroboam king?

Rehoboam: Politics is so complicated.

LATER

All Israel: So, Jeroboam is king, now, right?

Jeroboam: You called?

All Israel: So, want to be king over all of Israel except Judah?

Jeroboam: Sure.

MEANWHILE, IN JERUSALEM

Rehoboam: Houses of Judah, and tribe of Benjamin. There are a hundred and fourscore thousand of you, men, who are warriors. Fight with me against the house of Israel, to bring the kingdom back to me, Rehoboam the son of Solomon.

God: Oh, no you won't! Shemaiah the man of God, speak to Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, king of Judah, and to all the house of Judah and Benjamin, and to the remnant of the people, saying, "Thus says the Lord, 'You shall not go up, nor fight against your brethren the children of Israel. Return every man to his house, for this thing is from me."

Shemaiah: Can't you do it yourself, Lord? I'm kind of busy.

God: Yeah, so am I.

Shemaiah: Really?

God: Just kidding! I'm never too busy. Just incredibly lazy.

LATER

Shemaiah: So, that's what God said.

House of Judah and Benjamin: Well, if that's what God said, we better go home.

Jeroboam: Fine, go home then. I'll just build Shechem in mount Ephraim, and dwell there. Then I go and build a temple in Penuel. And I'll make two calves of gold, because it turned out so well last time. And I'll put one in Bethal and one in Dan. And I'll make a house of high places, and priests of the lowest of the people, which were not of the sons of Levi. And in the eighth month, on the fifteenth day of the month, we'll feast and offer upon the altar.

1 Kings 11: Solomon Dies

2011-03-06T06:05:00.000-08:00

1 But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, [and] Hittites;

Solomon: Man, I am tired.

Servant: Problem, Solomon?

Solomon: Problem? No. Problems? Yes! I've got 700 wives, and 300 concubines. Can you imagine trying to satisfy all those women? Morning, noon and night! Over and over and over again.

Servant: Yes, I can see how that would be taxing.

Solomon: And they come from all over the world, so you know the culture clash is huge.

Servant: So, are these the same nations God told you not to take women from, because they'd turn your heart after their gods?

Solomon: Of course! Why do you ask?

Servant: No reason. Well, I feel bad for you, Solomon, I've got 99 problems but a 1000 bitches ain't one. So, Mr. Smartest man in the World, now that you are old, how does your heart feel?

Solomon: Well, I guess I'd have to say that my heart is not perfect with the Lord, anymore, I'm more inclined to Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites.

Servant: Really? Even though you have personally met your God, face to face, twice, and he's given you great wisdom, and, you've managed to pick out only two gods to follow after the, what, 1000 choices of gods from all your wives you could choose from? You're still going to not follow God?

Solomon: Yep.

Servant: So, basically, God did not make you wise enough.

Solomon: See? How can I stay faithful to a God who did not give me wisdom enough to see that not following him is the right thing to do?

Servant: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. So, what are you going to do about your new religious awakening?

Solomon: Well, first, I'm going to build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon.

Servant: Wait. You just said you heart was inclined to Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. Why would you build high places for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, and Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon?

Solomon: Well, with so many choices of gods, one is wise to hedge your bets and worship as many different gods as possible, so you increase the chances that you will worship the one true god.

Servant: But what if the one true god doesn't want you to worship all the other false gods?

Solomon: It's still better to go with the averages. Anyway, I'll do the same for all my strange wives, which burnt incense and sacrifice to their gods.

Servant: I don't think God is going to like this.

God: Man, am I sooooo angry with Solomon. I appear to him twice and still his heart is turned against me!

Tom Crow: Maybe if you appear to him three times?

God: Oh, I'll appear, but I already gave him his chance, he's going down! Solomon!

Solomon: Oh, shit.

God: Solomon! Forasmuch as this is done of you, and you have not kept my covenant and my statutes, which I have commanded you, I will surely rend the kingdom from you, and will give it to your servant.

Servant: Woo Hoo!

Solomon: Quiet you.

God: Notwithstanding in your days I will not do it for David your father's sake, but I will rend it out of the hand of your son.

Solomon: Well, that's a relief, I really don't care what happens after I'm dead.

God: Also, I will not rend away all the kingdom, but will give one tribe to your son for David my servant's sake, and for Jerusalem's sake which I have chosen.

Solomon: Okay. See you, later, God.

God: Goodbye, I go to stir up a a adversary against you, Hadad the Edomite, he is of the king's seed in Edom.

Solomon: Oh, really, how interesting.

God: Yes, for it came to pass, when David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom, (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom), that Hadad fled, he and certain Edomites of his father's servants with him, to go into Egypt, Hadad being yet a little child.

Solomon: Well, that will teach us to leave any males alive when we go to conquer someone.

God: Yes, exactly. Anyway, they arose out of Midian, and came to Paran, and they took men with them out of Paran, and they came to Egypt, to Pharaoh king of Egypt, which gave him an house, and appointed him victuals, and gave him land. And Hadad found great favour in the sight of Pharaoh, so that he gave him to wife the sister of his own wife, the sister of Tahpenes the queen. And the sister of Tahpenes bare him Genubath his son, whom Tahpenes weaned in Pharaoh's house and Genubath was in Pharaoh's household among the sons of Pharaoh. And when Hadad heard in Egypt that David died, and that Joab the captain of the host was dead, Hadad said to Pharaoh, "Let me depart, that I may go to mine own country." Then Pharaoh said to him, "But what have you lacked with me, that, behold, you seek to go to your own country?" And he answered, "Nothing, still let me go in any way."

Solomon: This is all very fascinating.

God: Oh, but it gets better! For I also stir up Rezon the son of Eliadah, which fled from his lord Hadadezer king of Zobah, and he gathered men unto him, and became captain over a band, when David slew of Zobah, and they went to Damascus, and dwell there in, and reigned in Damascus. He will be an adversary7 to you for all the rest of your days! Hah hah hah hah! Take that! You've been smited! See you, bitch!

Solomon: Well, glad that's been taken care of.

Jeroboam the son of Nebat, an Ephrathite of Zereda, whose mother's name is Zeruah, a widow woman: Have at you, Solomon!

Servant: What the hell? You're revolting against Solomon?

Solomon's: Oy vey.

Jeroboam: Yes, I am. Because, you see, Solomon has built Millo, and repaired the breaches of the city of David his father. It's actually an interesting story.

Solomon: I'll bet.

Jeroboam: See, you made me ruler over all the charge of the house of Joseph. And, one day, I went out of Jerusalem and met the prophet Ahijah the Shilonite. I was wearing new clothes and Ahijah grabbed my new clothes tore it into twelve pieces. Then he said, "Take ten pieces, for thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'Behold, I will rend the kingdom out of the hand of Solomon, and will give ten tribes to you, but he shall have one tribe for my servant David's sake, and for Jerusalem's sake, the city which I have chosen out of all the tribes of Israel, because that they have forsaken me, and have worshipped Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, Chemosh the god of the Moabites, and Milcom the god of the children of Ammon, and have not walked in my ways, to do that which is right in mine eyes, and to keep my statutes and my judgments, as did David his father. But not until Solomon dies.'"

Solomon: Yes, I'm sure he did.

Jeroboam: Well, shhot, once he told me that, I had to revolt, right?

Solomon: Sure, of course, now, though, I've got to kill you.

Jeroboam: Good luck with that. I'm going to Egypt to wait for you to die, then, it's all my baby! Hah Hah Hah Hah! Except for the parts that aren't. See ya!

Solomon: Damn. Well, what about the rest of my acts and wisdom?

Servant: Aren't they written in the book of Solomon?

Solomon: Uh, you tell me. If it is, where is it?

Scribe: Um, we lost it, Solomon. It just plum disappeared. Poof. Gone. Sorry.

Solomon: Well, hell, I've reigned over Jerusalem for forty years, and that's who I get treated. That's just AAAARRRRRRRRGH!

Servant: Well, he's dead. Better tell Rehoboam that he's the new King.

Scribe: Just a minute, I'm still writing down "AAAARRRRRRRRRGH."

1 Kings 10: Queen of Sheba Meets Solomon

2011-03-06T06:02:00.000-08:00

Servant: Solomon, some women is out here, says she wants to speak to you.

Solomon: What she look like?

Servant: Not bad. She appears to be quite rich, she's brought a whole train with her of camels with spices, gold, precious stones...

Solomon: Don't just stand there, you dolt! Send her right in!

Servant: Will do.

Queen of Sheba: Hello, Solomon, I've heard of your great wisdom, and I've come see if they are true by asking you hard questions.

Solomon: Well, I hope questions are not the only things you can think of to make...hard.

Queen of Sheba: Oh, you!

Solomon: So, shoot, ask your questions, I'm ready.

Queen of Sheba: What has four legs in...

Solomon: Man.

Queen of Sheba: Wow. You're good. Try this, a man goes to town on Friday...

Solomon: His horse is named Friday.

Queen of Sheba: Damn. Okay, Soylent Green...

Solomon: Is people.

Queen of Sheba: Wow, you really are the smartest person in the world. And your house is wonderful, with such nice looking ministers and servants. The spirit is gone out of me. When I heard of your fame, I didn't believe it, but here you are, with such happy people. Why, it's even better than I heard. Blessed be the Lord your God, which delighted in you, to set you on the throne of Israel, because the Lord loved Israel forever, therefore made you king, to do judgment and justice.

Solomon: Yeah, I am kind awesome.

Queen of Sheba: Please, let me give you a hundred and twenty talents of gold, and many store of spices, and precious stones.

Solomon: Well, if it would make you fell better.

Servant: Solomon, the navy of Hiram, has just brought gold from Ophir, and great plenty of almug trees, and precious stones.

Solomon: Use the trees to make pillars of for the house of the Lord, and for my house, harps also and psalteries for singers.

Servant: Are you sure? I hear the almug trees are endangered, these might be the last of their kind.

Solomon: Even better. Now, Queen of Sheba, thanks very much, now, please, ask for anything, it's yours. Anything. At all.

Queen of Sheba: Oh, Solomon, I will.

LATER

Queen of Sheba: Good-bye, Solomon! Good-bye!

Servant: She's leaving already?

Solomon: Yep.

Servant: What did she ask for?

Solomon: Oh, gold, precious stones, spices. You know, the usual things.

Servant: No hanky-panky?

Solomon: Nope. Not even a little.

Servant: Um, does her train look bigger now than when she arrived?

Solomon: Well, it should be, she had to carry all the stuff she asked for back with her.

Servant: Don't tell me, she asked for all the stuff she gave you back?

Solomon: And then some.

Servant: Hmmm. She may be even smarter than you.

Solomon: I'm beginning to suspect.

Servant: Well, no worries, Solomon. We've still collected six hundred threescore and six talents of gold this year. Beside that we have of the merchantmen, and the traffic of the spice merchants, and of all the kings of Arabia, and of the governors of the country.

Solomon: Good. Servant, make two hundred targets of beaten gold. Six hundred shekels of gold into each target. Make three hundred shields of beaten gold with three pounds of gold in each one and put them in the house of the forest of Lebanon.

Servant: You do realize that gold makes lousy shields, right? It's a very soft metal.

Solomon: But it looks cool. And rich. Also, have made a great throne of ivory, also overlaid with the best gold. The throne shall have six steps, and the top of the throne should be round behind. Have the makers put stays on either side on the place of the seat, and two lions stood beside the stays. And have him put twelve lions stood on both sides of the six steps.

Servant: Wow, that is manly!

Solomon: I know!

Servant: Truly, Solomon, what with all your eating utensils being gold, the navy of Tharshish with the navy of Hiram bringing in gold, and silver, ivory, and apes, and peacocks, your wealth exceeds all the kings of the earth for riches.

Solomon: And for wisdom. Don't forget, all the earth seeks to hear my wisdom, which God had put in my heart.

Servant; And your modesty.

Solomon: And don't forget my chariots and horsemen. I've gathered together a thousand and four hundred chariots, and twelve thousand horsemen. I've made silver to be in Jerusalem as stones, and cedars made he to be as the sycomore trees that are in the vale, for abundance. I've had horses brought out of Egypt, and linen yarn. Why, just the other day, a chariot came up and went out of Egypt for six hundred shekels of silver, and a horse for an hundred and fifty and so for all the kings of the Hittites, and for the kings of Syria, did they bring them out by their means.

Servant: You're still a little sore about the Queen of Sheba, aren't you?

Solomon: Little bit.

1 Kings 9: Solomon Makes Himself Some Slaves and a Pirate Navy

2011-02-27T06:33:00.000-08:00

God: Solomon! Hey, Solomon!

Solomon: Hey, God! This is the second time you've appeared to me. Just like you appeared to me in Gibeon.

God: Right.

Solomon: You should appear more often, you know? Don't be a stranger.

God: I'm busy, you know. Anyway, I have heard your prayer and supplication, that you have made before me, I have hallowed this house, which you have built, to put my name there forever, and mine eyes and mine heart shall be there perpetually.

Solomon: Just like I wanted you to!

God: Right. And if you will walk before me, as David you father walked, in integrity of heart, and in uprightness, to do according to all that I have commanded you, and will keep my statutes and my judgments, then I will establish the throne of your kingdom upon Israel forever, as I promised to David you father, saying, "There shall not fail you a man upon the throne of Israel." But if you shall at all turn from following me, you or your children, and will not keep my commandments and my statutes which I have set before you, but go and serve other gods, and worship them, then I will cut off Israel out of the land which I have given them, and this house, which I have hallowed for my name, will I cast out of my sight, and Israel shall be a proverb and a byword among all people, and at this house, which is high, everyone that passes by it shall be astonished, and shall hiss, and they shall say, "Why has the Lord done thus unto this land, and to this house?" And they shall answer, "Because they forsook the Lord their God, who brought forth their fathers out of the land of Egypt, and have taken hold upon other gods, and have worshipped them, and served them, therefore has the Lord brought upon them all this evil."

Solomon: There's always a "but." Hey, Hiram, come here, you.

Hiram, King of Type: Hey, Solomon.

Solomon: Because of all those cedar and fir trees you gave us, I'm giving you 20 cities in the land of Galilee.

Hiram: Sweet! I hope the people living their don't mind.

Solomon: What, you think this is some sort of Athenian democracy? Screw them! They get the leaders I pick for them and like it. Go take a look and see how you like them.

LATER

Hiram: Solomon: I've taken a look at the cities you gave me, Solomon, and I got to say, they're dumps. They're Cabul.

Solomon: You don't like them?

Hiram: No. But, hey, here's 120 talents of god.

Solomon: Great! I'll put this toward the levy for building the the house of the Lord, and his own house, and Millo, and the wall of Jerusalem, and Hazor, and Megiddo, and Gezer.

Hiram: Why? What's wrong with their walls?

Solomon: Well, Pharaoh, king of Egypt, went up, and took Gezer, and burned it, and slew the Canaanites that dwelled in the city. Then he gave it for a present to his daughter, my wife.

Hiram: So, kind of a mixed blessing.

Solomon: What can you do. Then I'm going to build Gezer, and Bethhoron the nether, and Baalath, and Tadmor in the wilderness, in the land, and all the cities of store that I have, and cities for my chariots, and cities for my horsemen, and that which I desire to build in Jerusalem, and in Lebanon, and in all the land of my dominion.

Hiram: Good idea.

Solomon: You thinks that's good. I'm also going to levy a tribute of bondservice on all the people that are left of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, which are not of the children of Israel, their children that are left, whom the children of Israel were not able utterly to destroy.

Hiram: That is awesome.

Solomon: Of course, I'll never do that to the children of Israel.

Hiram: Of course not.

Solomon: Also, I'm going to build a navy in Eziongeber, which is beside Eloth, on the shore of the Red sea, in the land of Edom.

Hiram: I'll send you some of my servants, shipmen that have knowledge of the sea.

Solomon: First thing I want them to do is go to Ophir, and fetch some gold, four hundred and twenty talents, and bring it to me.

Hiram: They will. First thing. They be just like pirates. Arrrrr!

Solomon: Arrrr, indeed.

1 Kings 8: Lots More Animals Killed as Temple Dedicated

2011-02-27T06:02:00.000-08:00

Solomon: Elders, heads of the tribes, chiefs of the fathers of the children of Israel, come to me. And bring the Ark with you.

Men of Israel: Sweet, we can have a party, after all, it is the month of Ethanim, which is the seventh month.

All the elders of Israel and the priests: We're here. We brought the the ark. Along with the tabernacle and holy vessels.

Solomon: Excellent! Now, time to kill some animals. Sheep and oxen, I think.

Priests: How many?

Solomon: So many we lose count.

Priests: Look a cloud has filled the house of the Lord. We can't stand to minister, for the glory of the Lord has filled the house.

Solomon: You sure it just not too much smoke from all the animals we've killed? Maybe you should open the door.

Priests: Nope. That's the glory of God.

Solomon: Well, the Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness. I have surely built you a house to dwell in, a settled place for you to abide in forever. Because everyone knows that God needs a settled place to live in, forever. Bless you, congregation of Israel. I built a house for God, just like he said the son of David would. And so forth and so on. Yadda yadda yadda. Oh, Lord God of Israel, there is no God like you, in heaven above, or on earth beneath, who keeps covenant and mercy with your servants that walk before you with all their heart, you are truly great, and very big, and gave David the stuff you said you would, like that there shall not fail you a man in your sight to sit on the throne of Israel, so that his children take heed to their way, that they walk before you as he walked before you. And now, O God of Israel, let you word, I pray you, be verified, which you spoke to your servant David my father.

Priest: Little long-winded, isn't he?

Solomon: But will God indeed dwell on the earth? Behold, the heaven and heaven of heavens cannot contain you, how much less this house that I have built? Yet have you respect to the prayer of your servant, and to his supplication, O Lord my God, to hearken to the cry and to the prayer, which your servant prays before you today. That your eyes may be open toward this house night and day, even toward the place of which you have said, "My name shall be there that you may hearken to the prayer which your servant shall make toward this place."

Servant 1: It's a really nice house and all, but, really, can't God create for himself the best house in the universe? Why'd he want to live in this one?

Servant 2: Why'd God need a house at all? It's not like he has to worry about rain or cold or a place to sleep. The whole thing is odd.

Solomon: If any man trespass against his neighbour, and an oath be laid upon him to cause him to swear, and the oath come before your altar in this house, then hear you in heaven, and do, and judge your servants, condemning the wicked, to bring his way upon his head and justifying the righteous, to give him according to his righteousness. When your people Israel be smitten down before the enemy, because they have sinned against you, and shall turn again to you, and confess your name, and pray, and make supplication unto you in this house, then hear you in heaven, and forgive the sin of your people Israel, and bring them again to the land which you gave to their fathers.

Servant 1: I don't get it. So, basically, anytime something bad happens to us, we just blame ourselves? It can't be because God is just a prick? Maybe we picked an ineffective god.

Servant 2: Or he doesn't exist.

Solomon: When heaven is shut up, and there is no rain, because they have sinned against you, if they pray toward this place, and confess your name, and turn from their sin, when you afflict them, then hear you in heaven, and forgive the sin of your servants, and of your people Israel, that you teach them the good way wherein they should walk, and give rain upon your land, which you have given to your people for an inheritance. If there be in the land famine, if there be pestilence, blasting, mildew, locust, or if there be caterpillers, if their enemy besiege them in the land of their cities, whatsoever plague....

Servant 1: Geeze. God really did go all out in creating things to afflict people with when they disobey them, huh?

Servant 2: It's amazing to me, that if someone I don't know doesn't listen to God, he might afflict everyone in the region with famine, even those who obey him. that doesn't seem just.

Solomon: Moreover concerning a stranger, that is not of your people Israel, but comes out of a far country for your name's sake, For they shall hear of your great name, and of your strong hand, and of your stretched out arm; when he shall come and pray toward this house, hear you in heaven your dwelling place, and do according to all that the stranger calls to you for, that all people of the earth may know your name, to fear you, as do your people Israel, and that they may know that this house, which I have built, is called by you name.

Servant 1: God would be better off answering prayers directed to him, in his name, than just to prayers directed at a building.

Servant 2: But, then why not appear to all people on Earth, if that was important to him, rather than just us?

Solomon: Also, if you let your people be captured to a foreign land, let them come back, after they ask for your forgiveness. Blessed be the Lord, that has given rest to his people Israel, according to all that he promised. There has not failed one word of all his good promise, which he promised by the hand of Moses his servant.

Servant 1: Touch! That's a scary thought.

Servant 2: What's not to like about, "Do what I say, and I won't hurt you?" God puts the God in Godfather.

Oxen Owner: Man! What a day! Solomon's killed 22,000 oxen! I'm making out like a bandit!

Sheep Owner: That's nothing, He's killed 120,000 sheep!

God: What can I say? I love a good bar-b-que.

1 Kings 7: It's About All The Furniture in the Temple. That's It.

2011-02-20T06:08:00.000-08:00

Solomon: Now, historian, we're going to talk about the house and furniture.

Historian: Really? Wouldn't you rather speak about some miracle God performed recently?

Solomon: Well, I would, but he's been keeping it quiet recently. No miracles to talk about, really.

Historian: Fine.

Solomon: Listen, I'll just make a list, and if anyone cares, they can read the chapter themselves, okay?

historian: Oh, thank you, Solomon. Truly, you are wise beyond all mortal men.

1 Kings 6: A Long, Boring, Detailed Description of the Temple

2011-02-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

Solomon: Historian! Come to me, I wish to dictate!

Historian: Yes, Solomon?

Solomon: Take this down: It's been 418 years since we came from Egypt...

Historian: Has it really been that long? Hardly seems as if we've had nearly enough leaders, huh?

Solomon: And, now, in the fourth year of my reign over Israel, in the month Zif, which is the second month, that we began to build the house of the Lord.

Historian: Good start.

Solomon: And the length of the house which I build for the Lord is threescore cubits, and the breadth is twenty cubits, and the height is thirty cubits. And the porch before the temple of the house, is twenty cubits in length thereof, and ten cubits in breadth.

Historian: Porches are always nice.

Solomon: I I made windows for the house of narrow lights. And against the wall of the house I built chambers round about, both of the temple and of the oracle and he made chambers round about. The nethermost chamber is five cubits broad, and the middle is six cubits broad, and the third is seven cubits broad, for without in the wall of the house he made narrowed rests round about, that the beams should not be fastened in the walls of the house.

Historian: Should we provide a blueprint, Solomon? Might make it easier to see what we're taking about.

Solomon: Maybe later. Anyway, yo continue, the house, when it was being built, was built of stone made ready before it so that there was neither hammer nor axe nor any tool of iron heard in the house, while it was in building. The door for the middle chamber is in the right side of the house and they went up with winding stairs into the middle chamber, and out of the middle into the third. And we covered the house with beams and boards of cedar.We also built chambers against all the house, five cubits high and they rested on the house with timber of cedar.

Historian: Very good, Solomon. Is that all?

Solomon: Then God spoke to me, saying, "Concerning this house which you are building, if you will walk in my statutes, and execute my judgments, and keep all my commandments, then will I perform my word with you, which I spoke unto David your father, and I will dwell among the children of Israel, and will not forsake my people Israel."

Historian: Yes, the old "abusive husband" gambit. Do what I say, and you won't get smacked.

Solomon: Something like that. Also, we built the walls of the house within with boards of cedar, both the floor of the house, and the walls of the ceiling, and we covered them on the inside with wood, and covered the floor of the house with planks of fir. And we built twenty cubits on the sides of the house, both the floor and the walls with boards of cedar, and even built them for it within, even for the oracle, even for the most holy place. And the house, that is, the temple before it, is forty cubits long. And the cedar of the house within is carved with knops and open flowers, there is no stone seen.

Historian: We're going back to describing the building, huh? How about you let the architects shot me a memo, and, if anyone cares, they can read it for themselves?

Solomon: I haven't even described the gold and cherubim everywhere. It took us seven years to build.

Historian: I'll be sure to make note of it.

1 Kings 5: King Hiram Gives Wood To Solomon

2011-02-13T03:55:00.000-08:00

Solomon: So, what's on the agenda today, servant? Has God called or anything?

Servant: No, no God. But, Hiram, king of Tyre has sent his servants to you. For Hiram was ever a lover of David.

Solomon: Really? So, he was two-timing Jonathan, huh? Well, good. I could use some help. Messenger, come here!

Messenger: Yes, Solomon?

Solomon: Tell, Hiram, the following: You know that David my father could not build a house to the name of the Lord his God for the wars which were about him on every side, until the Lord put them under the soles of his feet. But now the Lord my God has given me rest on every side, so that there is neither adversary nor evil occurring. And, behold, I purpose to build an house to the name of the Lord my God, as the Lord spake to David my father, saying, "Your son, whom I will set upon your throne in your room, he shall build an house to my name. Now therefore command you that they hew me cedar trees out of Lebanon and my servants shall be with your servants and to you will I give hire for your servants according to all that you shall appoint for you know that there is not among us any that can skill to hew timber like unto the Sidonians."

Messenger: Got it.

LATER

Servant: "...No one knows wood like the Sidonians." Signed, Solomon.

Hiram: Oh, marvelous! Blessed be the Lord this day, which has given to David a wise son over this great people. Messenger, send back to Solomon the following message: "I have considered the things which you sent to me for and I will do all you desire concerning timber of cedar, and concerning timber of fir. My servants shall bring them down from Lebanon to the sea and I will convey them by sea in floats to the place that thou shalt appoint me, and will cause them to be discharged there, and you shall receive them and you shall accomplish my desire, in giving food for my household."

Messenger: Got it.

LATER

Messenger: "Am sending wood. Signed, Hiram."

Solomon: Great. Servant, send Hiram twenty thousand measures of wheat for food to his household, and twenty measures of pure oil.

Servant: Will do. This will surely bring lasting peace between Hiram and Solomon.

Solomon: I think we'll form a league together. But, I think I need some men. Servant, I wish to raise a levy out of all Israel for thirty thousand men. I'll send them to Lebanon, ten thousand a month by courses. They'll spend a month in Lebanon, and two months at home. Also, send threescore and ten thousand that bare burdens, and fourscore thousand hewers to the mountains. And, beside the chief of my officers, which are over the work, three thousand and three hundred, which ruled over the people that wrought in the work.

Servant: will do.

LATER

Solomon's Men: We're back. We've brought great stones, costly stones, and hewed stones, to lay the foundation of the house. Your builders and Hiram's builders did hew them, and the stonesquarers, so they prepared timber and stones to build the house.

Solomon: Good to know.

1 Kings 4: Solomon Orders His Household

2011-02-13T03:54:00.000-08:00

Solomon: Well, I guess I'm now king over all Israel. I need to organize around here. Servant, who are the princes around here?

Servant: Let's see, we have Azariah the son of Zadok the priest, Elihoreph and Ahiah, the sons of Shisha, who are scribes; Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud, the recorder, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada who is over the host, and Zadok and Abiathar are the priests.

Solomon: I'm going to make Azariah the son of Nathan over the officers and Zabud the son of Nathan as principal officer, and the king's friend.

Servant: With or without benefits?

Solomon: We'll play it by ear. Put Ahishar over the household and Adoniram the son of Abda over the tribute. I'll also have twelve officers over all Israel. Oh, and each officer will provide victuals for the king and his household, each man his month in a year. Those twelve will be the son of Hur, in mount Ephraim, the son of Dekar, in Makaz, and in Shaalbim, and Bethshemesh, and Elonbethhanan, the son of Hesed, in Aruboth; to him pertains Sochoh, and all the land of Hepher, the son of Abinadab, in all the region of Dor, which has Taphath the daughter of Solomon to wife, Baana the son of Ahilud; to him pertains Taanach and Megiddo, and all Bethshean, which is by Zartanah beneath Jezreel, from Bethshean to Abelmeholah, even unto the place that is beyond Jokneam, the son of Geber, in Ramothgilead; to him pertains the towns of Jair the son of Manasseh, which are in Gilead; to him also pertains the region of Argob, which is in Bashan, threescore great cities with walls and brasen bars, Ahinadab the son of Iddo has Mahanaim, Ahimaaz is in Naphtali; he also took Basmath the daughter of Solomon to wife, Baanah the son of Hushai is in Asher and in Aloth, Jehoshaphat the son of Paruah, in Issachar, Shimei the son of Elah, in Benjamin, Geber the son of Uri is in the country of Gilead, in the country of Sihon king of the Amorites, and of Og king of Bashan; and he is the only officer which is in the land.

Servant: Wow. That wisdom God gave you is really helping your memory for minutia.

Solomon: I know.

LATER

Servant: Judah and Israel are many, as the sand which is by the sea in multitude, eating and drinking, and making merry. And Solomon reigns over all kingdoms from the river to the land of the Philistines, and to the border of Egypt. They brought presents, and served Solomon all the days of his life.

Messenger: That's very poetic.

Servant: Hey, do you know how much food Solomon and his household eats?

Messenger: No. How much?

Servant: In one day it is thirty measures of fine flour, and threescore measures of meal, ten fat oxen, twenty oxen out of the pastures, and an hundred sheep, beside harts, roebucks, fallowdeer, and fatted fowl.

Messenger: Wow. That's a lot of meat.

Servant: You know it. He has dominion over all the regions on this side the river, from Tiphsah even to Azzah, over all the kings on this side the river and he has peace on all sides round about him. And Judah and Israel dwell safely, every man under his vine and under his fig tree, from Dan even to Beersheba, all the days of Solomon. You want to how many horses he has?

Messenger: How many?

Servant: Solomon has forty thousand stalls of horses for his chariots, and twelve thousand horsemen.

Messenger: That's a lot of horses.

Servant: You bet. It's a good thing God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea shore. Solomon's wisdom excels the wisdom of all the children of the east country, and all the wisdom of Egypt. e is wiser than all men, than Ethan the Ezrahite, and Heman, and Chalcol, and Darda, the sons of Mahol, and his fame is in all nations round about.

Messenger: Yes, he is really smart. Too bad he hasn't found a cure for plague, though.

Servant: And he spke three thousand proverbs and his songs were a thousand and five. And he spake of trees, from the cedar tree that is in Lebanon even unto the hyssop that springs out of the wall. He spoke also of beasts, and of fowl, and of creeping things, and of fishes. And people come from all around to hear the wisdom of Solomon, from all kings of the earth, which have heard of his wisdom.

Messenger: And you're his Public Relations guy.

Servant: How'd you guess?

1 Kings 3: God Grants Solomon One Wish, Gets Wisdom, And Proves Which Harlot Had a Baby

2011-01-30T05:02:00.000-08:00

Solomon: So, Pharaoh, what do you say? Can I have your daughter or not?

Pharaoh: Sure. I got plenty.

Solomon: And with the acquisition of Pharaoh's daughter, I think my house is complete.

Servant: Just in time to. We've also made an end of building the house of the Lord and the wall of Jerusalem. Only the people make their sacrifices in high places.

Solomon: Good. I think I'll take a walk in the statues of my father, David, and make a few sacrifices in high places in Gibeon. A thousand sacrifices should make God happy.

Servant: That's a lot of dead animals.

Solomon: You know it.

LATER, IN GIBEON

Solomon: Time to turn in.

God: Solomon, ask what I shall give you.

Solomon: Is that you God? Really? Or is this just a dream?

God: Both. I'm God and I'm appearing to you in a dream.

Solomon: Can't you appear to me in person, when I'm awake, like you used to to Abraham and Moses?

God: I don't do that anymore. Too much paperwork.

Solomon: so, am I supposed to ask you what you're going to give to me, or am I supposed to ask you for something?

God: The second one.

Solomon: Oh, good. Well, you were pretty good to David, mostly. And, know that I'm king, I feel a little out of my depth. How about you grant my wisdom, and an understanding heart to judge your people, that I may discern between good and bad, for who is able to judge this your so great a people?

God: Really, wisdom, huh? You sure? I'm all powerful, you know. I could give you the ability to fire lightening bolts from your fingers, or the ability to fly, something like that. You sure you want to go with wisdom?

Solomon: Now that you mention it....

God: Well, I like your speech, so I'll give you wisdom. Because you have asked this thing, and have not asked for yourself long life, neither have you asked riches for yourself, nor have asked the life of your enemies, but have asked for yourself understanding to discern judgment...

Solomon: Oh, oh! Can I add those last things to my wish, too? I mean, it should e no trouble for you, right? I mean, even a genie gives three wishes.

God: Behold, I have done according to your words, I have given you a wise and an understanding heart so that there were none like you before you, neither after you shall any arise like to you. And I have also given you that which you have not asked, both riches, and honor, so that there shall not be any among the kings like you all your days.

Solomon: Sweet! Riches, honor and wisdom. Thanks, God! You're the best.

God: And if you will walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as your father David did walk, then I will lengthen your days.

Solomon: Right. Right. Keep your rules, long life.

God: Now, wake up!

Solomon: I'm awake! It was a dream, but so real. And I feel smarter already. Back to Jerusalem!

IN JERUSALEM

Solomon: Well, back to the ark of the covenant of the Lord, I better offer up burnt offerings, and peace offerings, and make a feast to all my servants.

Servant: Uh, Solomon, we got a problem.

Harlot One: It's mine!

Harlot Two: No, it's mine!

Solomon: Well, hello ladies!

Harlot One: O my lord, I and this woman dwell in one house and I delivered a child with her in the house. And it came to pass the third day after I was delivered that this woman had a baby, too. There are no witnesses, just us two. And this woman's child died in the night, because she overlaid it. And she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while I slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom.

Solomon: Creepy.

Harlot One: And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead, but when I looked at it in the morning, I could see it was not my son, which I did bear.

Harlot Two: No, the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.

Harlot One: No, the dead baby is your son, and the living one is my son.

Solomon: So, no one wants the dead baby. Well, clearly, it's impossible for me to tell who is lying. Shoot, should have asked God to give me truth detecting power. Anyone, I've got a solution. Servant, bring me a sword.

Servant: Here you go.

Solomon: I'll just cut the living child in half and give half to one and half to the other. Then everyone's happy. Except the kid, who will be dead.

Harlot One: No, oh my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it.

Harlot Two: Hmm. Sounds fair to me, let it be neither mine nor hers, but divide it. But are you going to right it length wise or cross wise? Cause I don't really want the baby's butt half. Left or right half, I don't care, but...

Solomon: Ha! Fooled you! I'm not going to divide the child, I'm giving it to the women who said not to kill it, because she's the mother. Probably. Unless the real mother is a psychopath. Anyone, the one who said not the kill it, clearly should keep it.

Harlot One Yay!

Harlot Two: Rats.

Solomon: And, since you are both unmarried women who had children, you are clearly fornicators and shall both be put to dead for having sex outside marriage, as the laws of Leviticus demand.

Harlots: What!?!

Solomon: Just kidding! You'll only be put to death if you ever try to get married.

People of Israel: Truly, the wisdom of God is in him, to do judgment. And that makes us fearful.

1 Kings 2: David Dies, Solomon Becomes King, Enacts Revenge On David's Enemies

2011-01-30T05:01:00.000-08:00

David: Well, I'm almost dead. Solomon, come here, I need to speak to you!

Solomon: Yes, David?

David: I go the way of all the earth. Be strong therefore, and show yourself a man,a and keep the charge of the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and his testimonies, as it is written in the law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do, and where ever you turn yourself. That way the Lord may continue his word which he spoke concerning me, saying, "If your children take heed to their way, to walk before me in truth with all their heart and with all their soul, there shall not fail you (said he) a man on the throne of Israel."

Solomon: Right, the whole, "obey me, or I will smite you" thing.

David: Moreover you know also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me, and what he did to the two captains of the hosts of Israel, to Abner the son of Ner, and to Amasa the son of Jether, whom he slew, and shed the blood of war in peace, and put the blood of war upon his girdle that was about his loins, and in his shoes that were on his feet.

Solomon: Blood...in his shoes? Sounds squishy.

David: Do therefore according to your wisdom, and let not his white head go down to the grave in peace.

Solomon: Make Joab suffer. Check.

David: But show kindness to the sons of Barzillai the Gileadite, and let them be of those that eat at your table, for they came to me when I fled because of Absalom your brother.

Solomon: Be nice to Barzilla...i.

David: And, behold, you have with you Shimei the son of Gera, a Benjamite of Bahurim, who cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim, but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I swore to him by the Lord, saying, "I will not put you to death with the sword."

Solomon: So...I'm free to kill him.

David: Exactly! Now therefore hold him not guiltless, for you are a wise man, and knowest what you oughtest to do to him, but his white head bring you down to the grave with blood.

Solomon: I like the way you think.

David: And now...I sleep with my fathers.

Solomon: Gross.

David: No, you idiot, I die.

Solomon: Ah! Like sleep with the fishes. A figure of speech. Good luck...where ever.

David: And bury me in the city of David.

Solomon: We will.

LATER

Solomon: And David reigned over Israel forty years. Seven years he reigned in Hebron, and thirty-three years he reigned in Jerusalem. Now, I sit on the throne. My kingdom is established greatly.

Servant: Yes, it is!

SOMEWHERE ELSE

Adonijah, the son of Haggith: Hi, Bathsheba.

Bathsheba, the mother of Solomon: Come you peaceably?

Adonijah: Peaceably.I have something to say to you.

Bathsheba: Go on.

Adonijah: You know that the kingdom was mine, and that all Israel set their faces on me, that I should reign. Howbeit the kingdom is turned about, and is become my brother's, for it was his from the Lord. And now I ask one petition of you, deny me not.

Bathsheba: Say on.

Adonijah: Speak, I pray you, to Solomon the king, for he will not say you no,) that he give me Abishag the Shunammite to wife.

Bathsheba: Well, I will speak for you to the king.

AT SOLOMON'S NEW DIGS

Bathsheba: Solomon, can we talk?

Solomon: About what?

Bathsheba: I have a request, and I hope you won't say, "no."

Solomon: Well, that depends on the request, doesn't it? But for you, mother, I'll take a chance and say that I won't say, "no."

Bathsheba: Let Abishag the Shunammite be given to Adonijah you brother to wife.

Solomon: And why do you ask that Abishag the Shunammite be given to Adonijah? You may as well ask for him the kingdom also, for he is my elder brother, even for him, and for Abiathar the priest, and for Joab the son of Zeruiah.

Bathsheba: But you promised you wouldn't say, "no."

Solomon: Never mind that. I swear by the Lord, God do so to me, and more also, if Adonijah have not spoken this word against his own life. Now therefore, as the Lord lives, which has established me, and set me on the throne of David my father, and who has made me an house, as he promised, Adonijah shall be put to death this day.

Bathsheba: Seems I've made a miscalculation somewhere.

Solomon: Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, go get him.

Benaiah: One dead Adonijah, coming up.

MINUTES LATER

Adonijah: ARRRRGGGH.

Solomon: As for you, Abiathar the priest, Go to Anathoth, to your fields, for you are worthy of death, but I will not at this time put you to death, because you bore the ark of the Lord God before David my father, and because you have been afflicted in all which my father was afflicted.

Abianthar: Well, it's a better deal than Adonijah got. I'm out of here.

ELSEWHERE:

Joab: Shit, Solomon's really cleaning house. First Adonijah, then Abianthat. I'm obviously next. I better flee to the tabernacle of the Lord. Once I grab the horns of the altar, I'll be safe.

AT SOLOMON'S

Messenger: So, Joab's in the tabernacle, holding onto its horns.

Solomon: I know how to deal with horn holders. Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, go, kill him.

AT THE TABERNACLE

Benaiah: Come out, come out, where ever you are!

Joab: No!

Benaiah: The king commands you to come out.

Joab: I don't care. You want to kill me. I'd rather die in here.

Benaiah: Crap. He's on to me.

BACK AT SOLOMON'S

Benaiah: So, he refuses to come out for me to kill him. It's so unfair.

Solomon: This isn't hard. Kill him in the tabernacle and bury him, that you may take away the innocent blood, which Joab shed, from me, and from the house of my father. And the Lord shall return his blood upon his own head, who fell upon two men more righteous and better than he, and slew them with the sword, my father David not knowing, thereof, to wit, Abner the son of Ner, captain of the host of Israel, and Amasa the son of Jether, captain of the host of Judah. Their blood shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever, but upon David, and upon his seed, and upon his house, and upon his throne, shall there be peace for ever from the Lord.

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada: I guess...I'll go kill him, then.

LATER

Benaiah: I did it. I killed him. He's buried in his own house in the wilderness.

Solomon: Great job. I'm going to give you a room over the host. And Zadok the priest gets the room of Abiathar.

Zadok: Yay!

Solomon: Shimei, come here!

Shimei: Yes, Solomon?

Solomon: Build for yourself a house in Jerusalem, and dwell there, and go not forth any where. For it shall be, that on the day you go out, and pass over the brook Kidron, you shalt know for certain that you shall surely die. Your blood shall be upon your own head.

Shimei: The saying is good, as my lord the king has said, so will your servant do.

THREE YEARS LATER

One servants of Shimei: Let's take a trip.

Second Servant of Shimei: Where to?

One Servant of Shimei: To Achish son of Maachah king of Gath.

Second Servant: Great, I'm in.

LATER

Messenger: Look, we are in Gath. Love and Kisses, your two servants.

Shimei: Well, I better go get him.

Messenger: What about Solomon's warning that you'll die if you cross the brook? Why risk death for two servants?

Shimei: I'm kind of stupid that way.

LATER, AT SOLOMON'S PLACE

Messenger: So, Shimei went to Gath and brought his servants from Gath.

Solomon: Well, bring him here, we need to talk.

Shimai: Solomon, how are you?

Solomon: Did I not make you swear by the Lord, and protested to you, saying, "Know for a certain, on the day you go out, and walk abroad anywhere, that you shall surely die?" And you said to me, "The word that I have heard is good."

Shimai: Sounds familiar.

Solomon: So, then, why did you not keep the oath of the Lord, and the commandment that I have charged thee with? Moreover, you know all the wickedness which your heart is privy to, that you did to David my father, therefore, the Lord shall return your wickedness upon your own head, and king Solomon shall be blessed, and the throne of David shall be established before the Lord for ever.

Shimai: So, looks like the end of the line, for old Shimai.

Solomon: Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, kill him.

Shimai: Arrrrgggh.

Benaiah: Done.

Solomon: Well, now that all the killing is out of the way, who's ready for lunch?

1 Kings 1:Solomon Arrives on The Scene

2011-01-23T13:23:00.001-08:00

David: Now, I'm old and stricken in years. I'm covered in clothes, but they give no heat.

Servants: Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin, and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in your bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

David: Yes, that will do it!

SOON

Servants: David, we've found Abishag a Shunammite. Here she is!

Abishag: Hi!

David: Very fair, indeed.

Abishag: Here, let me "cherish" you and "minister" to you.

David: Yes, please. Just so you know, I can't "know" you, given how old I am.

Abishag: Are we both talking about sex? 'Cause I was talking about sex.

ELSEWHERE

Adonijah the son of Haggith: I'm going to be king next, you know. I've even prepared chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before me.

Haggith: Why have you done so?

Adonijah: Because I'm just that cool.

Haggith: I better see Joab and Abiathar about this.

Joab: Well, maybe he will be the next king.

Abiathar: You never know. stranger things have happened. We'll try to help him out.

Zadok the priest: No way!

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada: Yeah, not a chance.

Nathan the prophet: That dick, king?

Shimei: I agree. He's not kingly material.

Rei: Not in this lifetime.

Mighty Men which belonged to David: No of us are with Adonijah.

Adonijah: Hmmm, looks like I need to do some schmoozing. I'll slay some sheep, oxen and fat cattle by the stone of Zoheleth, which is by Enrogel, and call all my brethren the king's sons, and all the men of Judah the king's servants. But not Nathan the prophet, or Benaiah, or the mighty men, or Solomon, my brother. Those jerks.

MEANWHILE

Nathan: Bathsheba, you're the mother of Solomon, have you not heard that Adonijah the son of Haggith does reign, and David our lord knows it not? Now therefore come, let me, I pray you, give you counsel, that you may save your own life, and the life of your son Solomon.

Bathsheba: Yes, I'd like that.

Nathan: Go and get you in to king David, and say to him, "Did you not, my lord, O king, swear to yourhandmaid, saying, 'Assuredly Solomon your son shall reign after me, and he shall sit upon my throne?' Why then does Adonijah reign?" Then, while you talk with the king, I will come in after you, and confirm your words.

Bathsheba: Could work. Let's do it.

LATER, AT DAVID'S PLACE

Bathsheba: David, you in here? Oh, hey, uh...

Abishag the Shunammite: I'm "ministering" unto the king.

Bathsheba: So, that's what you call that. I bow to you, King.

David: What do you want?

Bathsheba: My lord, you swore by the Lord your God to your handmaid, saying, "Assuredly Solomon your son shall reign after me, and he shall sit upon my throne." And now, look, Adonijah reigns, and now, my lord the king, you know it not. And he has slain oxen and fat cattle and sheep in abundance, and has called all the sons of the king, and Abiathar the priest, and Joab the captain of the host, but Solomon your servant he has not called.

David: I see. That is a pretty pickle.

Bathsheba: And you, my lord, O king, the eyes of all Israel are upon you, that you should tell them who shall sit on the throne of my lord the king after him. Otherwise it shall come to pass, when my lord the king shall sleep with his fathers, that I and my son Solomon shall be counted offenders.

Nathan: Hey! I'm here to confirm what she said.

David: What?

Nathan: Uh, My lord, O king, have you said, "Adonijah shall reign after me, and he shall sit upon my throne?" For he is gone down this day, and has slain oxen and fat cattle and sheep in abundance, and has called all the king's sons, and the captains of the host, and Abiathar the priest, and, behold, they eat and drink before him, and say, "God save king Adonijah." But me, even me your servant, and Zadok the priest, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, and your servant Solomon, he has not called. Is this thing done by my lord the king, and you have not showed it to your servant, who should sit on the throne of my lord the king after him?

David: Call for Bathsheba.

Bathsheba: I never really left.

David: As the Lord lives, that has redeemed my soul out of all distress, even as I swore to you by the Lord God of Israel, saying, "Assuredly Solomon your son shall reign after me, and he shall sit upon my throne in my stead, even so will I certainly do this day."

Bathsheba: Let my lord king David live forever.

David: Call me Zadok the priest, and Nathan the prophet, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada.

Zadok: We're here.

David: Take with you the servants of your lord, and cause Solomon my son to ride upon my own mule, and bring him down to Gihon, and let Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet anoint him there king over Israel and blow you with the trumpet, and say, "God save king Solomon." Then you shall come up after him, that he may come and sit upon my throne, for he shall be king in my stead and I have appointed him to be ruler over Israel and over Judah.

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada: Amen, the Lord God of my lord the king says so too. As the Lord has been with my lord the king, even so be he with Solomon, and make his throne greater than the throne of my lord king David.

David: Yeah, what you said.

SOON

Solomon: So, Zadok the priest, Nathan the prophet, Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, the Cherethites, and the Pelethites, all want me to ride this mule to Gihon.

Zadok the priest: Surprise!

Solomon: Gross, why are you pouring oil all over me!

Zadok: It's a horn of oil out of the tabernacle. We're making you king! God save king Solomon.

People: Hurray!

Adonijah: What's that sound?

Joab: Uh oh. I hear the sound of the trumpet. And the city is in an uproar. This doesn't look good.

Jonathan, the son of Abiathar the priest: Hi!

Adonijah: Come in, for you are a valiant man, and bring good tidings.

Jonathan: Truly, because our lord king David has made Solomon king. That's what all the noise is about.

Adonijah: You've got a funny definition of glad tidings.

BACK AT DAVID'S

Servants: Great job, David. God make the name of Solomon better than your name, and make his throne greater than your throne.

David: Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which has given one to sit on my throne this day, mine eyes even seeing it.

MEANWHILE, AT ADONIJAH'S

Guests: Well, that's that. Great party, Adonijah. But, we really must be going. So long!

Adonijah: Crap, Solomon could have me killed any minute. I better go see if I can do something.

SOON

Servant of Solomon: Adonijah. What are you doing?

Adonijah: I'm holding on the horns of the altar. I'm afraid Solomon will kill me. See if you can get hi to swear not to kill me.

LATER

Servant: ...and he's just standing there, holding the horns.

Solomon: Tell him, "If he shows himself a worthy man, there shall not an hair of his fall to the earth, but if wickedness shall be found in him, he shall die."

SOON

Servant: that's what he said.

Adonijah: Guess that's as good as deal as any. I take it.

Solomon: Now, go home.

2 Samuel 24: David Didn't Die Last Chapter, God Sends a Plague Instead.

2011-01-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

God: David! Hey, David! I'm mad at Israel, again.

David: I thought I was dead. Last chapter was my last words. What am I still doing alive?

God: Uh, never mind that. Go, number Israel and Judah.

David: Fine. Joab, go through all the tribes of Israel, from Dan even to Beersheba, and number the people, that I may know the number of the people.

Joab: Yes, why else would you number people. Now the Lord your God add to the people, however many they be, a hundredfold, and that the eyes of my lord the king may see it, but why does my lord the king delight in this thing?

David: Just do it.

Joab: Yes, sir.

NINE MONTHS AND TWENTY DAYS LATER

Joab: David, we've returned. We passed over Jordan and went to Gilead, and to the land of Tahtimhodshi, and to Danjaan, and about to Zidon, the stronghold of Tyre, and to all the cities of the Hivites, and of the Canaanites, and out to the south of Judah, even to Beersheba. Now, we're back in Jerusalem.

David: Hey, good to have you back. How many people are there?

Joab: There are in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword, and the men of Judah are five hundred thousand men.

David: My heart smites me. Lord, I have sinned greatly in what I have done, and now, I beseech you, O, Lord, take away the iniquity of your servant, for I have done very foolishly.

Gad: Hey, David, the word of the Lord has come upon me!

David: Gross.

Gad: It told me to tell you, "Thus says the Lord, I offer you three things, choose one of them, that I may do it unto you..."

David: Oh, goody!

Gad: "...Shall seven years of famine come to you in your land? Or will you flee three months before your enemies, while they pursue you? Or that there be three days' pestilence in you land? Now advise, and see what answer I shall return to him that sent me."

David: Gad, I am in a great strait. Let us fall now into the hand of the Lord, for his mercies are great and let me not fall into the hand of man.

Gad: Um, we'll see about that.

THE NEXT MORNING

David: Um, looks like God choose to send a pestilence upon Israel.

Gad: Yes, reports are that 70,000 people have died of it, from Dan even to Beersheba.

David: Son of a bitch.

MEANWHILE, BY THE THRESHINGPLACE OF ARAUNAH THE JEBUSITE

Angel of God: Oh, what great fun! Spreading pestilence, killing people, Wheeeeee! Now, time to smite Jerusalem!

God: Angel, that's enough, stay your hand. I've repented of this evil.

David: I see an angel! That must be the one that killed everyone! God, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly, but these sheep, what have they done? Let your hand, I pray you, be against me, and against my father's house.

God: Well, I've already repented....

Gad: David, go up, rear an altar to the Lord in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite.

David: Sure, no problem.

God: That's not necessary, I've already repented...

Araunah: What's all this now? That's King David, coming here, to my threshing floor. I better greet him. Um, hi? What's going on?

David: To buy the threshingfloor of thee, to build an altar unto the Lord, that the plague may be stayed from the people.

God: Guys, guys! I already told the angel to knock it off. There's really no need...

Araunah: Well, sure, King David, whatever offer seems good to him. Look, here be oxen for burnt sacrifice, and threshing instruments and other instruments of the oxen for wood. You take them. And may god accept them.

David: No, but I will surely buy it of you at a price, neither will I offer burnt offerings unto the Lord my God of that which does cost me nothing. Here, have fifty shekels of silver.

God: Fine, go ahead. I don't care anymore. No one listens to me. No more plague.

David: Now, let's build this alter and offer those burnt offerings and peace offerings so this plague will end.

2 Samuel 23: David Dies

2011-01-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

David: Well, I've done enough damage. It's time to die. Scribe! To me!

Scribe: Yes, David?

David: I'm going to die now, and I want you to record my last words.

Scribe: Okay. Shoot.

David: The Spirit of the Lord spoke by me, and his word was in my tongue. The God of Israel said, "the Rock of Israel spoke to me, He that rules over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God. And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun rises, even a morning without clouds, as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain. Although my house be not so with God, yet he has made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things, and sure, for this is all my salvation, and all my desire, although he make it not to grow. But the sons of Belial shall be all of them as thorns thrust away, because they cannot be taken with hands, But the man that shall touch them must be fenced with iron and the staff of a spear, and they shall be utterly burned with fire in the same place.

Scribe: Very good. Is that all?

David: No. Also record the names and deeds of my mighty men.

Scribe: Let's see. The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains, Adino the Eznite. He lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. And after him is Eleazar the son of Dodo the Ahohite, one of the three mighty men with you, when you defied the Philistines that were there gathered together to battle, and the men of Israel were gone away. He arose, and smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword, and the Lord wrought a great victory that day, and the people returned after him only to spoil.

David: Very good. Go on.

Scribe: And after him was Shammah the son of Agee the Hararite. And the Philistines were gathered together into a troop, where was a piece of ground full of lentiles, and the people fled from the Philistines. But he stood in the midst of the ground, and defended it, and slew the Philistines, and the Lord wrought a great victory.

David: Listen, I'm going to die now. I'll just trust you to get them all down.

Scribe: I'll try.

2 Samuel 22: David Sings a Long, Boring, Ass-Kissing Song to God

2011-01-16T03:10:00.000-08:00

David: Well, the Lord has delivered me out of the hand of all my enemies. You know what that means?

Servant: What, David?

David: Time to sing! To the Lord!

Servant: Really, you sure? Seems if God wanted to hear you caterwaul, he'd be around more often, instead of hiding away for years at a time, letting things go to shit.

David: Trust me, God will want to hear tis. Listen. "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer, the God of my rock, in him will I trust. He is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my savior, you save me from violence. I will call on the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, so shall I be saved from mine enemies....

Servant: I see. An ass-kissing song. He would probably enjoy that.

David: When the waves of death compassed me, the floods of ungodly men made me afraid, the sorrows of hell compassed me about...

Servant: Hell? what's that?

David: ...the snares of death prevented me, in my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried to my God, and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears. Then the earth shook and trembled, the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured, coals were kindled by it...

Servant: God's nostrils...smoke?

David: ...He bowed the heavens also, and came down, and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly, and he was seen upon the wings of the wind...

Servant: I thought God could fly on his own. Why would he ride a cherub?

David: ...And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies. Through the brightness before him were coals of fire kindled. The Lord thundered from heaven, and the most High uttered his voice. And he sent out arrows, and scattered them; lightning, and discomfited them. And the channels of the sea appeared, the foundations of the world were discovered, at the rebuking of the Lord, at the blast of the breath of his nostrils. He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters, he delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me, for they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay."

Servant: Very nice, David. Nice song. Well, I've got to be going...

David: I'm not done yet. "He brought me forth also into a large place: he delivered me, because he delighted in me. The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness: according to the cleanness of my hands has he recompensed me. For I have kept the ways of the Lord, and have not wickedly departed from my God...

Servant: Scribe! Scribe!

Scribe: Yes?

Servant: Are you writing all this down?

Scribe: Certainly.

Servant: Great. When David is done, you can send me a copy.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

David: ...He is the tower of salvation for his king, and sheweth mercy to his anointed, unto David, and to his seed for evermore." There, finished. What do you think of it, Servant?

Scribe: Sorry, David. He left already. But he did ask for a copy of your song to keep.

David: Of course. Who wouldn't?

2 Samuel 21: David Allows the Gibeonites to Kill Seven Innocent Men to Make God Stop a Famine God Caused

2011-01-09T05:31:00.000-08:00

David: Geeze, this sucks. There's been famine for three years. I better ask God what's going on. God! Are you there?

God: Oh, hey, David, long time no see. What can I do for you?

David: Well, there's bee a famine in the land for three years. What's up with that?

God: Oh, that. It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites.

David: So, because a former king did something bad, you're punishing all the people who live here, now, even though the former king is already dead?

God: Yes. I guess I should have made the famine sooner, like when Saul was still king, but, hey, bygones.

David: fine. Gibeonites, can we talk?

Gibeonites: We're not of the children of Israel, you know, but a remnant of the Amorites.

David: Yes, I know.

Gibeonites: And you know the children of Israel had sworn unto them, and Saul sought to slay us in his zeal to the children of Israel and Judah.

David: I know, I know. Listen, what shall I do for you? And wherewith shall I make the atonement, that you may bless the inheritance of the Lord?

Gibeonites: We will have no silver nor gold of Saul, nor of his house, neither for us shall you kill any man in Israel.

David: Don't tell me what you don't want. Tell me what you want. What you shall say, that will I do for you.

Gibeonites: The man that consumed us, and that devised against us that we should be destroyed from remaining in any of the coasts of Israel. Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up to the Lord in Gibeah of Saul, whom the Lord did choose.

David: So, you don't want us to kill anyone, because you want to do it, yourselves. Okay. I will give them to you. But not Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan the son of Saul, because of the Lord's oath that is between them, between David and Jonathan the son of Saul. Instead, I'll take the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth, and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite.

Rizpah: Noooo!

Michal: You bastard!

David: Who let them in here?

LATER

David: Here you go. Seven completely innocent people, who had absolutely nothing to do with Saul's actions against you. For you to kill. Because I need God to stop a famine in my land, which He is causing.

Gibeonites: Thanks. Hang them high!

David: Wow. Look at them twitch.

Gibeonites: Did you know it's the first days of barley harvest?

David: Huh, that's interesting.

Rizpah the daughter of Aiah: Well, I'm taking sackcloth, and I'll spread it for me upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven, and suffer neither the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night.

Messenger: Did you hear about what Rizpah is doing?

David: I heard. I guess I'll go and get the bones of Saul and the bones of Jonathan his son from the men of Jabeshgilead, who had stolen them from the street of Bethshan, where the Philistines had hanged them, when the Philistines had slain Saul in Gilboa, and bring them here. Then we'll bury them in the country of Benjamin in Zelah, in the sepulchre of Kish his father, and perform all that the king commanded. That should make her happy after I let her two sons be killed.

God: I'm intreated for the land. By the way, the Philistines want another war with you.

David: Can't you do something about it, what with all your magic powers?

God: Later. Maybe.

David: Great. Men, the Philistines are revolting.

Men: We'll say.

David: Let's go get them.

LATER

David: Geeze, I wax faint.

Ishbibenob: David's mine!

Abishai: Holy crap! You're huge!

Ishbibenob: Yes, I'm of the sons of the giant. The weight of my spear is three hundred shekels of brass. And I've just got this new sword.

Abishai: I thought you killed David. Instead, I'll kill you!

Ishbibenob: ARRGGH!

David's Men: David, you shall go no more out with us to battle, that you quench not the light of Israel.

LATER

Messenger: David, there's another battle with the Philistines at Gob and Sibbechai the Hushathite has slain Saph, which is of the sons of the giant and Elhanan the son of Jaareoregim, a Bethlehemite, has slain the brother of Goliath the Gittite, the staff of whose spear was like a weaver's beam.

David: Wow. Where are all these giants coming from? Maybe God should cut them off at the source.

Another Messenger: David, there is a battle in Gath, where there is a man of great stature, that has on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number, and he also was born to the giant.

David:What a freak show!

Messenger: Don't worry, when he defied Israel, Jonathan the son of Shimea the brother of David slew him.

David: So, these four were born to the same giant in Gath? And they all fell by the hand of me or by the hand of my servants. They just don't make giants like they used to.

2 Samuel 20: All It Takes To Get A Head In Life is One Wise Woman

2011-01-09T04:31:00.000-08:00

Sheba, a man of Belial, the son of Bichri, a Benjamite: We have no part in David, neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse. Every man to his tents, O Israel.

So every man of Israel: We're convinced. We'll go up from after David, and follow Sheba the son of Bichri.

The men of Judah: Not us, we're cleaving unto our king, from Jordan even to Jerusalem.

MEANWHILE

David: I'm home!

David's Ten Concubines: Welcome back! Would you like a welcome home fuck?

David: Sure! But not with you. I'm putting all you in ward, and feeding you, but I'm not screwing you. You're going to be shut up unto the day of your death, living in widowhood.

David's Ten Concubines: What? Because you refused to allow us to go with you, and we ended up raped, you're treating us like lepers? You suck.

David: Yeah, I do. I really do. Amasa, assemble me the men of Judah within three days, and you be here present.

Amasa: Will do.

LONGER THAN THREE DAYS LATER

David: Where is that slacker Amasa? He's late. Abishai, now Sheba the son of Bichri shall do us more harm than did Absalom. Take your lord's servants, and pursue after him, lest he get inside some fenced cities, and escape us.

Joab's men: And we'll take the Cherethites, the Pelethites, and all the mighty men and go out of Jerusalem, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.

David: Do that.

SOON

Joab's Mighty Men: Well, we've reached the great stone which is in Gibeon.

Amasa: Let me go before you. And give me Joab's garment, and upon it a girdle with a sword fastened upon my loins in the sheath. Whoops.

Joab's Mighty Men: Your sword has fallen out. Embaressing.

Joab: Amasa, Are you in health, my brother? Let me take you by the beard with the right hand and kiss you.

Amasa: Is that a sword in your hand or are you just glad to see me?

Joab: Have at you!

Amasa: Owww! Right in the fifth rib!

Joab: Hey, you've shed your bowels on the ground. Gross.

Amasa: Arggggh.

Joab and Abishai his brother: Now, let's go after Sheba the son of Bichri.

One of Joab's man: He that favors Joab, and he that is for David, let him go after Joab.

People: Ewww. Amasa still wallows in blood in the midst of the highway. Gross.

One of Joab's men: Eh? Oh, don't worry. I'll just toss him in a field and cast a cloth upon him. See, out of sight, out of mind.

All the people: That's better. Now we'll go after Joab, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.

All the tribes of Israel unto Abel, and to Bethmaachah, and all the Berites: We'll gather together, and go after him also.

Joab: Good.

LATER

Joab: So, we've got him besieged him in Abel of Bethmaachah. Cast up a bank against the city, and batter the wall, to throw it down.

A wise woman out of the city: Hear, hear, say, I pray you, unto Joab, come near, that I may speak with you.

Joab: Yes?

Wise Women: Are you Joab?

Joab: I am.

Wise Women: Hear the words of your handmaid.

Joab: I do hear.

Wise Women: They were wont to speak in old time, saying, "They shall surely ask counsel at Abel," and so they ended the matter. I am one of them that are peaceable and faithful in Israel. You seek to destroy a city and a mother in Israel. Why will you swallow up the inheritance of the Lord?

Joab: Far be it, far be it from me, that I should swallow up or destroy. The matter is not so. But a man of mount Ephraim, Sheba the son of Bichri by name, has lifted up his hand against the king, even against David. Deliver him only, and I will depart from the city.

Wise Woman: Behold, his head shall be thrown to you over the wall.

Joab: Sounds good. Do it.

LATER

Wise Women: Incoming!

Joab: Well, I'll be. The head of Sheba the son of Bichri. I'll blow my trumpet, and we'll retire from the city, every man to his tent. Then, it's back to Jerusalem to the king.

LATER

David: So, just to be clear, men, Joab is host of Israel, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada is over the Cherethites and over the Pelethites, and Adoram is over the tribute, and Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud is recorder, and Sheva is scribe and Zadok and Abiathar are the priests, and Ira also the Jairite is a chief ruler. Any questions?

Sheva: Uh, was I supposed to write that down?

No Post This Week

2010-12-26T05:49:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

2 Samuel 19: David Returns

2010-12-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

Messenger: Joab, the king weeps and mourns for Absalom.

Joab: Son of a bitch! So, my victory this day is turned into mourning to all the people.

David: O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!

Joab: David, you shame all your servants which have saved your life, and the lives of your sons and of your daughters, and of your wives, and of your concubines. In that you love your enemies, and hate you friends. For you have declared this day, that you regard neither princes nor servants. I think that if Absalom had lived, and all of us had died, then it would please you well. Now, therefore, arise, go forth, and speak comfortably to you servants, for I swear by the Lord, if you do not go forth, there will not tarry one with you this night and that will be worse unto you than all the evil that befell you from your youth until now.

David: I see. I think I'll go sit in the gate.

Joab: Okay.

David: Behold, the king does sit in the gate.

All the People: Hey, what's going on? Why's David sitting on the gate? The king saved us out of the hand of our enemies, and he delivered us out of the hand of the Philistines, and now he is fled out of the land for Absalom. And Absalom, whom we anointed over us, is dead in battle. Now therefore why speak you not a word of bringing the king back?

David: Messenger, go to Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, saying, "Speak unto the elders of Judah, saying,' Why are you the last to bring the king back to his house?' seeing the speech of all Israel is come to the king, even to his house. you are my brethren, you are my bones and my flesh. Why then are you the last to bring back the king?" And say to Amasa, "Are you not of my bone, and of my flesh? God do so to me, and more also, if you be not captain of the host before me continually in the room of Joab."

Shimei the son of Gera, a Benjamite, which was of Bahurim: Oh, hey, David, glad we met you.

David: That's quite a party you got there.

Shimai: What this? Just my entourage. There are a thousand men of Benjamin with me, and Ziba the servant of the house of Saul, and his fifteen sons and his twenty servants with him; and we all went over Jordan before you, the king.

David: I see.

Shimei: Let not my lord impute iniquity unto me, neither do you remember that which your servant did perversely the day that my lord the king went out of Jerusalem, that the king should take it to his heart. For your servant does know that I have sinned, therefore, behold, I am come the first this day of all the house of Joseph to go down to meet my lord the king.

Abishai the son of Zeruiah: David, shall not Shimei be put to death for this, because he cursed the Lord's anointed?

David: What have I to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah, that you should this day be adversaries unto me? Shall there any man be put to death this day in Israel? For do not I know that I am this day king over Israel? Shimei, you shall not die. I swear.

Mephibosheth, the son of Saul: Hey, David.

David: Good gravy! You look a mess!

Mephibosheth: Yeah, I've neither dressed my feet, nor trimmed my beard, nor washed my clothes, from the day the king departed until the day you came again in peace.

David: Yes, the clothes. That's what I smell. Why did you not go with me, Mephibosheth?

Mephibosheth: My lord, O king, my servant deceived me, for your servant said, I will saddle me an ass, that I may ride thereon, and go to the king, because your servant is lame. And he has slandered your servant to my lord the king, but my lord the king is as an angel of God. Do therefore what is good in your eyes. For all of my father's house were but dead men before my lord the king, yet did you set your servant among them that did eat at your own table. What right therefore have I yet to cry any more unto the king?

David: Why speak you any more of your matters? I have said, you and Ziba divide the land.

Mephibosheth: Yes, let him take all, forasmuch as my lord the king is come again in peace unto his own house.

Barzillai the Gileadite: Hi, I've come down from Rogelim to conduct you over Jordan.

David: Goodness, you're a very aged man. But a great men. You provided me sustenance while I lay at Mahanaim. Come you over with me, and I will feed you with me in Jerusalem.

Barzillai: How long have I to live, that I should go up with the king unto Jerusalem? I am this day fourscore years old, and can I discern between good and evil? Can your servant taste what I eat or what I drink? Can I hear any more the voice of singing men and singing women? Why then should your servant be yet a burden to my lord the king? Your servant will go a little way over Jordan with the king, and why should the king recompense it me with such a reward? Let your servant, I pray you, turn back again, that I may die in my own city, and be buried by the grave of my father and of my mother. But behold your servant Chimham, let him go over with my lord the king, and do to him what shall seem good to you.

David: You sure do talk a lot for someone who could drop dead at any moment. Fine. Chimham shall go over with me, and I will do to him that which shall seem good to you and whatsoever you shall require of me, that will I do for you. Give me a kiss and return to your place.

Chinham: Hey, we've reached Gilgal

David: Along with all the people of Judah, and also half the people of Israel.

All the men of Israel: Why have our brethren the men of Judah stolen you away, and have brought the king, and his household, and all David's men with him, over Jordan?

All the men of Judah: Because the king is near of kin to us, why then be you angry for this matter? Have we eaten at all of the king's cost? Or has he given us any gift?

Men of Israel: We have ten parts in the king, and we have also more right in David than you, why then did you despise us, that our advice should not be first had in bringing back our king?

All the men of Judah: Our words are fiercer than the words of the men of Israel. We win.

2 Samuel 18: Absalom is Killed By a Tree

2010-12-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

David: Okay, let's see, we have so many people, and i'll set set captains of thousands and captains of hundreds over them. Joab, your brother Abishai, son of Zeruiah, and Ittai the Gittite, each of you command 1/3 of the people.

Joab: You got it, David. you can count on us.

David: I will go forth with you myself also.

The people: No! you shall not go forth, for if we flee, they will not care, neither if half of us die, will they care, but you are worth ten thousand of us. Therefore, it is, better that you succour us out of the city.

David: What seems best to you, I will do. I'll just stand by the gate and see you off. Bye bye! Have fun killing everyone!

The people: We will.

David: Now, Joab, Abishai and Ittai, deal gently for my sake with the young man, even with Absalom.

The people: We heard that.

IN THE WOOD OF EPHRAIM

David's People: This looks like a good place to fight. Have at you!

People of Israel: Help! We're being smited!

David's People: Well, that was a great slaughter. We've killed 20,000 men. Not bad. However, the wood devoured more people today than the sword devoured.

Absalom: Yo!

Servants of David: Hey, it's Absalom!

Absalom: You there, what are you...whoah!

Servants of David: Ha! Absalom's ass went under the thick boughs of a great oak, and Absalom's head got caught by the oak! He's just hanging there! And apparently he's all by himself, with none of his men to help him. What a dumbass.

Absalom: Help! I'm stuck!

Certain man: Joab, I saw Absalom hanged in an oak.

Joab: You saw him? Why didn't you not him there to the ground? I would have given thee ten shekels of silver, and a girdle.

Certain Man: Joab, though I should receive a thousand shekels of silver in my hand, I would not put forth my hand against the king's son. I heard the king charged you, Abishai and Ittai, saying, "Beware that none touch the young man Absalom." Otherwise I should have wrought falsehood against my own life, for there is no matter hid from the king, and you yourself would have set yourself against me.

Joab: I may not tarry thus with you. I've got to go kill Absalom.

Absalom: Help!

Joab: Here, have these three darts, right in your heart!

Absalom: That's not helping.

Joab: No? Maybe my ten armor bearers can help.

Ten Armor bearers: Take that, and that and that.

Absalom: Not...help...ing. Arrrgghh.

Joab: Good. He's dead. Time to blow the trumpet and bring back the people from pursuing after Israel.

People: Hey, you killed Absalom.

Joab: Yes, cast his body into a great pit in the wood, and lay a very great heap of stones upon it.

Guy: Hey, did you know that Absalom in his lifetime had taken and reared up for himself a pillar, which is in the king's dale. He said, "I have no son to keep my name in remembrance" and he called the pillar after his own name, and it is called unto this day, Absalom's place.

Joab: I don't care.

Ahimaaz the son of Zadok: Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the Lord has avenged him of his enemies.

Joab: No. You shall not bear tidings this day, but you shall bear tidings another day. But this day you shall bear no tidings, because the king's son is dead. Cushi, go tell the king what you have seen. But not the dead son, thing.

Cushi: Will do.

Ahimaaz the son of Zadok: But howsoever, let me, I pray you, also run after Cushi.

Joab: Why will you run, my son, seeing that you have no tidings ready?

Ahimaaz: Still, let me run.

Joab: Fine. Run.

Ahimaaz: Ha! I'll run by the way of the plain, and overrun Cushi.

LATER

David: Man, this is tedious, just sitting between the two gates, waiting for news.

Watchman: I see a man running alone!

David: If he is alone, there is tidings in his mouth.

Watchman: I see anohter man running alone!

David: He must have news, too.

Watchman: I think the closest runner is Ahimaaz the son of Zadok.

David: Wow. You're good. Ahimaaz is a good man, and comes with good tidings.

Ahimaaz: All is well. Blessed be the Lord your God, which has delivered up the men that lifted up their hand against my lord the king.

DAvid: Is the young man Absalom safe?

Ahimaaz: Uh, well, when Joab sent the king's servant, and me, your servant, I saw a great tumult, but I don't know what it was.

David: Stand here.

Cushi: Tidings, my lord the king, for the Lord has avenged you this day of all them that rose up against you.

David: Cushi, is the young man Absalom safe?

Cushi: Well, let's just say that the enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against you to do you hurt, be as that young man is.

Ahimaaz: Nice way to say he's dead. You should write greeting cards.

David: I'm much moved. I think I'll go to my chamber over the gate, and weep. O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would God I had died for you, O Absalom, my son, my son!

Ahimaaz: Well, that went as well as could be expected, I think.

2 Samuel 17: Ahithophel, the Sensitive Fortune-Teller

2010-12-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

Ahithophel: Absalom, let me now choose out twelve thousand men, and I will arise and pursue after David this night. And I will come upon him while he is weary and weak handed, and will make him afraid. And all the people that are with him shall flee, and I will smite the king only, and I will bring back all the people to you. The man whom you seek is as if all returned, so all the people shall be in peace.

Absalom: This pleases me.

All the elders of Israel: And us as well.

Absalom: Call now Hushai the Archite also, and let us hear likewise what he says.

Hushai: You called?

Absalom: Ahithophel has spoken after this manner, shall we do after his saying? If not, speak you.

Hushai: Absalom, the counsel that Ahithophel has given is not good at this time, for you know your father and his men, that they be mighty men, and they be chafed in their minds, as a bear robbed of her whelps in the field, and your father is a man of war, and will not lodge with the people. Behold, he is hid now in some pit, or in some other place and it will come to pass, when some of them be overthrown at the first, that whosoever hears it will say, "There is a slaughter among the people that follow Absalom." And he also that is valiant, whose heart is as the heart of a lion, shall utterly melt, for all Israel knows that your father is a mighty man, and they which be with him are valiant men.

Absalom: You're starting to sound like you've got a thing for David.

Hushai: Just saying. Therefore I counsel that all Israel be generally gathered unto you, from Dan even to Beersheba, as the sand that is by the sea for multitude, and that you go to battle in your own person. So shall we come upon him in some place where he shall be found, and we will light upon him as the dew falls on the ground and of him and of all the men that are with him there shall not be left so much as one. Moreover, if he be gotten into a city, then shall all Israel bring ropes to that city, and we will draw it into the river, until there be not one small stone found there.

Absalom: The counsel of Hushai the Archite is better than the counsel of Ahithophel.

Lords of Isreal: We concur.

Absalom: For the Lord had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the Lord might bring evil upon Absalom.

Hushai: Zadok and Abiathar the priests, thus and thus did Ahithophel counsel Absalom and the elders of Israel and thus and thus have I counselled. Now therefore send quickly, and tell David, saying, "Lodge not this night in the plains of the wilderness, but speedily pass over, lest the king be swallowed up, and all the people that are with him."

Zadok and Abiathar: We'll send a wench to Jonathan and Ahimaaz to deliver the message to David! They're staying in Enrogel.

Huahai: Sounds like a plan.

LATER

Wench: So, that's what Zadok and Abiathar said. Now, go tell David.

Jonathan: We must leave immediately!

Wench: Care for a tumble first?

Ahimaaz: Yes, please!

Jonathan: No! Immediately!

Lad: Hi guys, what you doing?

Ahimaaz: Uh, nothing.

Lad: Okay. Bye, then.

Jonathan: Let's go!

Lad: Those two are up to something. I better go tell Absalom!

SOON

Ahimaaz: I think we're being followed.

Jonathan: Yes, I feel it, too. Look, we are at a man's house in Bahurim. It has a well in his court. We should hide there!

Woman: Hi! What you doing?

Jonathan: Trying to hide in your well.

Women: Is that a sexual euphemism?

Jonathan: No. We literally want to hide in your well.

Women: Aw, too bad. No one's tried to hide in my well for years. Go ahead. I'll spread a covering over the well's mouth, and spread ground corn over that. That will hide it.

Ahimaaz: Thank you. What can we do to repay you?

Women: I'll think of something.

LATER

Absalom's servants: Where is Ahimaaz and Jonathan?

Women: They be gone over the brook of water.

Absalom's servants: Liar! Men, search this place! Check it out, from top to bottom!

Women: Would you care to search me, from top to bottom? It's been years since I've been thoroughly "searched."

Absalom's servant. Uh, no thanks.

Absalom's other servants: They're not here.

absalom's servant: Fine. We better go back to Jerusalem.

Absalom's other servants: Uh, shouldn't we just cross the brook and continue the search on the other side?

Absalom's servant: No, I'd rather not.

Women: They're gone.

Jonathan: Thank you, you've been a great help.

Women: You're welcome.

LATER

Jonathan: David!

David: Jonathan, what's the matter?

Jonathan: David, arise, and pass quickly over the water, for Ahithophel has counselled against you.

David: I'll leave right now. People, arise, we flee immediately over the Jordan!

THE NEXT DAY

Ahithophel: So, they choose not to follow my counsel. The only thing to do now is to go home, put my affairs in order, and hang myself.

LATER

Messenger: Message for Absalom.

Absalom: Yes?

Messenger: Ahithophel has hanged himself because you did not follow his advice. Stop. Will be buried at the sepulchre of his father. Stop.

Absalom: What a dumbass. Well, I guess if he felt so strongly about it, I should follow his advice now. Men, saddle up! We go to attack David!

LATER

David: Well, here we are, in Mahanaim.

MEANWHILE

Absalom: We've passed over Jordan. Amasa, I'm making you captain of the host instead of Joab.

Amasa, (a man's son, whose name was Ithra an Israelite, that went in to Abigail the daughter of Nahash, sister to Zeruiah Joab's mother): Sweet.

Absalom: We will pitch in the land of Gilead.

MEANWHILE

David: We'll pitch in the land of Gilead.

Shobi the son of Nahash of Rabbah of the children of Ammon: Hi, David!

Machir the son of Ammiel of Lodebar: We're here!

Barzillai the Gileadite of Rogelim: And we brought stuff!

David: good to see yuo, guys. what did you bring?

Shobi: We've brought beds, basons, earthen vessels, wheat, barley, flour, parched corn, beans, lentiles, and parched pulse.

Machir: And honey, butter, sheep, and cheese of kine.

Barzillai: Because we know you and all the people with you are hungry, weary, and thirsty, in the wilderness.

David: Wow. You guys are the best.

2 Samuel 16: Concubines and Rape, Just Like God Intended

2010-12-12T05:03:00.000-08:00

David: Well, we're a a little past the top of the hill. And look, there's Ziba the servant of Mephibosheth.

Ziba: Hi David!

David: What have you got there?

Ziba: I got a couple of asses with saddles, two hundred loaves of bread, a hundred bunches of raisins, a hundred bunches of summer fruits, and a bottle of wine.

David: That's a lot of food. Why you got so much food?

Ziba: The asses are for the king's household to ride on, and the bread and summer fruit for the young men to eat. And the wine is in case anyone gets faint in the wilderness.

David: Well, that's awfully nice of you. Where is your master's son?

Ziba: He's still in Jerusalem. He said, "Today shall the house of Israel restore me the kingdom of my father."

David: You are all that pertained to Mephibosheth.

Ziba: I humbly ask you that I may find grace in your sight, my lord, O king.

David: Hey, look, we've reached Bahurim.

Shimei, the son of Gera, of the family of the house of Saul: Booo! Booo! You suuuck! Booo!

David: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words...hey! Stop throwing stones at us!

Shimei: Come out, come out, you bloody man, and you man of Belial! The Lord has returned upon you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead you have reigned, and the Lord has delivered the kingdom into the hand of Absalom your son. You are taken in your mischief, because you are a bloody man.

Abishai the son of Zeruiah: David, why should this dead dog curse my lord the king? Let me go over and take off his head.

David: What have I to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? So let him curse, because the Lord has said to him, "Curse David." Who shall then say, "Why have you done so?" Abishai, and to all your servants, Behold, my son, which came forth of my bowels, seeks my life, how much more now may this Benjamite do? Let him alone, and let him curse, for the Lord has bidden him.

Abishai: So, you think just because God allows him to curse you and not stop it, God wills it? So, anytime anyone does something, God's cool with it? Really, seems like God approves of a lot of murderers and rapists.

David: Besides, it may be that the Lord will look on my affliction, and that the Lord will requite me good for his cursing this day.

Abishai: If you say so.

Shimei: Boooo! Boooo! Worst king ever! Booo!

Abishai: Geeze, he's just going to keep following us, isn't he?

David: And throwing stones and dust. We might as well rest here a bit.

IN JERUSALEM

Absalom: We're back! To J town! The big city!

Ahithophel: Yes we are.

Hushai the Archite, (David's friend): Absalom, God save the king, God save the king.

Absalom: Hushai, is this your kindness to your friend? Why did you not go with your friend? Sounds a little fishy to me.

Hushai: I'm not a spy! I, uh, I mean, no, but whom the Lord, and this people, and all the men of Israel, choose, I will be his, and with him will I abide. And again, whom should I serve? Should I not serve in the presence of his son? As I have served in your father's presence, so will I be in your presence.

Absalom: I see. Ahithophel, give counsel as to what we shall do.

Ahithophel: Absalom, go into your father's concubines, which he has left to keep the house, and all Israel shall hear that you are abhorred of your father, then shall the hands of all that are with you be strong.

Absalom: Fuck my father's concubines? Gross. But a little kinky. I'll do it!

Ahithophel: And we'll spread a tent upon the top of the house so everyone in Israel can watch!

Absalom: Wow. That's hard-core! You are so wise, talking to you is like if a man had inquired at the oracle of God.

Ahithophel: Yes. Yes it is.

Back Next Week

2010-12-05T06:52:00.000-08:00

Too busy this week.

2 Samuel 15: Absalom's Long Term Plan comes to Fruition

2010-11-28T04:20:00.000-08:00

Absalom: It was nice of David to give me a job, after all I've done. Come men, all fifty of you, prepare your chariots and horses, and run before me. We've got to rise early and stand by the gate. When any man that has a controversy comes to the king for judgment, we call to him, and say, "Of what city are you?" It's an easy job. Look, our first customer.

Traveler: Hi, I've got to see David, I've got a controversy. Your servant is of one of the tribes of Israel.

Absalom: See, your matters are good and right, but there is no man deputed of the king to hear you.

Traveler: Oh, rats.

Absalom : Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which has any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice!

Traveler: That would be good.

Absalom: Here, let me give you a kiss.

Traveler: That's nice. If you do this to every one who comes to the king for judgement, you'll steal the hearts of the men of Israel.

Absalom: That's the plan.

FORTY YEARS LATER

Absalom: I didn't say it was a smart plan. David, I pray you, let me go and pay my vow, which I have vowed unto the Lord, in Hebron. For your servant vowed a vow while I abode at Geshur in Syria, saying, "If the Lord shall bring me again indeed to Jerusalem, then I will serve the Lord."

David: And it only took you forty years to keep your vow. Why the rush? Anyway, go in peace.

Absalom: And away I go.

LATER

Absalom: Little does David know, but I have sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, "As soon as you hear the sound of the trumpet, then you shall say, 'Absalom reigns in Hebron.' Two hundred men of Jerusalem, come with me.

200 Men: We're very simple, and don't know anything.

Absalom: That's why you're here. Messenger, go get Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's counsellor, from his city, even from Giloh, where he is offering sacrifices.

Servant: Okay.

Absalom: The conspiracy is strong, for the people increase continually with me. Mwa ha ha ha!

AT DAVID'S

Messenger: Message for David!

David: I'm David.

Messenger: The hearts of the men of Israel are after Absalom. Stop.

David: Really? Crap! Servants, arise, and let us flee, for we shall not escape from Absalom, make speed to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly, and bring evil upon us, and smite the city with the edge of the sword.

Messenger: Really? You're giving up just like that? Why not ask God to strike him down or something?

David: Oh, I'm sure he's too busy for that.

Servants: Behold, your servants are ready to do whatsoever my lord the king shall appoint.

David: Good. Let's go. With all my household. Concubines!

Concubines: Yes?

David: You stay here and take care of the house.

Concubines: All ten of us?

David: Yes.

Concubines: You're just trying to get rid of us, aren't you?

David: Heh, got me. Well, see you! Tally ho!

Concubines: Jerk.

David: Hey, you there, what are you doing?

Servants: We're passing you. Along with all the Cherethites, and all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites. Six hundred men that came after him from Gath.

David: Ittai the Gittite, Why are you also going with us? Return to your place, and abide with the king, for you are a stranger, and also an exile. Whereas you came but yesterday, should I this day make you go up and down with us? Seeing I go where I may, return, and take back your brethren, mercy and truth be with you.

Ittai: As the Lord lives, and as my lord the king lives, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will be your servant.

David: Ittai, go and pass over.

Ittai the Gittite: I will pass over, with all my men, and all the little ones that were with me.

Servant: Hear, that? All the country weeps with a loud voice, and all the people pass over.

David: Oh, look at this nice brook I'm crossing over.

Servant: That's the brook Kidron.

David: Nice.

Zadok: Hey, make some room!

David: Zadok and all the Levites are bearing the ark of the covenant of God. Zadok, carry back the ark of God into the city. If I shall find favour in the eyes of the Lord, he will bring me again, and show me both it, and his habitation: But if he thus say, 'I have no delight in you, behold, here am I, let him do to me as seems good to him."

Servant: You sure that's a good idea? I mean, doesn't it have magic power or soemthing? Maybe you should use it against Absalom.

David: No, but that gives me an idea. Zadok the priest, Aren't you a seer? Return into the city in peace, and your two sons with you, Ahimaaz your son, and Jonathan the son of Abiathar. See, I will tarry in the plain of the wilderness, until there come word from you to certify me.

Zadok: Well, okay. Abiathar carry the ark of God again to Jerusalem and tarry there.

Abiathat: Yeah, sure. Whatever.

David: Meanwhile, I'm going up mount Olivet.

Servant: To do what?

David: To cry like a little girl.

People: We'll cry with you.

Person: David, did you know that Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom.

David: Really? O Lord, I pray you, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness.

Person: Yeah, that will teach him.

Hushai the Archite: Hi.

David: Uh, hey, did you know that you've got dirt on your forehead? And your coat is all torn?

Hushai: Yes.

David: Well, okay. Just so you know, if you pass on with me, then you shall be a burden to me, but if you return to the city, and say to Absalom, "I will be your servant, O king, as I have been your father's servant hitherto, so will I now also be your servant," then you may defeat the counsel of Ahithophel for me. And have you not with you Zadok and Abiathar the priests? Therefore it shall be, that what thing whatsoever you shall hear out of the king's house, you shall tell it to Zadok and Abiathar the priests. Behold, they have there with them their two sons, Ahimaaz Zadok's son, and Jonathan Abiathar's son, and by them you shall send to me every thing that you can hear.

Hushai: Spy games. Could be fun. Okay, I'll go into the city, when Absalom comes into Jerusalem.

2 Samuel 14: Absalom Comes Home

2010-11-28T03:20:00.000-08:00

Joab the son of Zeruiah: I perceive that the king's heart is toward Absalom. I should do something about it. Tekoah, fetch a wise woman, and say to her, "I pray you, pretend to be a mourner, and put on mourning apparel, and don't anoint yourself with oil, but be as a woman that had a long time mourned for the dead. And go to the king, and speak on this manner to him."

Tamoah: Will do, Joab.

LATER, AT DAVID'S

Wise Women: Ooops!

David: Looks like you've fallen on your face.

Wise Women: Help, O king!

David: You've fallen and you can't get up?

Wise Women: No.

David: Then what ails you?

Wise Women: I am indeed a widow woman, and my husband is dead.

David: Yes, that is the definition of widow.

Wise Women: And your handmaid, that would be me, had two sons, and they two fought together in the field, and there was none to part them, but the one smote the other, and slew him.

David: Yes, similar to my own family. You may have heard.

Wise Women: And, behold, the whole family is risen against your handmaid, still me, and they said, "Deliver him that smote his brother, that we may kill him, for the life of his brother whom he slew, and we will destroy the heir also," and so they shall quench my coal which is left, and shall leave to my husband neither name nor remainder upon the earth.

David: Go to your house, and I will give orders concerning you.

Wise Woman: My lord, O king, the iniquity is on me, and on my father's house, and the king and his throne is guiltless.

King: I know. Anyway, whosoever says anything to you, bring him to me, and he shall not touch you anymore.

Wise Women: I pray you, let the king remember the Lord your God, that you would not suffer the revengers of blood to destroy any more, lest they destroy my son.

David: As the Lord lives, there shall not one hair of your son fall to the earth.

Wise Women: Let your handmaid, I pray you, speak one word to my lord the king.

David: Go on.

Wise Women: Why then have you thought such a thing against the people of God? For the king does speak this thing as one which is faulty, in that the king does not fetch home again his banished. For we must die, and are as water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again, neither does God respect any person, yet does he devise means, that his banished be not expelled from him. Now, therefore, that I am come to speak of this thing to my lord the king, it is because the people have made me afraid and your handmaid said, "I will now speak to the king, it may be that the king will perform the request of his handmaid. For the king will hear, to deliver his handmaid out of the hand of the man that would destroy me and my son together out of the inheritance of God.' Then your handmaid said, "The word of my lord the king shall now be comfortable, for as an angel of God, so is my lord the king to discern good and bad, therefore the Lord your God will be with you."

David: Hide not from me, I pray you, the thing that I shall ask you.

Wise Woman: Let my lord the king now speak.

Wise Women: Is not the hand of Joab with you in all this?

Wise Women: You got me. As your soul lives, my lord the king, none can turn to the right hand or to the left from anything that my lord the king has spoken, for your servant Joab, he bade me, and he put all these words in the mouth of your handmaid, to fetch about this form of speech has your servant Joab done this thing, and my lord is wise, according to the wisdom of an angel of God, to know all things that are in the earth.

David: Joab, Behold now, I have done this thing, go therefore, bring the young man Absalom again.

Joab: Ooops.

David: you've fallen on your face.

Joab: Stupid sandals. Thank you, David, today, your servant knows that I have found grace in your sight, my lord, O king, in that the king has fulfilled the request of his servant. I'll go to Geshur right now and bring Absalom back.

LATER

Joab: We're back!

David: Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face.

Joab: Okay. But you know that in all Israel there is none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty, from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there is no blemish in him.

David: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Joab: Well, that's not what God says, but, whatever.

TWO YEARS LATER

Joab: So, then, Absalom polled his head, for it was at every year's end that he polled it, because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it, he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight.

David: Ha! That's Absalom for you.

Joab: He's got three sons and a daughter now, Tamar. She is a woman of a fair countenance.

Messenger: Message for Joab.

Joab: Yes?

Messenger: Absalom asks that you come visit him. Stop.

Joab: No, thanks.

Messenger 2: Absalom requests you come visit him, again. Stop.

Joab: Tell him, I said no.

LATER

Absalom: So, he refuses to come see me? Servants, Joab's field is near mine, and he has barley there, go and set it on fire.

Absalom's servants: What fun!

LATER, AT ABSALOM'S HOME

Joab: Absalom, why have your servants set my field on fire?

Absalom: Behold, I sent to you, saying, "Come here, that I may send you to the king," to say, "Why am I come from Geshur? It had been good for me to have been there still, now therefore let me see the king's face, and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me."

Joab: For that you burn my fields? Fine, I'll tell him.

AT DAVID'S

Joab: So, that's what Absalom said. After he burned my fields.

David: Well, okay, I'll see for him.

LATER

Absalom: I bow to you.

David: Here, let me give you a kiss.

2 Samuel 13: Amnon Tries to Get With His Sister

2010-11-21T02:15:00.001-08:00

Amnon: Sigh.

Jonadab: Hey, Amnon, why the long face?

Amon: I am vexed.

Jonabad: From what?

Amnon: Well, as you know, Absalom, is my brother.

Jonabad: Right, both of you are sons of David.

Amnon: And he has a fair sister, Tamar.

Jonabad: Who would be your sister, too, right?

Amnon: Um, yeah. Anyway, I got the hots for her.

Jonabad: What?

Amnon: I got the hots for Tamar, my sister. But it's hard for him to do any thing to her.

Jonabad: It should be, she's your sister.

Amnon: And she's a virgin. So, what should I do?

Jonabad: Well, you know I'm a subtle guy. And the son of Shimeah, David's brother. So, make yourself sick, then lay down in bed. When your father comes to see you, say to him, "I pray you, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand."

Amnon: Why would I want to see her dress meat?

Jonabad: Just do it.

LATER

David: Not feeling well, son.

Amnon: No pappa. I pray you, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.

David: Why make her make it here? She can just make it at home and bring them to you.

Amnon: Um, I'm a stickler for food safety?

David: I see. Well, sounds on the up and up to me. I'll go send for her immediately.

LATER

Tamar: Amnon?

Amnon: Here I am.

Tamar: So, you want me to make cakes here?

Amnon: Yes, please. But knead the flour...slowly.

Tamar: Here you go.

Amnon: I don't want it.

Tamar: Why not? You watched me make them. You know it's good.

Amnon: It's not that. There's too many men around. Send them all away!

Men: Okay, weirdo.

Tamar: There all gone.

Amnon: Good. Now, bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of your hand.

Tamar: Here you go, some more cakes.

Amnon: Got you!

Tamar: Why did you grab me?

Amnon: Come lie with me, my sister.

Tamar: Nay, my brother, do not force me, for no such thing ought to be done in Israel, do not thou this folly. And I, where shall I cause my shame to go? And as for you, you shall be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray you, speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.

Amnon: Wait, you don't have any problem with your brother wanting to sleep with you, you just have a problem with your brother sleeping with you, without first getting the king's permission?

Tamar: Sure. Why should we not do that?

Amnon: Um, no, but I can't wait for the king's permission, I'm taking you now!

Tamar: Nooo!

30 SECONDS LATER

Amnon: Well, now that I've raped you, I hate you exceedingly. The hatred for you is greater than my love for you.

Tamar: Funny how that works.

Amnon: Arise, be gone.

Tamar: There is no cause. This evil in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.

Amnon: Wow. Being sent away is worse than being raped by your brother? You are weird. Servant, put this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.

Servant: Here, get out of here, you, with your garment of divers colors, for with such robes are the king's daughters that are virgins apparelled. Out!

Tamar: Oh, woe is me. I shall put ashes on my forehead and rend my garment of divers colors and weep.

Absalom: Hey, sis, has Amnon your brother been with you? But hold now your peace, my sister, he is your brother, regard not this thing.

Tamar: You know, our family is so screwed up. I will remain desolate in your house.

Absalom: that's a good girl.

LATER

David: My son raped his own sister, then threw her out? I am very wroth.

Absalom: Yes, it's terrible. I hate Amnon, because he has raped his sister Tamar. But I will speak neither good or bad of him.

David: Well, then I'm just going to let things work themselves out.

TWO FULL YEARS LATER

Absalom: Well, King David, I have sheepshearers in Baalhazor, which is beside Ephraim. Behold now, your servant has sheepshearers, let the king, I beseech you, and his servants go with your servant.

David: Nay, my son, let us not all now go, lest we be chargeable to you.

Absalom: Pretty please?

David: No, but you have my blessing.

Absalom: If not, I pray you, let my brother Amnon go with us.

David: Why should he go with you?

Absalom: Pretty, pretty please?

David: Fine, Amnon and all the king's sons can go with you.

Absalom: Excellent.

LATER

Absalom: Servant, when Amnon is drunk with wine, and when I say to you, smite him and kill him. Fear not, have not I commanded you? Be courageous, and be valiant.

Servants: Will do. Have at you!

King's sons: Run away! Get to your mules and flee!

AT DAVID'S PLACE

Messenger: Message for David, King David!

David: Yes, you have a message?

Messenger: Absalom has slain all the king's sons. Stop. There is not one of them left. Stop.

David: Noooooo! Not all my sons!

Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother: Now, let's not be too hasty. Let not my lord suppose that they have slain all the king's sons, for Amnon only is dead, for by the appointment of Absalom this has been determined from the day that he forced his sister Tamar. Now therefore let not my lord the king take the thing to his heart, to think that all the king's sons are dead, for Amnon only is dead.

David: Well, that's much better. I never liked him after he raped his sister. I suppose I should have done something about it myself. Oh well.

34 But Absalom fled. And the young man that kept the watch lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came much people by the way of the hill side behind him.

Jonadab: Behold, the king's sons come, as your servant said, so it is.

David: I'm so happy, I think I'm going to cry. So, where is Absalom, now?

Messenger: He's fled to Talmai, the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur.

David: Well, I'll mourn for my son everyday.

THREE YEARS LATER

David: Hey, is Absalom still in Geshur?

Servant: Yep.

David: I long to forth to Absalom, and am comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he is dead.

Servant: Yep, still dead.

2 Samuel 12: Nathan School's David, God Kills a Baby

2010-11-21T02:15:00.000-08:00

Nathan: David, God sent me.

David: Why doesn't he just talk to me himself? He's talked to other kings directly. Why not me? What's wrong with me?

Nathan: That's what I've come to talk about. Listen, I have a little story.

David: I like stories.

Nathan. Good. There were two men in one city, one rich, and the other poor. The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds...

David: Makes sense, that is the definition of rich.

Nathan: But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb...

David: That is poor.

Nathan: Which he had bought and nourished up, and it grew up together with him, and with his children, it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.

David: Weird. And kinky.

Nathan: And there came a traveler to the rich man, and the rich man, instead of taking of his own flock and of his own herd to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him, took the poor man's lamb, and dressed it for the man that had come to him.

David: What! That's outrageous! Is this a true story? I thought it was just a story, especially when you got to the poor guy treating his lamb like a daughter. That was freaky. But, still, the man that has done this thing shall surely die, and he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity. Um, but not in that order. Because dead men restore no lambs.

Nathan: Ah ha! Got you! It was a fake story!

David: I thought so!

Nathan: It was just a parable to tell you that you are the rich man who stole the poor man's lamb!

David: Why you sneaky bastard! Good show!

Nathan: Thus says the Lord God of Israel, "I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul, and I gave you your master's house, and your master's wives into your bosom, and gave you the house of Israel and of Judah, and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given to you such and such things."

David: I love such and such things, too.

Nathan: Why have you despised the commandment of the Lord, to do evil in his sight? You have killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and have taken his wife to be your wife, and have slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.

David: You know about that, huh?

Nathan: Now therefore the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me, and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.

David: Hmmm. Worth it.

Nathan: Thus says the Lord, "Behold, I will raise up evil against you out of your own house, and I will take your wives before your eyes, and give them to your neighbour, and he shall lie with your wives in the sight of this sun..."

David: Take my wives...please!

Nathan: "For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun." That's it. That what God told me to tell you.

David: I have sinned against the Lord.

Nathan: Yes, we know. The Lord also has put away your sin, you shall not die.

David: That's a relief.

Nathan: Nontheless, because by this deed you have given great occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme, the child also that is born to you shall surely die.

David: Hey! That's not fair! It's just an innocent baby! He did nothing wrong! That's not justice!

Nathan: God's like that. Do something to piss him off, he'll kill your kid. Goodbye.

David: Well, maybe God was just bluffing...

God: And...SMITE!

Servant: David, the child of Uriah's wife is very sick.

David: Please, God, spare the child, I'll fast and sleep in the dirt, I'll do anything, just spare the innocent baby!

Tom Crow: What do you think?

God: I'll think about it.

SEVEN DAYS LATER

God: I've thought about it. I'm going to kill the kid.

Tom Crow: Really? Or where you going to kill the kid anyway but just let him suffer for the last seven days so you could watch David debase himself?

God: Heh. You know me so well. SMITE!

Servant one: He's dead. So, who's going to tell David?

Servant two: Not me. While the child was alive, we spoke to him, and he would not listen to our voice. How will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?

David: Hey, servants, what are you whispering about? The child is dead, isn't he? God's killed him.

Servants: He is dead.

David: Well, no use lying in the dirt anymore. I better go clean myself up, change my cloths and go to the house of the Lord to worship him. Then, I'll have a little nosh.

Servant: Really, David? God just killed your child, after seven days of lingering illness, and you're going to still worship him?

David: Well, it's only because I had a man killed to get his wife. So, that's fair, right? If a man commits a murder, you kill his kid, right? That's justice. Right?

Servants: No. That's not. This whole thing makes no sense. You fasted and wept for the child, while he was alive, but when the child is dead, you rise and eat bread.

David: While the child was alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, "Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live?" But now he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

Servant: Well, God could bring him back. I mean, he is all powerful.

David: No. I've got a better idea. I'll just make a new son. Bathsheba, come here, I want to make a new baby to replace the baby God just killed because I killed your husband to get you! Let me comfort you, with my penis!

Bathsheba: Okay!

Servant: This is sick.

NINE MONTHS LATER

Bathsheba: We'll call this one Solomon.

God: I love this one! I hope I don't kill him!

Messenger: News for David, from Joab!

David: Here I am, shoot!

Messenger: David, we have fought against Rabbah of the children of Ammon, and took the royal city, the city of waters. Stop. Now, therefore gather the rest of the people together, and encamp against the city, and take it, lest I take the city, and it be called after my name. Stop.

David: Hear that, men! Let's go!

LATER, AT RABBAH

David: Whew! What a fight. Bring me the king.

King of Rabbah: You murderous invader.

David: Yoink! Got your crown!

King of Rabbah: I hate you.

David: This thing must be a talent of gold with the precious stones. Looks great on me, don't you think?

King of Rabbah: I hope you contract a vile disease.

David: Spoilsport. Hey, that reminds me! Bring forth the spoil of the city in great abundance! And put the people under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and make them pass through the brickkiln. Do the same to all the cities of the children of Ammon. Then, we'll return to Jerusalem.

Soldier: He really has a way with the people, don't you think?

2 Samuel 11: David Cheats on his Wives, Kills the Man He Cuckolded, and Makes God Mad

2010-11-14T04:49:00.000-08:00

David: Hey, Joab, it's been about a year since our last battle, huh?

Joab: I do believe that's right.

David: Well, take all Israel and go destroy the Children of Ammon, and besiege Rabbah.

Joab: Okay. You going to come along.

David: No, I think I'll stay here in Jerusalem.

Joab: Suit yourself.

THAT EVENING

David: Huh, I can't sleep, I think I'll go for a walk on the roof. Oh, hey, look at that. Some hotty is washing herself. Niiiice. Hey, servant, who is that?

Servant: Oh, that's Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite.

David: Messenger, go get her.

Bathsheba: Hi!

David: I want you, right here, right now.

Bathsheba: But I'm married.

David: So am I. Like to a dozen women. Now, take your clothes off and let's get it on.

Bathsheba: Okay.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER

David: Okay, I'm done. You can go back home now.

Bathsheba: Okay.

David: It's good to be king.

LATER

Messenger: I have a message for King David.

David: I'm David.

Messenger: David, I'm pregnant. Bathsheba.

David: Crap. Joab, Send me Uriah the Hittite.

Joab: Okay.

LATER

Uriah: Hello? You asked for me?

David: Yes. Tell me, how Joab is doing, and how the people are doing, and how the war prospers.

Uriah: They're good?

David: Good, go down to your house, and wash your feet.

Uriah: Okay, I guess. Bye.

David: Perfect. Servant, send him a mess of meat, from me.

Servant: That might be a problem. Seems Uriah is sleeping at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and not going down to his house.

David: What the hell is his problem? He's got a hot wife and he's not going to go screw here? Uriah, come here.

Uriah: Yes?

David: Came you not from your journey? Why then did you not go down unto your house?

Uriah: The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents, and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields, shall I then go into my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.

David: Uriah, tarry here today also, and tomorrow I will let you depart.

Uriah: Okay.

LATER

David: Uriah, come here. Eat and drink with me.

Uriah: Okay.

David: Well, time to go home.

Uriah: I think I'll just go sleep with the servants of his lord.

David: You're an idiot.

THE NEXT MORNING

David: Well, I've tried everything, but that idiot won't go home and sleep with his wife. Which means, when she turns up preggers, the jig will be up. I better get rid of him. Uriah, take this note to Joab.

Uriah: Okay.

Joab: What's this? A letter from David saying, Set Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire you from him, that he may be smitten, and die.

Uriah: What?

Joab: Did I read that out loud? Uh, never you mind, Uriah. Hey, I've got just the place for a man of your talents. Go over there.

Uriah: Okay. Is this good?

Joab: Little to your left.

Uriah: Here?

Joab: Little more.

Uriah: How's thi...arrrrrrgh!

Joab: Perfect. One dead Uriah. Messenger, go tell David how the war goes. And if the king gets mad, and he asks you, "Why do you approach so near to the city when you did fight? Didn't you know that they would shoot from the wall? Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? Did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? Why went you near the wall?" Then you say, "Your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also."

Mesenger: Okay.

AT DAVID's

Messenger: So, that's how it goes. We got shot at by the walls, lost a few men and Uriah the Hittite is dead.

David: Okay, now, you shall tell Joab, "Let not this thing displease you, for the sword devours one as well as another. Make your battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it, and encourage you him."

Messenger: Okay.

Bathsheba: Oh no! My husband has been killed. Woe is me!

David: Well, mourning is over. Want to come live with me and be my wife? Seeing as you are having my kid.

Bathsheba: Sure. It's going to be a boy.

God: This displeases me.

Tom Crow: Yes, David is being a real shit. And it's all your fault, too.

God: What?

Tom Crow: Sure, if you hadn't made Bathsheba get pregnant, there would have been no reason for David to kill Uriah. And since you are God, you had to know letting Bathsheba get pregnant would directly lead to Uriah's death. Or you could have just made it so the humans don't get pregnant "by accident." Would save a lot of grief.

God: I must have been distracted by Bathsheba's assets.

Tom Crow: Better luck next time.

2 Samuel 10: Syrians Get a Taste

2010-11-14T03:49:00.000-08:00

King of the children of Ammon: Arrrrggh.

Hanun, his son: He's dead. I call dibs! I'm the new king! Wahoo!

David: I will show kindness to Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father showed kindness to me. Comfortors!

Comfortors: This is a job?

David: Apparently. Go into the land of the children of Ammon and give comfort to Ammon.

Comfortors: Will do.

IN AMMON

Princes of the children of Ammon: Hanun, our lord, we are suspicious. Do you think that possible David does honor your father, that he has sent comforters to you? Or has not David sent his servants to you, to search the city, and to spy it out, and to overthrow it?

Hanun: Hmmm. Yes, it could be. I mean, given his past history, David has shown himself to be a bit of a bully and a brute to his neighbors. Take David's servants, and shave off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and send them away.

Princes of the children of Ammon: Yes, that will show him...something.

AT DAVID'S

David: They did what?!?

Messenger: Shaved their beards and cut their clothes. Yep. They're quite embarrassed.

David: And bare assed. Tell them to wait in Jericho until your beards are grown, and then return.

The children of Ammon: Boy, do we stink before David. We better do something.

Hanun: I know. We'll hire the Syrians of Bethrehob, and the Syrians of Zoba, twenty thousand footmen, and of king Maacah a thousand men, and of Ishtob twelve thousand men. They will protect us.

AT DAVID'S

David: They hired who!?!

Messenger: Forty-one thousand Syrians.

David: Well, send Joab, and all the host of the mighty men. They'll know what to do.

Messenger: Kill a lot of people?

David: Probably.

Messenger: You know, maybe, to avoid unnecessary bloodshed, we might want to ask Hanun what he was thinking by cutting our men's beards and clothes? I mean, his father just died. Maybe he's not all together in his head.

David: Nah. Where's the fun in that.

SOON

Joab: We're here, men. Situation report!

Soldier: The children of Ammon have come out, and put the battle in array at the entrance of the gate. The Syrians of Zoba, Rehob, Ishtob, and Maacah, are by themselves in the field.

Joab: That's bad. We have to divide our forces and fight on two fronts. All the choice men of Israel, array yourselves against the Syrians. Abishai, my brother, take everyone else and array them against the children of Ammon. If the Syrians are too strong for me, then you shall help me, but if the children of Ammon are too strong for you, then I will come and help you.

Abishai: and if they are both the Syrians and the Ammonites are too strong for both of us?

Joab: We're screwed. Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people, and for the cities of our God, and the Lord do that which seems good to him. Now, charge!

Syrians: Run away! Run away!

Joab: That was easier than I expected.

Children of Ammon: they Syrians are fleeing!

Abisai: guess it's my turn. Men, charge!

Children of Ammon: Run away! Run away!

Abisai: Get back here you cowards! Open up your city and take your smiting like a man!

Joab: Well, huh, this is unusual. Hope they kept a receipt for Syrian's services. We better go back to Jerusalem. Nothing more we can do here.

MEANWHILE, IN SYRIA

Syrians: We've been smitten before Israel. How embarrassing. What should we do now?

Hadarezer: We better bring out the Syrians that are beyond the river. There's going to be trouble. Shobach, captain of the host of Hadarezer, go get them.

Shobach: Be right back.

AT DAVID'S

David: So, he's getting all the Syrians together. Two can play that game. Gather all Israel together. We'll pass over Jordan, and go to Helam.

LATER

Syrians: Well, there's David. Men, set yours selves in array against David, and get ready to fight. And one, and two and three and...run away!

David: Son of a bitch. Kill them, men. Kill them!

Soldier: We've killed seven hundred chariot men of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and smote Shobach the captain of their host. He's dead.

David: Excellent.

All the kings that are servants to Hadarezer: The Syrians are smitten before Israel. We better make peace with Israel, and serve them.

Syrians: Az for us, we afraid to ever help the children of Ammon any more.

No Post This Week

2010-11-07T15:14:00.001-08:00

Real life interfered.

2 Samuel 9: David Meets Mephibosheth

2010-10-31T02:23:00.000-07:00

David: Hey, guys, quick question, is there yet any that is left of the house of Saul, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan's sake?

Men: Uh, we don't know. Maybe we should ask Ziba. He used to be a servant in Saul's house. He might know.

David: Good. go get him.

LATER

David: And you are Ziba?

Ziba: Your servant is he.

David: Excellent! Now, is there not yet any of the house of Saul, that I may show the kindness of God to him?

Ziba: Well, Jonathan had a son. He's lame in his feet.

David: Where is he?

Ziba: Behold, he is in the house of Machir, the son of Ammiel, in Lodebar.

David: Messenger, you hear that?

Messenger: Yes?

David: Go get him.

Messenger: What if he doesn't want to come?

David: And that should matter to me, why?

Messenger: Be right back.

LATER

Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul: Oh, David! I do yo reverence by falling on my face.

David: Mephibosheth.

Mephibosheth: Behold your servant!

David: Fear not, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your father's sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your father, and you shall eat bread at my table continually.

Mephibosheth: What is your servant, that you should look upon such a dead dog as I am?

David: Ziba, Saul's servant, I have given to your master's son all that pertains to Saul and to all his house. You therefore, and your sons, and your servants, shall till the land for him, and you shall bring in the fruits, that your master's son may have food to eat, but Mephibosheth your master's son shall eat bread always at my table.

Ziba: I have fifteen sons and twenty servants.

David: Good.

Ziba: According to all that my lord the king has commanded his servant, so shall your servant do.

David: Thought so. And, Mephibosheth, you shall eat at my table, as one of the king's sons.

Mephibosheth: Okay. By the way, I have a young son, whose name is Micha. we will dwell in Jerusalem and eat continually at the king's table. And be lame on both my feet.

David: Maybe I can get God to fix that for you?

Mephibosheth: Yeah, for some reason I doubt that will happen.

2 Samuel 8: David: Lord of War

2010-10-31T02:22:00.000-07:00

David: Well, we've smote the Philistines and taken Methegammah from them.

People: Yay!

David: Now, let's get the Moabites!

People: Yay!

LATER AT MOAB

David: We smote you! We smote you!

Moabites: We give!

David: Not so fast. I still want to do some killing.

Moabites: All of us?

David: No, not all of you. Hey! I got an idea. I'm going to kill everyone who is even with the two lines measured and going to let live everyone who is even with one full line.

Moabites: That's...something.

David: So, kill you, and you, and you, leave you alive, and you, say, this is fun! Okay, anyone I didn't kill, you've become my servants. Now, bring me gifts.

Moabites: Sure. Do you want your pile shit wrapped or boxed?

LATER

David: Have at you, Hadadezer, the son of Rehob, king of Zobah.

Hadadezer: Arrrggh!

David: That will teach you to try to recover your border at the river Euphrates. And I'll be taking a thousand chariots, seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen, as well. Seeing as you won't be needing them. Men, hough all but a hundred of the chariot horses.

Messenger: Hough? What does that mean?

David: Whatever it means, it not good for the horse.

LATER

Syrians of Damascus: Wow. Did you hear that David being a right prick to Hadadezer king of Zobah. Let's go help him.

David: Help Hadadezer? Have at you!

Syrians: Son of a bitch! He's slain 22,000 of us! Run away!

David: Syrians, I will put garrisons in Syria of Damascus and make the you become my servants, now, bring me gifts!

Syrians: Gifts? Sure. We make a great soup. You'll love its "secret ingredients."

David: I can't wait to try it. Man, take the shields of gold that one on the servants of Hadadezer, and bring them to Jerusalem. And from Betah, and from Berothai, cities of Hadadezer, take a lot of brass.

Men: Will do.

ELSEWHERE

Toi king of Hamath: David has smitten all the host of Hadadezer. Joram, my son, go to king David, salute him, and bless him, because he has fought against Hadadezer, and smitten him, for Hadadezer had wars with Toi. And bring with you vessels of silver, gold, and brass.

Joram: Will do, dad.

LATER

Joram: Here you go.

David: Nice. I dedicate unto the Lord, with the silver and gold that I had taken from all the nations I've subdued.

Joram: We really don't care. Just don't attack us.

David: I won't. For now. MEn, let's take over Edom, now. You know the drill. Put in Garrisons, make everyone my servants. Get me gifts. The usual.

Men: Right.

LATER

David: Well, now I reign over all Israel. I'll execute judgment and justice to all my people. Joab the son of Zeruiah, you are over the host, Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud you'll be my recorder, Zadok the son of Ahitub, and Ahimelech the son of Abiathar, you are the priests, Seraiah, you are the the scribe, Benaiah, the son of Jehoiada, you are over both the Cherethites and the Pelethites, and my sons are chief rulers. Any questions?

Men: No.

2 Samuel 7: David Can't Shut up

2010-10-24T04:59:00.000-07:00

David: This is nice. The Lord has given me rest from my enemies. Nathan, the prophet, come here.

Nathan: Yes?

David: See now, I dwell in an house of cedar, but the ark of God dwells within curtains.

Nathan: Go, do all that is in your heart, for the Lord is with you.

David: In my heart? About 20 servant girls. I'll go do them right now.

Nathan: Manwhore.

LATER THAT NIGHT

God: Nathan!

Nathan: Is that you, God?

God: Yes, now, go and tell my servant David, the Lord say, "Shall you build me a house for me to dwell in? I have not dwelt in any house since the time that I brought up the children of Israel out of Egypt, even to this day, but have walked in a tent and in a tabernacle. In all the places wherein I have walked, with all the children of Israel, spoke I a word with any of the tribes of Israel, whom I commanded to feed my people Israel, saying, 'Why don't you build me an house of cedar?'"

Nathan: So, you don't want a house?

God: Now therefore so shall you say unto my servant David, "Thus says the Lord of hosts, I took you from the sheepcote, from following the sheep, to be ruler over my people, over Israel, and I was with you where ever you went, and have cut off all your enemies out of your sight, and have made you a great name, like the name of the great men that are in the earth."

Nathan: Simple, question, do you want a house or not?

God: Moreover I will appoint a place for my people Israel, and will plant them, that they may dwell in a place of their own, and move no more, neither shall the children of wickedness afflict them any more. And as since the time that I commanded judges to be over my people Israel, and have caused you to rest from all your enemies. Also the Lord tells you that he will make you a house. And when your days be fulfilled, and you shall sleep with your fathers, I will set up your seed after you, which shall proceed out of your bowels, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build an house for my name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom for ever.

Nathan: So, you want a house, but not now?

God: Yes. I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men, but my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before you. And your house and your kingdom shall be established for ever before you, your throne shall be established for ever. Any questions?

Nathan: Yes, why don't you just tell David yourself? You've talked to him before. And this is a very complicated message, which I neglected to write down, because you woke me in the middle of the night, and I don't have a pencil on me.

God: Ummm, goodbye.

Nathan: I hate being a prophet.

THE NEXT DAY

Nathan: ...Established forever.

David: Geeze, he could have just told me, personally. In fact, I'll go talk to him myself, to make sure you didn't miss anything.

Nathan: Knock yourself out.

David: Lord, who am I, O Lord God? And what is my house, that you have brought me hitherto? And this was yet a small thing in your sight, O Lord God, but you have spoken also of your servant's house for a great while to come. And is this the manner of man, O Lord God? And what can David say more to you? For you, Lord God, know your servant. For your word's sake, and according to your own heart, have you done all these great things, to make you servant know them.

God: See?! This is why I don't talk to him.

Nathan: I understand.

David: Wherefore you are great, O Lord God, for there is none like you, neither is there any God beside you, according to all that we have heard with our ears. And what one nation in the earth is like your people, even like Israel, whom God went to redeem for a people to himself, and to make him a name, and to do for you great things and terrible, for your land, before your people, which you redeemed to you from Egypt, from the nations and their gods? For you have confirmed to yourself your people Israel to be a people unto you forever, and you, Lord, are become their God.

God: Just a simple little message. And he has to go into a history lesson.

David: And now, O Lord God, the word that you have spoken concerning your servant, and concerning his house, establish it for ever, and do as you have said. And let your name be magnified for ever, saying, The Lord of hosts is the God over Israel, and let the house of your servant David be established before you. For you, O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, has revealed to your servant, saying, "I will build you an house," therefore have your servant found in his heart to pray this prayer unto you. And now, O Lord God, you are that God, and your words be true, and you have promised this goodness to your servant, therefore now let it please you to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever before you, for you, O Lord God, has spoken it, and with you blessing let the house of your servant be blessed forever.

God: Nathan, remind me, I never want to talk to him again.

Nathan: I make a note of it, Lord.

2 Samuel 6: David Fetches the Ark, Screws Around

2010-10-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

David: Hey, men, come here.

Men: Yes?

David: Wow! There sure are a lot of you.

Men: Yes, 30,000, we think. We keep losing count.

David: Good enough. We're going to get the Ark of God from Baale of Judah.

Men: Really? And we need 30,000 men to do that?

David: And a cart. I hear it's pretty heavy.

LATER, IN GIBEAH

Custodian of Ark, house of Abinadab: Sign here, and here, initial here, sign there, and...we're done.

David: Excellent. Put in on the cart, Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, you drive the new cart.

Uzzah: I call driving!

Ahio: Shoot. Too slow. Fine, I'll walk in front of the cart.

David: Meanwhile, me and all the house of Israel will play before the Lord on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals.

Ahio: You do that.

Uzzah: Next stop, Nachon's threshingfloor.

Ahio: Careful, the ground is uneven here. Look out! You're shaking the Ark.

Uzzah: No problem, I'll just steady it with my hand here....

God: That's a smiting!

Uzzah: AAAAAGH!

Ahio: Good God! God smote him!

David: Yes, for putting his hand on the Ark. God's a real dick that way. It displeases me, that God is such a dick. I'll call this place Perezuzzah. Which I think menas, "the place God acted like a dick." Now, I'm afraid of the Lord, how shall the ark of the Lord come to me?

Ahio: Let's leave it someplace.

David: I know, give it to the house of Obededom the Gittite.

THREE MONTHS LATER

Obededom the Gittite: Yes?

David: Delivery. Someone order an Ark?

Obededom: I don't remember ordering an Ark. Maybe the wife did. Well, bring it in.

God: I will bless the house of Obededom, and all that pertains to him, because of the ark of God. But if anyone touches it, ZAP!

David: Oh, well, if God is going to bless you, I want the Ark back. Men, take it the city of David with gladness.

Obededom: Well, easy come, easy go.

David: Wait, you bearers of the Ark have gone six paces. Time to sacrifice oxen and fatlings. And dance before the Lord with all my might! Bring me a linen ephod.

Servant: Here you go.

David: Excellent. Hey, look, we're back at my city. And everyone is shouting, they're so happy.

Michal, Saul's Daughter: Look at David. Leaping and dancing before the Lord. How I hate him.

David: Just place it over there, in the midst of the tabernacle. Time to offer burnt offerings and peace offerings before the Lord. I bless everyone in the name of the Lord. Now, who wants a piece of cake, some good flesh, and wine.

People: We do.

David: You get a piece of bread, meat and wine, you get a piece, everyone gets a piece, even the women.

People: Yay! Now, let's go home.

David: Whew. Glad that's over.

Michal the daughter of Saul: How glorious was the king of Israel today, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!

David: It was before the Lord, which chose me before your father, and before all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the Lord, over Israel, therefore will I play before the Lord. And I will yet be more vile than this, and will be base in mine own sight and of the maidservants which you have spoken of, I shall screw in honor.

Michal the daughter of Saul: Manwhore. I'll have no child unto the day of my death.

David: That will teach me.

2 Samuel 5: David Made King, Takes More Wives, Kills Some People

2010-10-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

IN HEBRON

All the tribes of Israel: Hi, David!

David: Geeze, there are sure a lot of you

All the Tribes: Behold, we are your bone and your flesh. Also in time past, when Saul was king over us, you was he that led out and brought in Israel, and the Lord said to you, "You shall feed my people Israel, and you shall be a captain over Israel."

David: Yes?

Elders of Israel: So, we've come to you to make you king. What do you say?

David: Sure, I'll make a league with you.

Elders: Great! We anoint you, David, king over Israel.

David: And I'm thirty years old.

God: And you'll rule forty years. Yep, you'll reign over Judah seven years and six months, and in Jerusalem you will reign thirty and three years over all Israel and Judah.

David: Anyone hear anything?

Servants: Nope.

David: Must be my imagination.

David: Okay. Well, men, let's go see the Jebusities in Jerusalem.

LATER

Jebusites: Except you take away the blind and the lame, you shalt not come in here.

David: Wat does that mean?

Jebusites: We're thinking, you cannot come in hither.

David: We'll see about that!

Jebusites: Golly, are our faces red. You've taken the strong hold of Zion, the same is the city of David.

David: Yep. Whosoever gets up to the gutter, and smites the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind, that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain. Therefore, the blind and the lame shall not come into the house.

Jebusites: That's cold.

David: I think I'll dwell in the fort, and call it the city of David. And we build round about from Millo and inward.

God of hosts: David is growing strong. I think I'll be with him.

IN TYRE

Hiram king of Tyre: Messengers, go to David, and bring cedar trees, and carpenters, and masons and they build David a house.

AT DAVID'S PLACE

David: I perceive that the Lord has established me king over Israel, and that he has exalted his kingdom for his people Israel's sake. I feel like I need more wives! And concubines!

Servants: Yes, sir! Right away!

NINE MONTHS LATER

Servant: So, David's children are Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada, and Eliphalet.

Messenger: What a manwhore.

MEANWHILE

Philistines: So, David is king over Israel. Let's go get him.

AT DAVID'S

Messenger: So, they are seeking you, and I don't think it's to hold hands.

David: Great! Down to the hold.

Philistines: Men, let's stop here, in the valley of Rephaim. Spread out!

David: God, are you there, it's me, David. Shall I go up to the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hand?

God: Go up, for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into your hand.

David: Awesome! Come men, to Baalperazim! Smite them good, men!

Men: We are!

David: The Lord has broken forth upon my enemies before me, as the breach of waters. Therefore I call the name of this place Baalperazim.

David's men: Yaay!

David: Look, they left their images! Let's burn them!

Philistines: We aren't licked yet! Men, spread out in the valley of Rephaim.

David: Lords, you shall not go up, but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees. And let it be, when you hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then you shall bestir yourself, for then shall the Lord go out before you, to smite the host of the Philistines.

Men: Okay

David: Good job, I did as the Lord commanded me, and we smote the Philistines from Geba until you come to Gazer.

2 Samuel 4: Ishbosheth Killed, David Kills the Murderers

2010-10-17T04:11:00.000-07:00

Ishbosheth: So, Abner is dead in Hebron. It makes my hands feeble.

All of Israelites: We're troubled, too.

MEANWHILE

Baanah, son of Rimmon a Beerothite: We better get the heck out of here.

Rechab, son of Rimmon a Beerothite, of the children of Benjamin: To Gittaim!

ELSEWHERE

Nurse of Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, Saul's grandson: I wonder what's the news of the day? Oh dear! Both Saul and Johnathan are dead in Jezreel. We better get out of here! Oops! Butter-fingers!

Mephibosheth: Owww! I think I'm lame!

Nurse: Yeah, considering who your family is, you were pretty much lame to begin with.

LATER

Rechab: Well, that was a nice trip.

Baanah: Yes, now we're back at the house of Ishbosheth.

Rechab: To kill him.

Baanah: Awww, he's sleeping. So nice and peaceful.

Rechab: It's noon, little late, huh?

Baanah: Yes, well, no use prolonging things. Heyah! Right in the fifth rib!

Rechab: Don't forget to take his head.

Banaah: Got it! Off and away! To Hebron.

IN HEBRON

Rechab: David, hey, come and see what we got!

Banaah: Behold the head of Ishbosheth the son of Saul your enemy, which sought your life, and the Lord has avenged my lord the king this day of Saul, and of his seed.

David: As the Lord lives, who has redeemed my soul out of all adversity, when one told me, saying, "Behold, Saul is dead," thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him in Ziklag, who thought that I would have given him a reward for his tidings. How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? Shall I not therefore now require his blood of your hand, and take you away from the earth?

Rechab: Ooops.

Banaah: We miscalculated, huh?

David: Young men, kill them.

Young Men: Okay.

David: Also, cut off their hands and their feet, and hang them up over the pool in Hebron. And take the head of Ishbosheth, and bury it in the sepulchre of Abner in Hebron.

Young Men: Yeah, that will show them.

2 Samuel 3: David's a Whore, and Abner Dies

2010-10-10T04:41:00.001-07:00

David: Well, this war between the house of Saul and the house of David sure is dragging on.

Servant: Yes, too bad God can't do anything to make it shorter, huh?

David: At least we are getting stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul is getting weaker and weaker.

Servant: Yes, what with you getting so many children now. First, Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, then Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite, and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur, and the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith, and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital, and the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David's wife.

David: Yes, six kids, by six completely different women. Whom I'm all married to, according to the definition of traditional marriage, set down by God himself.

Servant: Yep. Polygamous marriage, just like God intended.

MEANWHILE

Abner: Well, even with this war, I've made myself strong for the house of Saul.

Ishbosheth: Hey, Abner, I hear you've been shtupping Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah, my father's concubine.

Abner: Well, I never! Am I a dog's head, which against Judah does show kindness this day to the house of Saul your father, to his brethren, and to his friends, and have I not delivered you into the hand of David, that you charge me today with a fault concerning this woman? So do God to Abner, and more also, except, as the Lord has sworn to David, even so I do to him, to translate the kingdom from the house of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over Israel and over Judah, from Dan even to Beersheba.

Ishbosheth: ...

Abner: I thought so. Messengers, go to David and tell him, "Whose is the land?" Say also, "Make your league with me, and, behold, my hand shall be with you, to bring about all Israel unto you."

Messengers: Will do.

LATER

David: Interesting. You tell Abner, I will make a league with him, but only if he brings Michal Saul's daughter, when he comes to see me. Also, send a message to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, "Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines."

Messengers: A hundred foreskins? Good Lord, that's awful!

David: You think that's awful? I actually brought two hundred!

Messengers: I think I'm going to puke.

LATER

Ishbosheth: So, David wants Michal. Servants, go get her.

LATER

Michal: What's going on here?

Ishbosheth: David wanted me to send you to him. So, here you go.

Phaltiel the son of Laish: What about me, her husband? What about the sanctity of our marriage?

Abner: Go screw. David wants her, David gets her.

Phaltiel: This sucks.

Michal: What if I object?

Abner: No one gives a shit about you. You keep your mouth shut, or I'll shut it for you.

LATER

Abner: Messenger, go to the elders of Israel and tell them, "You sought for David in times past to be king over you, now then do it, for the Lord has spoken of David, saying, 'By the hand of my servant David I will save my people Israel out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies.'"

Messenger: Will do.

Abner: Now, onto Hebron, to see David.

LATER, IN HEBRON

David: Look, there's Abner. And he's brought 20 men with him. Let's give them a feast.

Abner: David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel to my lord the king, that they may make a league with you, and that you may reign over all that your heart desires.

David: Thanks, that's swell. But why the change of sides?

Abner: Ishbosheth accused me of screwing Saul's concubine.

David: Really? That's all it takes for you to switch sides, be accused of fucking some bint? Huh, I'll have to keep my eye on you, Mr. Sensetive. Now, go away, in peace.

Abner: I will.

Joab: Hello, I'm home! We've been pursuing troops all day. Look at these great spoils. Too bad we didn't catch that jerk, Abner.

David: Of course not, he was here, the whole time. I sent him away, in peace.

Joab: Why'd you do that? You know Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive you, and to know your going out and your coming in, and to know all that you do.

David: Well, now that Michal is here, that's all I'll be going out and coming in for a while.

Joab: Fine. Have it your way. See you later.

LATER

Joab: Messenger, go to Abner, and tell him to come back here. But don't tell David I told Abner to return.

LATER

Abner: Back to Hebron. Hey, is that you, Joab?

Joab: Yep. And this is my sword. Have at you!

Abner: Arrgh! Right in the fifth rib. Just like how I killed your brother, Asahel.

Joab: Yes, that was the idea.

David: Joab! You've killed Abner! I and my kingdom are guiltless before the Lord forever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner. Let it rest on your head, and on all your father's house, and let there not fail from the house of Joab one that has an issue, or that is a leper, or that leans on a staff, or that falls on the sword, or that lacks bread. Joab, and to all the people that are with you, rend your clothes, and gird you with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner.

Joab: Okay.

David: I myself will followed Abner's bier. We'll bury him in Hebron. I weep! Whaaaaah!

Joab: Get a grip.

David: Died Abner as a fool dies? Your hands were not bound, nor your feet put into fetters, as a man falls before wicked men, so fell you.

All the People; Boo hoo hoo!

Joab: Really, people? Really?

David: And because of this tragedy, I will not eat meat or bread until the sun goes down.

Joab: Wow. going without food for a few hours. Truly, a sacrifice for the ages.

All the People: Well, it pleases us. But whatever the king does pleases us. And we can also be happy that David did not kill Abner.

Joab: Yeah, simple-minded folk. Always happy.

2 Samuel 2: David and Ishbosheth Made King, and a Gang Fight at the Old Swimming Hole

2010-10-10T04:40:00.000-07:00

David: I wonder what I should do now? I know, I'll ask God! Hey, God, shall I go into any of the cities of Judah?

God: Sure. You do that.

David: But which one?

God: Try Hebron.

David: I will, thanks, God. Wives, we're going to Hebron.

Ahinoam the Jezreelitess: Great.

Abigail Nabal's wife the Carmelite: Okay.

David: Men, we're all going to Hebron. Bring your whole household.

David's Man: Uh, why? Some of us like it fine here.

David: God said so.

David's Man: He's not exactly been the world's greatest travel agent, you know? I mean, really, the last time we listened to him, he brought us to Canaan, which is full of people we had to kill.

David: I'm sure this time everything will be totally different.

David's man: Okay.

LATER, IN HEBRON

David: See, what a pleasant place.

Men of Judah: David! Good to see you! We're going to anoint you king over the house of Judah.

David: See, just as I said!

Men of Judah: Also, we wanted to tell you that the men of Jabeshgilead buried Saul.

David: Well, that was very nice of them. Messenger!

Messenger: Yes!

David: Go to the men of Jabeshgilead, and tell them, "Blessed be you of the Lord, that you have showed this kindness to your lord, even unto Saul, and have buried him. And now the Lord show kindness and truth to you, and I also will requite you this kindness, because you have done this thing. Therefore now let your hands be strengthened, and be you valiant, for your master Saul is dead, and also the house of Judah have anointed me king over them."

Messenger: Geeze, seems a bit much. They probably did it because they didn't want to deal with a stinking, rotting corpse. Should I also give them a box of chocolates and balloon?

David: No, the message will be fine.

MEANWHILE

Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul's host: Well, Saul's dead. What to do, what to do?

Ishbosheth: Hi!

Abner: Who are you?

Ishbosheth: I'm Ishbosheth, the son of Saul!

Abner: Never heard of you.

Ishbosheth: I keep a low profile.

Abner: I guess so. Well, then, since you are Saul's son, let's go to Mahanaim, and I'll make you king over Gilead, the Ashurites, Jezreel, Ephraim, Benjamin, and over all Israel.

Ishbosheth: Wow! You can do that? Just make me king like that?

Abner: Guess so.

Ishbosheth: Great, I'll do it! Forty years old, and I finally accomplished something!

YEARS LATER, IN MAHANAIM

Abner the son of Ner: I'm bored. I think I'll take a trip to Gibeon.

Servants of Ishbosheth the son of Saul: Can we come?

Abner: Sure.

AT THE POOL OF GIBEON

Joab the son of Zeruiah: I think I'll go for a swim.

Servants of David: Can we come?

Joab: The more the merrier.

Abner: Hey!

Joab: Abner. What are you and your men doing here?

Abner: Taking a dip, same as you.

Joab: Well, you just stay on your side of the pool. We don't want any trouble.

Abner: Yes, but let the young men now arise, and play before us.

Joab: Sounds gay, but, yes, let them.

Twelve men of Benjamin: Hi!

Twelve of the servants of David: Hello.

Twelve men: Have at you!

Twelve Servants: No! Have at you!

Joab: Geeze! Have, guys, stop playing so rough!

Abner: I think it's too late. They all stabbed each other in the gut.

Joab; Well, let's call this place Helkathhazzurim.

Abner: Okay.

Joab: Now, have at you! Abishai! Asahel! For our father, Zeruiah! Get Abner!

Abner: Hey! Stop that!

Asahel: what's the matter, Abner? Running like a scared rabbit!

Abner: Are you Asahel?

Asahel: Yep!

Abner: Turn you aside to your right hand or to your left, and lay you hold on one of the young men, and take you his armour.

Asahel: No thanks.

Abner: Turn aside from following me, why should I smite you to the ground? How then should I hold up my face to Joab your brother?

Asahel: You'll think of something.

Abner: Very well. Then, haaa!

Asahel: Ack! You struck me clean through the fifth rib with the hind end of your spear! Incredible!

*thud*

Abner: Nice knowing you.

Joab: That bastard!

Abishai: He killed Asahel!

Joab: Let's get him!

Abishai: Look! The suns gone down, and we've reached the hill of Ammah, that lies before Giah by the way of the wilderness of Gibeon.

Joab: Yes, and the children of Benjamin have gathered themselves together after Abner, and became one troop, and stand on the top of a hill.

Abishai: We appear to be screwed.

Abner: Joab, Shall the sword devour forever? Know you not that it will be bitterness in the latter end? How long shall it be then, before you bid the people return from following their brethren?

Joab: As God lives, unless you had spoken, surely then in the morning the people had gone up every one from following his brother. I'll blow my trumpet, and all my people will stop pursuing after Israel to fight them.

Abner: And I and my men will go back to Mahanaim.

Joab: Fine.

LATER

Joab: So, let's see, we lost 19 men and Asahel. But we killed 360 of Abner's men. Not a bad trade. Now, let's go bury Asahel, at the sepulchre of our father, which is in Bethlehem. Then, back to Hebron.

Abishai: I just wanted to go swimming.

2 Samuel 1: David Sing Song of Lamentation, It's Full of Lies and Homoeroticism

2010-10-03T05:15:00.001-07:00

IN ZIKLAG

David: Ah, peace and quiet. Two whole days. I wonder what the third day will bring?

Man: Help...me.

David: Wow, you look terrible. Where you from?

Man: I'm from Saul's camp. I escaped from the Philistines.

David: So, how'd it go?

Man: Not well. The people all fled from the battle, many of the people are dead, and Saul and Jonathan his son are dead also.

David: How do you know this?

Man: As I happened by chance upon mount Gilboa, I saw Saul leaning upon his spear, and, lo, the chariots and horsemen followed hard after him. And when he looked behind him, he saw me, and called to me. And I answered, "Here am I." And he said to me, "Who are you?" And I answered him, "I am an Amalekite." He said to me, "Stand, I pray you, upon me, and slay me, for anguish is come upon me, because my life is yet whole in me." So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen, and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them here to you, my lord.

David: Wow. That is completely different than the story I heard about Saul's death, in which he killed himself after his armorbearer refused to kill him.

Man: Yeah, strange, huh?

David: Well, no matter. Saul's still dead. Arrrggh!

Man: You ripped your clothes.

Men with David: Arrrggh!

Man: You did, too.

David: Yes, it's how we show sadness.

Man: That's stupid.

David: Yes, yes it is. We will mourn, weep and fast until even, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the Lord, and for the house of Israel, because they were fallen by the sword.

Man: Uh, weren't you going to fight for the Philistines until you were kicked out because they didn't trust you? You were going to fight against Saul, maybe kill him yourself. Isn't it a bit strange to mourn for him, now?

David: Yeah, well, I'm complicated. So, where are you from, again?

Man: I am the son of a stranger, an Amalekite.

David: How were you not afraid to stretch forth your hand to destroy the Lord's anointed?

Man: Uh, you know, because he asked me to?

David: Young men, kill him!

Man: Uh, hey, no need to be hostile! ARRRGGGCK!

Young man: He's dead.

David: Your blood be upon your head, for your mouth has testified against you, saying, "I have slain the Lord's anointed."

Young Man: Uh, maybe you should have given that little speech BEFORE we killed him?

David: I lament with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son! Oh, wait, first make a note, young man: teach the children of Judah the use of the bow.

Young man: Behold, it is written in the book of Jasher.

David: Excellent. Now, onto my lamentation. The beauty of Israel is slain upon your high places, how are the mighty fallen! Tell it not in Gath, publish it not in the streets of Askelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines rejoice, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph.

Young man: Uh, they already know. They still have his head and armor, you know?

David: You mountains of Gilboa, let there be no dew, neither let there be rain, upon you, nor fields of offerings, for there the shield of the mighty is vilely cast away, the shield of Saul, as though he had not been anointed with oil. From the blood of the slain, from the fat of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan turned not back, and the sword of Saul returned not empty.

Young man: Uh, actually, that's not true, at all. They were losers. They died like losers. God made them die like losers. Stop pretending otherwise.

David: Saul and Jonathan were lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided, they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions. You daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, who clothed you in scarlet, with other delights, who put on ornaments of gold upon your apparel. How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle!

Young man: Dude, this is the guy who tried to kill you, constantly. He was vile.

David: O Jonathan, you were slain in your high places. I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan, very pleasant have you been to me, your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.

Young man: Wow, dude, just come out of the closet, already. It's okay.

David: How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!

young man: Yeah, right.

1 Samuel 31: Saul Killed By the Philistines

2010-10-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

AT MOUNT GILBOA

Saul: Here they come men! Steady! Steady!

Philistines: Kill! Kill! Kill!

Israelites: Run away!

Saul: What the hell?

Jonathan: ARRRGGH!

Abinadab: ACCCKK!

Malchishua: AAAAAAHHH!

Saul: Well, there go my two sons. Guess I'm boned, now.

Archer: Fire!

Saul: OW! Hey, that smarts!

Archer: They're supposed to. They're arrows.

Saul: Armorbearer, draw your sword, and thrust me through with it...

Armorbearer: Saul, I don't think this is the time or place, but if you really want me to...

Saul: Put your pants back on and kill me, lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me.

Armorbearer: Really, what's the difference between me thrusting you with my uncircumcised cock or them?

Saul: Oh for crying out loud, I'll do it myself! ARRGH!

Armourbearer: Hey, you've got to be careful falling on your sword like that, you could hurt yourself. See, this end is sharp and pointy. I'll show you what I mean. See, if you hold it like this, and fall over, you can cut yourself badly, like so...AAAARRGGHHH!

Philistine: Have at you...hey, these dudes are all dead.

Another Philistine: Looks like they didn't know proper sword safety. These things are dangerous, you know.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE VALLEY

Men of Israel: Look, Saul and his sons are all dead and all the Israelites have fled! The Philistines are still coming! We better get out of here! Run away!

Philistine: Hey, guys! The Israelites have left the cities, let's come and dwell in them.

Another Philistine: Hey, what should we do with Saul and his sons' bodies?

Philistine: We'll cut off Saul's head, and take his armor, then send it on tour among the people. Later, we can put his armour in the house of Ashtaroth and fasten his body to the wall of Bethshan.

Another Philistine: Good plan.

LATER

Inhabitant of Jabeshgilead: ...Then they fastened his body to a wall!

Another Inhabitant: Gross!

Inhabitant: We should go steal his and his sons' bodies back and give them a proper burning and burial.

Another inhabitant: Let's go!

LATER

Inhabitant: Hmmmm. Smells like bar-b-que. What are we going to do with their bones?

Another Inhabitant: We'll bury them under a tree at Jabesh. Then we'll fast seven days.

Inhabitant: Fast? Damn. This smell really made me hungry.

Another inhabitant: Yeah. Let's eat first, then fast.

Inhabitant: Good plan.

1 Samuel 30: David Versus the Amalekites

2010-09-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

THREE DAYS LATER

David: Look, men, there's Ziklag.

David's man: Is that...smoke?

David: That can't be good.

David's man: Look! The city has been attacked! All the women and children are gone!

David: They must have been captured by the Amalekites. They even took my wives Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite.

David's men: Oh boo hoo hoo! What are we going to do? This is all your fault, David! We never should have left here. We should stone you to death!

David: Now, let's not be hasty, boys. I've got a plan! Abiathar, the priest, Ahimelech's son, I pray you, bring me here the ephod.

Abiathar: Here you go.

David: Hi, God, it's me, David. Shall I pursue after these troops? Shall I overtake them?

God: Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them, and without fail recover all.

David: Whew! Good news, men. God said we can go get out women back, no problem.

David's man: He should have just made sure they weren't taken to begin with. They've probably already been raped. A lot.

David: Probably only the young ones, so, no big deal. I'll take the six hundred men that are with me. Let's ride!

AT THE BROOK BESOR

200 of David's Men: David, we're too faint to go on, we must rest.

David: Go ahead, I've still got 400 men. Should be plenty.

Egyptian: Hi!

David's Man: Look, we've found this Egyptian in the field.

Egyptian: Got anything to eat? I'm a bit hungry.

David: Sure, have some bread and water.

Egyptian: Thanks. Looks like you're in a hurry.

David: Don't worry about that. Here, have a piece of fig cake and some raisins.

Egyptian: Swell! I haven't had a bite to eat in three days and three nights. I'm feeling better already.

David: To whom do you belong? And where are you from?

Egyptain: I am a young man of Egypt, servant to an Amalekite. My master left me, because three days ago I fell sick. We made an invasion upon the south of the Cherethites, and upon the coast which belongs to Judah, and upon the south of Caleb, and we burned Ziklag with fire.

David: Can you bring me down to this company?

Egyptian: Swear to me by God, that you will neither kill me, nor deliver me into the hands of my master, and I will bring you down to this company.

David: Sure!

Egyptian: Great! There they are!

David: Look at them, down there. Eating and drinking, and dancing, because of all the great spoil that they have taken out of the land of the Philistines, and out of the land of Judah. Let's smite them!

David's men: Yay, for smiting!

LATER

David: Report!

Messenger: We've smited them from twilight evening unto the evening of the next day. We've killed all but four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled. We've recovered all our women and children. Including your two wives.

David: Excellent! I'm taking all the flocks and the herds, which they drove before those other cattle. This is my spoil. Let's go home.

LATER

David: Look, it's our 200 other men who we left at the brook Besor.

200 Men: Hi, David! Wow, great job.

David: Thanks. I salute you.

Wicked men and men of Belial: You guys don't get to share any spoils, because you stayed here.

David: Yes they will. Anyone who goes to the battle, shares in the spoils, even if they don't go all the way to the fight.

Wicken men: That hardly seems fair.

David: Tough. From this day forward, it is a statute and an ordinance for Israel.

BACK AT ZIKLAG

David: I'm going to send some of the spoils to the elders of Judah and some of my friends.

Messenger: Who?

David: Well, send some to anyone who was with us in Bethal, south Ramoth, Jattir, Aroer, Siphmoth, Eshtemoa, Rachal, in the cities of the Jerahmeelites, and the cities of the Kenites, Hormah, Chorashan, Athach, and in Hebron. Shoot, just send some to all the places where me and my men were wont to haunt.

Messenger: Okay.

1 Samuel 29: Philistines Don't Trust the Turncoat, David

2010-09-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

Achish: Here we are, David, Aphek. Saul and the Israelites are pitched b a fountain in Jezreel.

David: There must hundreds of thousands of Philistines here.

Achish: Yep.

Princes of the Philistines: What are these Hebrews doing here? We don't want there kind!

Achish: Relax. This is David, the servant of Saul the king of Israel, who has been with me these days, or these years, and I have found no fault in him since he came to me to this day.

Princes of the Philistines: Are our crazy? A servant of Saul, and you bring him to our battle? What if he reconciles with Saul during the battle and turns against us? Once a traitor, always a traitor. Send him back to your place. I mean, really, This is the David, of whom they sang about in dances, saying, Saul slew his thousands, and David his ten thousands?

Achish: Fine. David, surely, as the Lord lives, you have been upright, and your going out and your coming in with me in the host is good in my sight, for I have not found evil in you since the day of you coming to me unto this day, nevertheless the lords favour you not. Therefore now return, and go in peace, that you displease not the lords of the Philistines.

David: But what have I done? And what have you found in your servant so long as I have been with you unto this day, that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?

Achish: I just told you. I know that you are good in my sight, as an angel of God. Notwithstanding the princes of the Philistines have said, "He shall not go up with us to the battle." Therefore now rise up early in the morning with your master's servants that came with you, and as soon as you be up early in the morning, and have light, depart.

David: Okay, I'll do it.

Achish: Thank you.

David: Never have any fun. I so wanted to kill some Hebrews. Come on, men, back to camp. No killing for us.

David's men: Awwwwwww!

David: I know. I'm disappointed, too.

Achish: Okay, now that that's settled, Philistines, on to Jezreel!

1 Samuel 28: Saul Talks to Samuel's Ghost at Endor

2010-09-19T05:37:00.001-07:00

Achish: So, David, we Philistine have decided to fight with Israel. I know I can count on you and your men to kill a few Israelites for us.

David: Surely you shall know what you servant can do.

Achish: Therefore I will make you keeper of my head forever. And don't call me Shirley.

LATER

David: Status report!

Messenger: Samuel is still dead and buried in Ramah. The Hebrews still lament him, even in his own city. And Saul has put away those that have familiar spirits and the wizards out of the land. And we and the Philistines are all pitched in Shunem and Saul and all Israel are pitched in Gilboa.

David: Very good.

AT GILBOA

Saul: That's a lot of Philistines. I'm afraid, and my heart greatly trembled. I better get some advice from the big guy. Lord, will everything be all right?

God: ...

Saul: Has anyone heard from God, lately? Any dreams? Urim? Prophets? Anyone?

Prophets: Nope. not a peep.

Saul: Servants, seek me a woman that has a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and inquire of her.

Servants: Behold, there is a woman that has a familiar spirit at Endor.

Saul: Endor? But it's heavily guarded by storm-troopers.

Servant: Different Endor.

Saul: Oh. Okay. You two men, you're with me. We'll disguise ourselves and go to this women.

Man One: You probably shouldn't have tossed all those wizards and such out of the land, huh?

Man Two: Bet you feel foolish now.

Saul: Yes, yes I do.

AT ENDOR, IN THE NIGHT

Saul: There she is. I pray you, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto you.

Endor Woman: Behold, you know what Saul has done, how he has cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land, why then lay you a snare for my life, to cause me to die?

Man One: Ha! She's got you there, Saul.

Saul: Shut up. I swear to your by the Lord, as the Lord lives, there shall be no punishment to you for this thing.

Endor Woman: Whom shall I bring up to you?

Saul: Bring me Samuel.

Endor Woman: Got it. YAAAH!

Saul: What's the matter?!?

Endor Woman: I think I saw Samuel! And he said you are Saul! Why have you deceived me?

Saul: Well, I thought that was obvious. But, be not afraid, for what saw you?

Endor Woman: I saw gods ascending out of the earth.

Saul: What form is he of?

Endor Woman: An old man comes up, and he is covered with a mantle.

Saul: That sounds like Samuel, all right. I better bow down.

Samuel's Ghost: Saul, Why have you disturded me, to bring me up?

Saul: Oh, were you busy, being dead? I'm sorry, but, I am sore distressed, for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answers me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams, therefore I have called you, that you may make known unto me what I shall do.

Samuel's Ghost: Why then do you ask of me, seeing the Lord has departed from you, and has become your enemy? And the Lord has done to you, as he spake by me, for the Lord has rent the kingdom out of your hand, and given it to your neighbor, even to David, because you obeyed not the voice of the Lord, nor executed his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore has the Lord done this thing unto you this day.

Saul: I was afraid of that.

Samuel's Ghost: Moreover the Lord will also deliver Israel with you into the hand of the Philistines, and tomorrow shall you and your sons be with me, the Lord also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.

Saul: I fall to the earth, and am sore afraid, because of your words, Samuel's ghost. There is no strength in me, for I have eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.

Endor Woman: Saul, you are sore troubled. Behold, your handmaid has obeyed your voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto your words which you spoke to me. Now therefore, I pray you, hearken you also to the voice of your handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before you, and eat, that you may have strength, when you go on thy way.

Saul: No, I will not eat.

Servants: Do it, Saul. Have something to eat.

Endor Woman: Just a little.

Saul: Fine, I eat a little. What have you got?

Endor woman: I have a nice fat calf in the house. I just have to kill it and bake some unleavened bread. It shouldn't take more than a few hours.

Saul: Fine.

LATER

Endor Woman: Here you go.

Saul: Thanks.

SOON

Saul: Time to go, men. Goodbye, Endor woman.

Endor Woman: Have fun tomorrow at the battle. Goodbye.

1 Samuel 27: David Flees to Philistine, Goes on a Killing Spree

2010-09-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

David, Thinking: I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should speedily escape into the land of the Philistines, and Saul shall despair of me, to seek me any more in any coast of Israel, so shall I escape out of his hand.

David's man: You look like you got something on your mind, David.

David: Yeah, It's just clear that Saul is going to kill me one of these days.

Man: No! You think? Golly, you sure you don't want to sit around just a little longer more?

David: Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, you know. Anyway, we better head to the land of the Philistines.

Man: Uh, don't they want to kill you, too? After all, you took 200 foreskins from them that one time. Seems like something they would a grudge for.

David: That? I'm sure they've forgotten already. Let's go.

LATER, AT GATH

David: Okay, men, here we are.

Achish, son of Maoch, King of Gath: Hey, it's you, again. The crazy guy. And you brought 600 friends. Wonderful.

David: I was just pretending to be crazy, because of Saul.

Achish: We'll see. You can stay for now, but if there is any trouble....

David: Don't worry so much. It will be cool.

SOON

David: Status report?

Servant: Every man with his household dwells here, including you and your two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the Carmelitess, Nabal's wife....

David: Rank has its privileges.

Servant: And, apparently, Saul knows where we are but has decided to leave us alone.

David: Excellent. But I need more space. I'm going to talk to Achish.

AT ACHISH'S PALACE

David: Achish, if I have now found grace in your eyes, give me a place in some town in the country, that I may dwell there, for why should your servant dwell in the royal city with you?

Achish: Yes, it would be nice for you to be out of my hair. I'll give you Ziklag.

David: I'm sure it well pertain to the kings of Judah unto this day. Sometime in the future, when this story is written done.

Achish: What an odd thing to say.

A YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS LATER

David: Well, men, we dwelled in the country of the Philistines a full year and four months. Now I'm bored. Let's go invade some people!

David's Men: Yeah! But, who?

David: We'll invade the Geshurites, the Gezrites, and the Amalekites, for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as you go to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.

David's Men: That's as good a reason as any. Let's go!

LATER

David: Excellent, men! Smite the land good! Leave neither man nor woman alive, and take away the sheep, oxen, asses, and the camels, and the apparel.

David's men: Excellent.

BACK AT ACHISH'S

Achish: So, where have you been?

David: We killed a bunch of people against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.

Achish: I see. That could cause trouble for me.

David: Don't worry, we killed all the man and woman. So no one will come to Gath to tell on us.

Achish: Well, good. I believe you. You have made your people Israel utterly to abhor you, therefore, you shall be my servant forever.

David: I try.

1 Samuel 26: David Steals Saul's Spear While He sleeps

2010-09-12T04:21:00.000-07:00

Ziphites: Hey, Saul.

Saul: Yes.

Ziphites: Does not David hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon?

Saul: Does he?

Ziphites: We think so.

Saul: Then why ask me?

Ziphites: Because?

Saul: Well, I guess I'll go and see how he is. And I'll take 3,000.

IN THE HILLS OF HACHILAH, WHICH IS BEFORE JESHIMON

Saul: We'll pitch here, men.

David: What's he doing here? Spies!

Spies: Yes?

David: Go to Saul's camp and see what he's up to.

LATER

Spies: Yep, that's Saul.

David: And?

Spies: Were you expecting something more?

David: If you want something done right.... I'll go check it out myself.

AT SAUL'S CAMP

David: There's Saul. And, there's Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his host. They're camping all right. Hey, Ahimelech the Hittite and Abishai the son of Zeruiah, brother to Joab.

Ahimlech: Yes?

Abishai: What?

David: Who will go down with me to Saul to the camp?

Abishai: Sounds like fun. I will.

David: Then let's go.

AT SAUL'S CAMP

David: Look, Saul's sleeping in the trench.

Abishai: He looks so cute, with his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster.

David: But Abner and the people lay round about him.

Abishai: David, God has delivered your enemy into your hand this day, now therefore let me smite him, I pray you, with the spear even to the earth at once, and I will not smite him the second time.

David: No, don't destroy him, for who can stretch forth his hand against the Lord's anointed, and be guiltless? Furthermore, as the Lord lives, the Lord shall smite him, or his day shall come to die, or he shall descend into battle, and perish. The Lord forbid that I should stretch forth my hand against the Lord's anointed, but, I pray you, take you the spear that is at his bolster, and the cruse of water, and let us go.

Abishai: Spoilsport. But what if his men wake up?

David: They won't. A deep sleep of the Lord is upon them.

Abishai: If you say so. Still, I'll try to be quiet.

David: Good idea. You never know when God is going to pull a fast one.

Abishai: Got them.

David: Let's go to the other side. I want some space between us when Saul wakes up.

Abishai: Good idea. Trust God and a big ditch.

David: Ready?

Abishai: Yep.

David: Hey, Abner the son of Ner!

Abner: Who are you that cries to the king?

David: Are you not a valiant man? And who is like to you in Israel? Therefore then have you not kept your lord the king safe? For there came one of the people into destroy the king your lord. As the Lord lives, you are worthy to die, because you have not kept your master safe, the Lord's anointed. And now see where the king's spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his bolster.

Abner: Hey, no fair, God put some sort of deep sleep spell on me!

Saul: David, is that you? I recognize your voice, my son!

David: It is my voice, my lord, O king.Why does my lord pursue after his servant? For what have I done? Or what evil is in mine hand? Now therefore, I pray you, let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the Lord have stirred you up against me, let him accept an offering, but if they be the children of men, cursed be they before the Lord, for they have driven me out this day from abiding in the inheritance of the Lord, saying, "Go, serve other gods." Now therefore, let not my blood fall to the earth before the face of the Lord, for the king of Israel is come out to seek a flea, as when one does hunt a partridge in the mountains.

Saul: I have sinned, return, my son David for I will no more do you harm, because my soul was precious in your eyes this day, behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.

David: Behold the king's spear! Let one of the young men come over and fetch it. The Lord render to every man his righteousness and his faithfulness, for the Lord delivered you into my hand today, but I would not stretch forth my hand against the Lord's anointed. And, behold, as your life was much set by this day in my eyes, so let my life be much set by in the eyes of the Lord, and let him deliver me out of all tribulation.

Saul: David, Blessed be you, my son David, you shall both do great things, and also shall still prevail.

David: Well, good. If that will be all, I'll be on my way.

Saul: Me, too, back to my place.

Abishai: This all seems so familiar. Like, the whole cave thing.

David: Saul's what we call a slow learner.

1 Samuel 25: Samuel Dies, David Turns Mafia

2010-09-12T03:19:00.000-07:00

Samuel: Arrrrrrrrrrrgh.

Doctor: He's dead, Jim.

AT DAVID'S

Messenger: Samuel's dead. All the Israelites are gathered together, and lamenting him. They buried him in his house at Ramah.

David: Time to take a trip. Down to the wilderness of Paran!

Nabal, a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel: Yo, Abigail! Wife! Where are you?

Abigail: Here I am.

Nabal: I was just counting our sheep and goats. We have three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats.

Abigail: Yes, and they need shearing.

Nabal: I better get right on that.

AT DAVID'S PLACE

Messenger: So, this guy, Nabal, has a wife, Abigail, and she is a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance. But, Nabal? He's churlish and evil in his doings. He's of the house of Caleb. Anyway, Nabal sheared his sheep.

David: Well, I am hard up for entertainment. Ten young men, come here.

Ten Young Men: You called.

David: Go up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. And tell him, "Peace be both to you, and peace be to your house, and peace be unto all that you have. And now I have heard that you have shearers, now your shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there anything missing to them, all the while they were in Carmel. Ask your young men, and they will show you. Therefore let the young men find favor in your eyes, for we come in a good day, give, I pray you, whatsoever comes to your hand unto your servants, and to your son David."

Ten Young Men: So, because we chose not to molest or steal from his shepherds, he should give us something? What are we, the mob, now?

David: Something like that.

AT NABAL'S

Ten Young Men: So, that's what David said.

Nabal: Who is David? And who is the son of Jesse? There be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be?

Ten Young Men: Yeah, we thought it was kind of iffy, ourselves.

AT DAVID'S

Ten Young Me: So, that's what Nabal said.

David: Oh, he did, did he? Well, men, Gird you on every man his sword.

Every man: Done. All 400 of us. Plus 200 by the stuff.

David: Good. Let's ride!

AT NABAL'S

One Young Man: Abigail, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master, and he railed on them. But the men were very good to us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we anything, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields. They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep. Now therefore know and consider what you will do, for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household, for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

Abigail: Wait, did my husband hire you to guard his shepherds?

One Young Man: No, this was more a protection racket type thing. "Give us some money, and we won't break your legs" type thing.

Abigail: Crap. I better hurry, and take two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and lay them on asses.

One Young Man: Yes, you should do that.

Abigail: Servants, go on before me, behold, I come after you. But don't tell my husband, Nabal.

Servants: Okay.

Abigail: I ride to David's! Run, ass, run!

LATER

David: Hi!

Abigail: There you are. I hear you have a problem with my husband?

David: Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow has in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him, and he has requited me evil for good. So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisses against the wall.

Abigail: Here, let me get off my ass. Oooff.

David: Careful, there, you've fallen on your face there.

Abigail: Yes. Yes, I did. Now, upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be and let your handmaid, I pray you, speak in your audience, and hear the words of your handmaid. Let not my lord, I pray you, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal, for as his name is, so is he, Nabal is his name, and folly is with him, but I your handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom you did send. Now therefore, my lord, as the Lord lives, and as your soul lives, seeing the Lord has withholden you from coming to shed blood, and from avenging yourself with your own hand, now let your enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal. And now this blessing which your handmaid have brought unto my lord, let it even be given to the young men that follow my lord. I pray you, forgive the trespass of your handmaid, for the Lord will certainly make my lord a sure house, because my lord fights the battles of the Lord, and evil has not been found in you all your days. Yet a man is risen to pursue you, and to seek your soul, but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the Lord your God, and the souls of your enemies, them shall he sling out, as out of the middle of a sling. And it shall come to pass, when the Lord shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he has spoken concerning you, and shall have appointed you ruler over Israel, that this shall be no grief unto you, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that you have shed blood causeless, or that my lord has avenged himself, but when the Lord shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember your handmaid.

David: My, you are a long-winded wench. Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent you this day to meet me, and blessed be your advice, and blessed be you, which has kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand. For in every deed, as the Lord God of Israel lives, which has kept me back from hurting you, except you had hastened and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

Abigail: Christ, you're worse than the mob. They don't go after a man's family.

David: Go up in peace to your house. See, I have hearkened to your voice, and have accepted your person.

Abigail: Uh, thanks for not killing us, then. Good-bye.

BACK AT NABAL'S

Abigail: I'm home.

Nabal: Hey, everyone, my wiffffs home! Hiya, wifey!

Abigail: You're drunk.

Nabal: And I'm ugly. But you won't be drunk in the morning. Just stupid.

Abigail: Well, nice feast. I might as well enjoy it.

THE NEXT MORNING

Nabal: Owww, my head.

Abigail: By the way, David came to kill us all yesterday because you didn't fall for his protection racket. But I bought him off with some pretty words and some food.

Nabal: My has heart died within me.

Abigail: That can't be good.

TEN DAYS LATER

God: And...SMITE!

Nabal: ARRRRGGGH!

Tom Crow: Why did you wait ten days before killing that guy?

God: Sometimes the anticipation of smiting is better than the smiting itself.

Tom Crow: Ah.

Messenger: That dude Nabal has died.

David: Blessed be the Lord, that has pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and has kept his servant from evil, for the Lord has returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head.

Messenger: Yes.

David: Messenger, go get his wife, I mean, widow, Abigail. She was quite a dish. I think I will take her to wife.

Messenger: Aren't you already married to Saul's daughter?

David: So?

Messenger: I forgot, traditional marriage.

LATER, AT ABIGAIL'S

Servants: David sent us to you to take you to him to wife.

Abigail: Behold, let your handmaid be a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.

Servants: Okay.

Abigail: Come, five damsels, let us go to David. I'm going to marry him.

One Damsel: Isn't he already married?

Abigail: Who cares.

AT DAVID'S

Abigail: So, here I am.

One Damsel: David, I thought you were already married to Saul's daughter?

David: Michal? Oh, that's a common misconception. She's married to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim..

One Damsel: Oh, so you're not a bigimist.

David: Not yet. Abigail, meet Ahinoam of Jezreel.

Ahinoam: Hi!

David: I'm going to marry both of you! Isn't that nice?

Abigail: I guess.

1 Samuel 23: David On the Run

2010-09-05T03:50:00.000-07:00

Some people: Hey, David, the Philistines fight against Keilah, and they rob the threshing floors.

David: And?

Some people: Well, maybe you can help us get rid of them?

David: I don't know, I better ask God. Hey, God, should I go kill these Philistines?

God: You're asking me if I want you to kill people? Of course! Go, and smite the Philistines, and save Keilah.

David's Men: David, are you sure that's a good idea. We're afraid here in Judah, how much more afraid will we be if we come to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?

David: Pansies. I'm surrounded by pansies. Will you stop pissing your pants if God tells us to go?

David's Men: Sure!

David: God, are you really sure we should kill the Philistines?

God: Arise, go down to Keilah, for I will deliver the Philistines into your hand.

David: See? Let's go, no worries.

David's Men: Uh, we didn't hear anything.

David: Well, God told me to go, and that he would deliver the Philistines into our hands.

David's men: So, we just have to take our word for it that you heard God talk to you?

David: Is that a problem?

David's Men: No, no, we guess not.

David: Great! Let's go!

AT KEILAH

David: See! Good smiting everyone! We've slaughtered them! And saved the people of Keilah.

David's Men: Can we keep their cattle?

David: Sure, why not.

Abiathar the son of Ahimelech: Boy, I'm glad I decided to hide with you! What fun!

David: Nice ephod.

Abiathar: Thanks.

AT SAUL'S PLACE

MEssenger: Yeah, so, anyway, David's gone to Keilah.

Saul: God has delivered him into my hand, for he is shut in, by entering into a town that has gates and bars. People, we go together to war, to go down to Keilah, to besiege David and his men.

People: Okay.

AT DAVID'S PLACE

David: I just know Saul is secretly practicing mischief against me. Abiathar, bring me the ephod.

Abiathar: Here it is.

David: O Lord God of Israel, your servant has certainly heard that Saul seeks to come to Keilah, to destroy the city for my sake. Will the men of Keilah deliver me up into his hand? Will Saul come down, as your servant has heard? O Lord God of Israel, I beseech you, tell your servant.

God: He will come down.

David: Will the men of Keilah deliver me and my men into the hand of Saul?

God: They will deliver you up.

David: Son of a bitch! Can't trust anyone nowadays. Men! Get up and ride! Time to vamoose!

David's Men: Where to?

David: Whereever, just get!

AT SAUL'S

Messenger: So then he and his men, all 600, took off out of Keilah.

Saul: Okay, no reason to go any further. Let's go back, people.

AT DAVID

David: Well, back to the wilderness of Ziph for me.

AT SAUL'S

Saul: Well?

Messenger: We're looking everyday, Saul. But God just hasn't delivered him into your hands.

Saul: Crap.

IN THE WILDERNESS OF ZIPH

David: Saul's serious. He's really trying to kill me.

Johnathan, Saul's son: Hi, David!

David: What the...how'd you find me?!?

Johnathan: God?

David: I see. Well, what's you doing here?

Johnathan: Fear not, for the hand of Saul my father shall not find you, and you shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you, and that also Saul my father knows.

David: Still flaming, I see. Well, let's make a covenant before Lord...

Johnathan: Is that like being gay married?

David: No.

Johnathan: Rats. Okay. Covenant it is.

David: Yes.

Johnathan: Well, time to get back to me house, unless there's something you want me to do?

David: No, I'm good.

Johnathan: Well, you know where to find me if anything needs...done.

IN GIBEAH

Ziphites: David hides himself with us in strong holds in the wood, in the hill of Hachilah, which is on the south of Jeshimon. Now therefore, O king, come down according to all the desire of your soul and we shall deliver him into the king's hand.

Saul: Blessed be you of the Lord, for you have compassion on me. Go, I pray you, prepare, and know and see his place where his haunt is, and who has seen him there, for it is told me that he deals very subtlety. See therefore, and take knowledge of all the lurking places where he hides himself, and come again to me with the certainty, and I will go with you and it shall come to pass, if he be in the land, that I will search him out throughout all the thousands of Judah.

Ziphites: Sure.

IN THE WILDERNESS OF MAON, IN THE PLAIN ON THE SOUTH OF JESHIMON

David: No one will find me here.

AT SAUL'S

Messenger: He's in Maon.

Saul: To Maon, then, men.

AT MAON

Messenger: We think David's on the other side of this mountain.

Saul: Excellent. We have him now, men!

Another Messenger: Saul, we've got trouble! The Philistines have invaded the land!

Saul: Shit. Okay, let's go home, men. We'll have to catch this particular rabbit some other time.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN

David: Whew. So close. God, why don't you do something about Saul? Kill him, maim him, make him give up, anything.

God: Well, to be honest, watching you run away has been great fun for me. It's like a roadrunner cartoon! Meep! Meep! Bazing!

David: Shit. Well, men, we'll call this place Selahammahlekoth. And we better go to the strong holds at Engedi. Because God sure ain't helping.

1 Samuel 24: David the Tailor

2010-09-03T03:51:00.000-07:00

Saul: Thisty work, killing Philistines. Always seem to be more, no matter how many we kill.

Messenger: Saul, David's at Engedi.

Saul: Again? Fine. Give me 3000 men, we'll get him this time.

AT ENGEDI

Saul: What a barren place.

Soldier: Look, Saul, a cave.

Saul: I want to cover my feet. I'm going in.

Soldier: Alone? David and his people may in there.

Saul: Yeah, I'm kinda stupid that way.

IN THE CAVE

David's Men: Look the day of which the Lord said to you, "Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it shall seem good to you."

David: Yes, I think I'll sneak up to him...

David's men: Yes?

David: Take my sword...

David's Men: Yes?

David: And cut off the skirt of Saul's robe.

David's Men: What? That's stupid. Kill him, you idiot.

David: No, I'm just going to alter his clothes a little.

David's Men: Are you a fucking tailor? Get rid of him! Now's your chance.

David: Nope. Watch this.

David's Men: Yep, real good, you cut his skirt. Happy now?

David: No, actually, my heart smites him, because I cut off Saul's skirt.

David's Men: Dumbass.

David: The Lord forbid that I should do this thing to my master, the Lord's anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the Lord.

David's Men: He's trying to KILL you.

David: Nope, we stay here, in this cave, not raising a hand against Saul.

Saul: Yep, nothing here in this cave. I guess I can leave now.

Saul's soldiers: Sir, what happened to your skirt?

David: Saul! My lord the king.

Saul: What the...? David? You were in the cave the whole time?

David: Saul, why hear you men's words, saying, "Behold, David seeks you hurt?" Behold, this day your eyes have seen that the Lord had delivered you into my hand in the cave and some bade me kill you, but I spared you, and I said, "I will not put forth my hand against my lord, for he is the Lord's anointed." Moreover, my father, see the skirt of your robe in my hand, for I cut off the skirt of your robe, and killed you not, know you and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in my hand, and I have not sinned against you, yet you hunt my soul to take it.

Saul: So, you ruined my skirt. It was my favorite skirt.

David: The Lord judge between me and you, and the Lord avenge me of you, but my hand shall not be upon you. As says the proverb of the ancients, "Wickedness proceeds from the wicked," but my hand shall not be upon you. After whom is the king of Israel come out? After whom does you pursue? After a dead dog, after a flea.

Soldier: Long-winded sort, isn't he?

David: The Lord therefore be judge, and judge between me and you, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of your hand.

Saul: Is this your voice, my son, David?

Soldier: Geeze, he's crying! There's no crying on the battle-field!

Saul: David, You are more righteous than I, for you have rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded you evil. And you have showed this day how that you have dealt well with me, for when the Lord had delivered me into your hand, you killed me not. For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? Wherefore the Lord reward you good for that you have done to me this day. And now, behold, I know well that you shall surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in you hand. Swear now therefore to me by the Lord, that you will not cut off my seed after me, and that you will not destroy my name out of my father's house.

David: I swear.

Saul: That's good enough for me. Well, time to pack up and go home, men. No killing today.

David: And we better get back into the hold.

David's man: What, you don't trust Saul?

David: Just call it a hunch.

1 Samuel Chapter 22: Who Let The Doeg Out? Saul, Saul, Saul!

2010-08-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

Messengers: Get out of here, crazy person.

David: Whew. That was close. I better hide in the cave Adullam.

LATER

David's brethern: Yoohoo, anyone home?

David: Hey, family, good to see you! And you've brought father's whole house.

David's brethern: We came as soon as we heard you were living in this cave. Nice. Like what you've done to the place.

David: Who are those other people?

David's brethern: Well, everyone that is in distress, and everyone that is in debt, and every one that is discontented, they've all come with us.

Discontented people: This sucks!

Debtors: Could we borrow a nickel?

Distressed: Ohhhhhhhhh. I'm dyyyyin'.

David: Well, I'll became a captain over them.

David's brethern: Nothing like an army of losers to put the fear of god into your enemies.

David: There are about four hundred men. Come, let's go to Mizpeh of Moab!

AT MIZPEH

King of Moab: Yes?

David: Hi! I'm David! Let my father and my mother, I pray you, come forth, and be with you, till I know what God will do for me.

King of Moab: Okay.

David's Parents: Hi!

King of Moab: Sigh.

David: Now what should I do?

Prophet of Gad: David, Abide not in the hold, depart, and get you into the land of Judah.

David: Okay!

LATER

David: So, this is the forest of Hareth. Nice.

UNDER A TREE IN GIBEAH IN RAMAJ

Messenger: Nice spear.

Saul: Thanks, I just polished it.

Messenger: You can tell. Oh, we've discovered David.

Saul: Hear now, ye Benjamites, will the son of Jesse give every one of you fields and vineyards, and make you all captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds, that all of you have conspired against me, and there is none that shows me that my son has made a league with the son of Jesse, and there is none of you that is sorry for me, or shows to me that my son has stirred up my servant against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

Doeg the Edomite: I saw the son of Jesse coming to Nob, to Ahimelech the son of Ahitub. And he inquired of the Lord for him, and gave him victuals, and gave him the sword of Goliath the Philistine.

Saul: Really? Get me Ahimelech the priest, the son of Ahitub, and all his father's house, the priests that are in Nob.

LATER

Ahimelech: We're here.

Saul: Hear now, you son of Ahitub.

Ahimelech: Here I am, my lord.

Saul: Why have you conspired against me, you and the son of Jesse, in that you have given him bread, and a sword, and has inquired of God for him, that he should rise against me, to lie in wait, as at this day?

Ahimelech: And who is so faithful among all thy servants as David, which is the king's son in law, and goes at your bidding, and is honorable in your house? Did I then begin to inquire of God for him? Be it far from me, let not the king impute anything unto his servant, nor to all the house of my father, for your servant knew nothing of all this, less or more.

Saul: You shall surely die, Ahimelech, you, and all your father's house. Footmen, turn, and slay the priests of the Lord, because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not show it to me.

Footmen: Uh, no.

Saul: Doeg, Turn you, and fall upon the priests.

Doeg the Edomite: Yes, sir! Have at you! And you! And you! And you!...

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

Doeg: And you! And, finally, you! Score?

Saul: Fourscore and five persons that did wear a linen ephod.

Doeg: Excellent. N?ow, onto the rest of the city of Nob! I'll smite both men and women, children and sucklings...

Saul: Uh...

Doeg: ...and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of my sword!

Saul: Yeah....

Doeg: Well, I think I've got everyone.

Saul: Good Doeg. But, one of the sons of Ahimelech the son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped, and fled after David.

Doeg: Rats. So close to killing 1.000.

LATER

Abiathar: David, Saul has slain the Lord's priests.

David: Abiathar, I knew it that day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, that he would surely tell Saul. I have caused the death of all the persons of your father's house. Stay with me, fear not, for he that seeks my life seeks your life, but with me you shall be in safeguard.

Abianthar: Yeah, I kinda doubt that.

1 Samuel Chapter 21: David Runs Away, Acts Nuts

2010-08-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

AT NOB

David: Nob. What a funny name. Nob. Hey, Ahimelech, the priest!

Ahimelech: Why are you alone, and no man with you? That frightens me.

David: Calm down. The king has commanded me a business, and has said to me, "Let no man know anything of the business on which I send you, and what I have commanded you and I have appointed my servants to such and such a place."

Ahimelech: Well, you've just told me everything the king told you not to tell me. You're not too bright, are you?

David: Well, if I wasn't lying to you, it wouldn't be.

Ahimelech: What?

David: Nothing. What's under your hand?

Ahimelech: Bread.

David: Good. Give me five loaves of bread, or what there is present.

Ahimelech: Oh, no! This is not common bread under mine hand, but hallowed bread, if the young men have kept themselves at least from women.

David: Well, that's no problem. Women have kept from us about these three days, since I came out, and the vessels of the young men are holy, and the bread is in a manner common, yea, though it were sanctified this day in the vessel.

Ahimelech: Very well. You're lucky. There is no bread here but the shewbread, that was taken from before the Lord, to put hot bread in the day when it was taken away.

David: Excellent.

Ahimelech: Say, there is a certain man of the servants of Saul who is here today, detained before the Lord. His name if Doeg, an Edomite, the chiefest of the herdmen that belonged to Saul. Know him?

David: No. But I do need a weapon. Is there here under your hand spear or sword? For I have neither brought my sword nor my weapons with me, because the king's business required haste.

Ahimelech: So fast you couldn't pick up you weapons? Truly, you are an idiot. Never fear, the sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom you slew in the valley of Elah, is here, wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod. If you will take that, take it, for there is no other sword save that here.

David: There is none like that, give it me.

Ahimelech: Here you go.

David: Well! This has been very nice. Great bread, thanks for the sword, but I must be going.

Ahimelech: To finish that secret mission for Saul? The one you weren't supposed to tell me about? And for which you didn't bring any supplies or even men?

David: Yes. That's not suspicious at all. Toodles!

Ahimelech: What a lousy liar.

LATER, AT GATH

David: I better go to Achish, the king of Gath. Maybe he can help me.

Servants of Achish: Halt! Who goes there?

David: Me, David.

Servants: Is not this David the king of the land? Did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying, 'Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands?'

David: Crap! They've heard of me! Maybe Achish the king of Gath is working with Saul. I better think fast. I know! I'll pretend I'm crazy! God talks to me!

Servants: That's not crazy.

David: He says to treat everyone equally, men and women, and to not kill people over religious differences, and not to have slaves!

Servants: Good gravy! He's as crazy as a loon.

Achish: What's all this then?

David: God says we should elect our leaders through a democratic vote!

Achish: He's obviously crazy. Do I need crazy men in my home? Why have you brought him to me?

Servants: Sorry, Lord! Won't happen again.

1 Samuel 20: Jonahan Helps David Escape Saul, Again

2010-08-22T04:38:00.000-07:00

David: Run away! From Naioth in Ramah!

LATER

David: Oh, hey, Jonathan! Good to see you!

Jonathan: Oh! David! I was sooooo worried.

David: Jonathan, what have I done? What is my iniquity? And what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?

Jonathan: God forbid, you shall not die. Behold, my father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will show it me and why should my father hide this thing from me? It is not so.

David: Your father certainly knows that I have found grace in your eyes and he says, "Let not Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved," but truly as the Lord lives, and as your soul lives, there is but a step between me and death.

Jonathan: David, whatsoever your soul desires, I will even do it for you. Whatever you desire.

David: It's so nice to have a gay friend like you. Behold, tomorrow is the new moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king at meat, but let me go, that I may hide myself in the field unto the third day at evening. If your father at all miss me, then say, "David earnestly asked leave of me that he might run to Bethlehem his city for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family." If he says, "It is well," your servant shall have peace, but if he be very mad, then be sure that evil is determined by him. Therefore you shall deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord with you. Notwithstanding, if there be in me iniquity, slay me yourself, for why should you bring me to your father?

Jonathan: Far be it from you, for if I knew certainly that evil were determined by my father to come upon you, then would I not tell you?

David: Who shall tell me? Or what if your father answers you roughly?

Jonathan: David, come, and let us go out into the field.

David: Okay.

Jonathan: David, O Lord God of Israel, when I have sounded my father about tomorrow any time, or the third day, and, behold, if there be good toward David, and I then send not unto you, and show it you, The Lord do so and much more to Jonathan, but if it please my father to do you evil, then I will show it you, and send you away, that you may go in peace and the Lord be with you, as he has been with my father. And you shall not only while yet I live shew me the kindness of the Lord, that I die not, but also you shall not cut off your kindness from my house forever, no, not when the Lord has cut off the enemies of David every one from the face of the earth. Let the Lord even require it at the hand of David's enemies.

David: Okay.

Jonathan: Now, swear again, because I loved you, as I love my own own soul.

David: Creepy.

Jonathan: Tomorrow is the new moon and you shall be missed, because your seat will be empty. And when you have stayed three days, then you shall go down quickly, and come to the place where you did hide yourself when the business was in hand, and shall remain by the stone Ezel. And I will shoot three arrows on the side thereof, as though I shot at a mark. And, behold, I will send a lad, saying, "Go, find out the arrows." If I expressly say unto the lad, "Behold, the arrows are on this side of you, take them;" then come, for there is peace to you, and no hurt, as the Lord lives. But if I say to the young man, "Behold, the arrows are beyond you," go your way, for the Lord has sent you away. And as touching the matter which you and I have spoken of, behold, the Lord be between you and me forever.

David: Okay. I'll go hide now.

Jonathan: Would you care for a blow-job first?

David: No. I'm good.

LATER

Saul: Well, it's the new moon, time to sit down and eat. Hmmm, David's not here. Something must have happened to him. He is not clean, surely, he is not clean.

NEXT DAY

Saul: Time to eat again. David's not here again. Jonathan, why does the son of Jesse not come to meat, neither yesterday, nor today?

Jonathan: David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem, And he said, "Let me go, I pray you, for our family has a sacrifice in the city, and my brother, he has commanded me to be there and now, if I have found favor in your eyes, let me get away, I pray you, and see my brethren." Therefore he comes not to the king's table.

Saul: Well, that kindles my anger against you, Jonathan. You son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own confusion, and unto the confusion of your mother's nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives upon the ground, you shalt not be established, nor your kingdom. Therefore now send and fetch him to me, for he shall surely die.

Jonathan: Why shall he be slain? What has he done?

Saul: What? That kind of backtalk deserves a javelining! Have at you!

Jonathan: Ha! You missed! Now I know you are determined to slay David. Good day!

Saul: But you haven't eaten.

Jonathan: I've lost my appetite! I said good day!

Saul: Such a fairy.

THE NEXT MORNING

Jonathan: Well, I better warn David, like I promised. Little lad, come with me to the field. I need you to help retrieve my arrows.

Little lad: Please, sir, my little bum has not recovered from the last time I had to "retrieve your arrows."

Jonathan: Ha! No lad, today your going to retrieve actual arrows.

Little lad: Oh, thank heavens.

Jonathan: Now, run, find out now the arrows which I shoot. Fire!

Little lad: You shot that one behind me, sir. Here it is.

Jonathan: Is not the arrow beyond you?

Little lad: No, it's right here. I'm staring right at it.

Jonathan: Make speed, haste, stay not.

Little lad: Coming as fast as I can, sir!

Jonathan: Good job, lad. Now, take my artillery back to the city.

Little lad: Sir, will that be all?

Jonathan: For now. Now, go!

David: He's gone?

Jonathan: Yep.

David: Silly, but I guess we didn't really need this little arrow shooting thing to tell me to run if we're just going to talk face to face, did we?

Jonathan: No, actually, we didn't.

David: Whoops!

Jonathan: You've fallen on your face.

David: Damned laces. I bow to you.

Jonathan: Now, now.

David: Give me a kiss.

Jonathan: I thought you'd never ask. I'm so happy, I could cry!

David: Me, too.

Jonathan: Go in peace, for as much as we have sworn both of us in the name of the Lord, saying, "The Lord be between me and you, and between my seed and your seed for ever."

David: Goodbye.

Jonathan: Now, back to the city. To "retrieve some arrows."

1 Samuel 19: Sike! Saul Tries to Kill David, Again

2010-08-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

Saul: Jonathan! Servants! Come here!

Jonathan: Yes, pops?

Saul: Enough pussy-footing around. It's time for you all to kill David.

Jonathan: Um, maybe.

LATER

Jonathan: I can't kill David. I delight much in him. I better tell him what's up. David!

David: Hi, Jonathan.

Jonathan: Sooooo dreamy.

David: Jonathan?

Jonathan: Saul, my father, seeks to kill you. Now therefore, I pray you, find some place to hide until the morning. And I will go out and stand beside my father in the field where you are, and I will talk with my father of you, and what I see, that I will tell you.

David: Okay.

LATER

Jonathan: David's such a cool guy, dad. Let not the king sin against his servant, against David, because he has not sinned against you, and because his works have been to you very good. For he did put his life in his hand, and slew the Philistine, and the Lord wrought a great salvation for all Israel, you saw it, and did rejoice. Why then will you sin against innocent blood, to slay David without a cause?

Saul: I think you've got the hots for him.

Jonathan: Is it that obvious?

Saul: Very well, as the Lord lives, he shall not be slain.

Jonathan: David! Dad said he won't kill you.

David: That's a relief.

Jonathan: Let's go see dad.

David: Okay.

Saul: Good to see you, David. Glad none of my servants killed you before I changed my mind. That would have been awkward.

David: Yes. Awkward.

LATER

Messenger: There's war, again.

David: Well, time to go kill me some Philistines.

Saul: Have fun.

David: I'm back. I slew them a great slaughter and they ran away.

Evil Spirit From the Lord: This is booooring. Time for some fun.

Saul: Why are you playing with my hand?

David: Just because. So, that's a nice javelin you got there.

Saul: Are you coming on to me?

David: I meant the wooden one, in your hand.

Saul: Going to have to be more specific.

David: The one you kill people with?

Saul: I'm just going to assume you're speaking of "Nancy" here. She's here...to kill you! Have at you!

David: Run away!

Saul: Damn! Missed again! Messengers! Go to David's house, to watch him, and to slay him in the morning.

Messenger: Uh, shouldn't you send assassins to do that?

Saul: Just go!

AT DAVID'S HOUSE

David: Your father is trying to kill me again!

Michal: If you do not save your life tonight, tomorrow you shall be slain. You better run. Out the window!

David: Good idea!

Michal: Now, I'll put a fake David in the bed, like so....

Messenger: Open up! We know you're in there!

Michal: Who is it?

Messengers: Saul's messengers, we're looking for David.

Michal: He is sick. He can't see you right now. Come back later.

Messengers: Oh. Okay. Sorry to have bothered you. Get well soon, David. Back to the palace!

AT THE PALACE

Messengers: So, she said he was sick, so we came back here.

Saul: Didn't I tell you to kill him?

Messengers: Yes?

Saul: So, if he's sick, it would make him easier to kill, right?

Messengers: Yes.

Saul: So, why did you not kill him?

Messengers: It wouldn't be sporting?

Saul: I should have sent assassins. Come on, messengers, I'll show you how it's done. Back to David's!

AT DAVIDS

Saul: Open up, Michal! I know you're in there! We've come to see David!

Michal: He's sick. Come back later.

Saul: Oh, no! I'm not failing for that. Let me in, right now!

Michal: Fine. But please be quiet. He's sleeping.

Saul: That's okay, I've come to kill him.

Michal: Well, why didn't you just say so, come right in. There he is.

Saul: This is just a pillow of goat's hair.

Michal: He never was that lively in bed.

Saul: Why have you deceived me so, and sent away my enemy, that he is escaped?

Michal: He said to me, "Let me go, why should I kill you?"

Saul: Oh. Well, okay. Back to the palace men!

AT RAMAH

David: Samuel! Saul's trying to kill me!

Samuel: Well, let's to dwell in Naioth.

David: Okay.

AT THE PALACE

Messenger: David's in Naioth in Ramah!

Saul: Wow. That was easy. They really suck at this hiding thing. Messengers, go take David.

Messengers: Can we at least have assassins as back-ups?

Saul: No. You've got to learn to kill on your own. You can't always rely on assassins to help you out all the time.

Messengers: Yes, Saul.

AT RAMAH

Messengers: There's David! He's in the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel is standing as appointed over them.

The Spirit of God: I'm coming upon the messengers of Saul!

Messenger: I feel like prophesying!

AT THE PALACE

Messenger: So, they started prophesying. I think they're not coming back.

Saul: Send more messengers!

LATER, AT THE PALACE

Messenger: They've also started prophesying.

Saul: More messengers! Go!

AGAIN, AT THE PALACE

Messenger: Third times not the charm. They've also started prophesying.

Saul: Fine. I guess I better handle this, personally.

Messenger: You think?

AT RAMAH, THE GREAT WELL AT SECHU

Saul: Where are are Samuel and David?

One: Behold, they be at Naioth in Ramah.

Saul: I knew that.

AT NAIOTH IN RAMAH

Saul: Now, where are they?

Spirit of God: I'm coming on Saul, as well!

Saul: Shit! Now I feel like prophesying. And getting naked. There must be something in the water here.

One: Wherefore they say, "Is Saul also among the prophets?"

Saul: Wherefore, indeed.

1 Samuel 18: Saul Hates David

2010-08-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

Jonathan: Well, David, I just want to say, that, today, my soul is knit with your soul, and I love you as my own soul.

Saul: Wow. That is so...wow.

Jonathan: Little gay?

Saul: No. Not a little gay. A lot gay. Now, watch how gay I can be. David, you're living with me from now on. No more going back to your father's house.

Jonathan: Good try, Saul, but no one out gays me. David, I'm going to strip, right here, right now, and give you my robe, my clothes, my sword, my bow and my girdle.

Saul: You win. I can't be more gay than that.

Jonathan: You know it.

Saul: Okay, David, I'm going to set you over all the the men of war. I'm sure they'll have no problem being accepted, seeing as how you made that one lucky shot that killed Goliath. I mean, sure, it doesn't prove you're a good military strategist, but who cares about that?

David: Not me.

Saul: Oh, look, here come some women to welcome us back from the slaughter of the Philistines. Singing and dancing, with tabrets, with joy, and with instruments of music.

Women: Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.

Saul: What the hell!?! They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousands and what can he have more but the kingdom?

David: Gee, that really is out of line. I only killed one guy. How strange.

Saul: I've got my eye on you, you know.

LATER

Evil Spirit from God: I'm bored.

God: Why not go down and have some fun with Saul.

Evil Spirit: Like how?

God: I'm sure you'll think of something. Go on, now. Git!

Evil Spirit: Yay!

AT SAUL'S PLACE

Evil Spirit: On coming on Saul!

David: With a banjo on my knee!

Saul: David, think fast!

David: Whoah!

Saul: Damn! I will smite David even to the wall. Again!

David: Too slow! What's with you throwing javelins at me?!?

Saul: Just...playing. Well, time for bed.

David: Good night.

Saul: I'm afraid of David. The Lord is with him. Or I really need to practice with my javelin. I know, I'll get rid of him by making him a captain over a thousand. That should do it.

LATER

Israelite: Wow, Saul, David is behaving himself really wisely.

Saul: Yes, the Lord is with him. That makes me fear him even more. I better do something. Call David to me.

David: You called, Saul?

Saul: Behold my elder daughter Merab, her will I give you to wife, only be you valiant for me, and fight the Lord's battles. Let not mine hand be upon him, but let the hand of the Philistines be upon him.

David: What?

Saul: Did I say that last part aloud? Uh, just ignore it. Ignore it.

David: Okay. Saul, Who am I? And what is my life, or my father's family in Israel, that I should be son in law to the king?

Saul: Is that a no?

David: I think so.

Saul: Okay. No big deal. I'll give her to Adriel the Meholathite to wife.

Michal: Father, I love David.

David: Yes, she does.

Saul: This pleases me. I will give him her, that she may be a snare to him, and that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.

David: What?

Saul: Did I do it, again? Just ignore me. You shalt this day be my son in law in the one of the twain.

David: I don't know. I'll think about it.

Saul: Okay. Now, go away. Servants, come here. Commune with David secretly, and say, "Behold, the king has delight in you, and all his servants love you, now therefore be the king's son in law."

Servants: Okay.

LATER

Servants: So, be the king's son in law.

David: Seems it to you a light thing to be a king's son in law, seeing that I am a poor man, and lightly esteemed?

LATER

Servants: That's what he said.

Saul: Tell David, "The king desires not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies."

Servants: Gross.

Saul: Yeah, I figure he'll be killed trying.

Servants: Ahh. Still, gross.

LATER

Servants: So, for 100 dick skins, you get his daughter.

David: Cool! I'll do it! Men, to me!

David's men: Where we going?

David: To cut off the dick skins of a hundred, no, make it two hundred, Philistines to give to Saul, so I can marry his daughter.

David's men: Gross.

LATER

David: Here you go, Saul. Two hundred dick skins of the Philistines.

Saul: I only asked for one hundred.

David: You can never have too many dick skins! Now, you can make yourself a coat!

Saul: Tempting. Anyway, here's Michal. Have fun. Douchebag.

David: What?

Saul: Nothing. Now, go away.

David: Okay.

Saul: Now, I'm even more afraid of David. He is now my enemy continually.

Servants: Wow, you really are a jackass. He's done nothing to you but dodge your javelins. And behave himself wisely.

Saul: Yeah, well, I blame that evil spirit sent by God. It's all him, I tell you.

Servants: If you say so.

1 Samuel 17: Spoiler Alert! David Kills Goliath

2010-08-15T01:42:00.000-07:00

Philistines: Okay, army, this looks like a nice place to camp. It's called Shochoh, which belongs to Judah, and is between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.

Saul: Okay, men of Israel, we'll camp here, by the valley of Elah. And set the battle in array against the Philistines.

Philistines: Oh, nice. Copycats. This means war!

Israelites: Gosh, we stand on this mountain on the one side, and they stand on a mountain on the other side. And there s a valley between them.

Saul: Yep. Stalemate.

Goliath of Philistine: Hey, you!

Saul: Can I help...holy shit!

Israelite: That dude's at least six cubits and a span tall! And check out his hat and coat of armor. It must weigh at least five thousand shekels of brass!

Saul: Yes, he is impressive.

Israelite: And check out the greaves of brass upon his legs, and the target of brass between his shoulders. And his staff is like a weaver's beam. His spear's head must weigh six hundred shekels of iron! Dude's huge!

Saul: Are you done?

Israelite: Just saying.

Goliath: Armies of Israel, why are you come out to set your battle in array? Am not I a Philistine, and you servants to Saul? Choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me. If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants, but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall you be our servants, and serve us. I defy the armies of Israel this day, give me a man, that we may fight together.

Saul: I'm dismayed. And greatly afraid. We don't have to take him up on his offer, right? We can still just fight them the good old way, army against army, right?

Israelite: Well, I sure as shit ain't taking him on. Maybe we can just ignore him are he'll go away?

Saul: Yeah, that's it. We'll just wait him out.

FORTY DAYS LATER

Saul: Well?

Israelite: Still there.

Saul: Shit.

David: Hi!

Saul: What are you doing here?

David: Well, my father sent me to bring some corn and bread to my three brothers, Eliab, Abinadab, and Shammah, who are in your army, and some cheeses to your captains.

Saul: That's nice.

Goliath: I'm still waiting!

David: Geeze, who's the giant?

Saul: That's Goliath.

David: Everyone is running away from him.

Saul: Well, yeah. Look at the dude.

David: Have you asked God to smite him dead for you?

Saul: Yeah. But I guess he's too busy or something.

David: Did you use the Ark on him?

Saul: Yep. He seems immune. I've told all the Israelites that the man who kills him, I will enrich him with great riches, and will give him my daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. But no takers.

David: So this uncircumcised Philistine can defy the armies of the living God?

Saul: Pretty much. Maybe that's why he can defy God? He still has all his penis?

Eliab: Hey, David! Why have you come here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your pride, and the naughtiness of you heart, for you have come down that you might see the battle.

David: What have I now done? Is there not a cause?

Eliab: I guess.

David: Saul, let no man's heart fail because of him, your servant will go and fight with this Philistine.

Saul: You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him, for you are but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.

David: Your servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock, and I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. I slew both the lion and the bear and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he has defied the armies of the living God. The Lord that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine.

Saul: Right, a lion and a bear. Sure, David, I believe you. Fine. Go, and the Lord be with you. Here, take my armor, and this brass helmet, and this a coat of mail.

David: Too...heavy.

Saul: Problem?

David: Uh, no, no problem. But, uh, I cannot go with these, for I have not proved them. Help me get them off.

Saul: Suit yourself.

David: I'll just take my staff and five smooth stones for my sling. That should do.

Saul: Good luck.

Israelite: Uh, if he gets his ass handed to him, won't we lose the war?

Saul: Nah, we'll just say we didn't know him.

Israelite: Good plan.

David: Hi!

Goliath: Uh, yes?

David: I've come to fight you.

Goliath: I disdain you. You are but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.

David: Don't come on to me, big guy. Have at you!

Goliath: Am I a dog, that you come to me with staves? I curse you, by my gods! Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.

David: You come to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day will the Lord deliver you into my hand, and I will smite you, and take your head from you, and I will give the carcasses of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear, for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hands.

Goliath: Well, it only took forty days to do it, but go ahead and try. Have at you!

David: Slingshot! Away!

Israelite: Wow! That stone hit him smack in the forehead!

Goliath: Lucky...shot.

*THUD*

David: Wow. Uh, I mean, see!

Israelite: I think he may still be alive. His starting to twitch a bit.

David: Quick, I've got to chop his hear off.

Israelite: You don't have a sword. See, his toes moved a little.

David: No time! I'll use his sword. And....

*CHOP*

Israelite: Oh, gross.

Philistines: That little gay boy killed Goliath! Run away!

Saul: Now's our chance! Get them!

Philistines: Stop chasing us! We give up! All our wounded have fallen down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.

Saul: Alright, guys. That's enough. Let's go back and spoil their tents. So, David, what you going to do now?

David: Well, I'll take Goliath's head and bring it to Jerusalem, but I'll put his armor in my tent.

Saul: Good plan. Avoid the stink of rotting flesh that way. By the way, whose son are you?

David: I'm the son of Jesse, the Bethlehemite.

Saul: Good to know.

1 Samuel 16: David Gets Anointed, God sends Evil Spirits To Saul

2010-08-08T04:32:00.000-07:00

Lord: Samuel, How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing as I have rejected him from reigning over Israel?

Samuel: Leave me alone.

Lord: Crybaby. Fill your horn with oil, and go, I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite for I have provided me a king among his sons.

Samuel: How can I go? If Saul hears of it, he will kill me.

God: Take a heifer with you, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the Lord. And call Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do and you shall anoint unto me him whom I name to you.

Samuel: That doesn't answer the Saul question, but I'll do it.

IN BETHLEHEM

Elders of the town: Come you peaceably?

Samuel: Peaceably? Of course! I have come to sacrifice to the Lord. Sanctify yourselves, and come with me to the sacrifice. Especially, you, Jesse and your sons. Come to the sacrifice.

Jesse: Okay, we will.

AT THE SACRIFICE

Jesse: This is my son, Eliab....

Sumuel: Surely the Lord's anointed is before me.

God: Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature, because I have refused him, for I see not as man sees, for man looks on the outward appearance, but the I look on the heart. And don't call me Shirley.

Jesse: And this is Abinadab...

Samuel: Him?

God: No.

Jesse: This is Shammah....

Samuel: Him?

God: Nope.

Jesse: And these are four more of my sons.

Samuel: Any of them?

God: No, Nyet, Nah, and maybe.

Samuel: Really?

God: No.

Samuel: So, Jesse, The Lord has not chosen any of these.

Jesse: Chosen them not for what?

Samuel: Uh, nothing. So, are all your children here?

Jesse: There remains yet the youngest, and, behold, he keeps the sheep.

Samuel: Send and fetch him for we will not sit down till he comes.

Jesse: Suit yourself. Here he comes. His name is David.

Samuel: He is ruddy, and with a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to.

God: Yeah, he's the one. Arise and anoint him.

Samuel: I thought you said looks weren't important to you.

God: I lied.

Samuel: Come here, David. Let me pour the horn of oil over your head...

David: Gross.

Spirit of the Lord: I'm coming all over David, from this day forward!

David: Grosser.

Samuel: Well, my job here is done. I'm going to Ramah.

Spirit of the Lord: I'll depart from Saul.

Evil Spirit from the Lord: Do you mind if I take over Saul and trouble him?

Spirit of the Lord: Go right ahead! God would not have sent you if he didn't want you to cause Samuel trouble.

Evil Spirit from the Lord: Wheeeeeee!

Saul's servant: Saul, an evil spirit from God troubles you. Let our lord now command your servants, which are before you, to seek out a man, who is a cunning player on an harp, and it shall come to pass, when the evil spirit from God is upon you, that he shall play with his hand, and you shalt be well.

Saul: Wow. You are really on the ball. Good job. Provide me now a man that can play well, and bring him to me.

One of the servants: Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, that is cunning in playing, and a mighty valiant man, and a man of war, and prudent in matters, and a comely person, and the Lord is with him.

Saul: Who is he, your boyfriend? Messengers, go to Jesse, and say, "Send me David your son, which is with the sheep."

AT JESSE'S

Jesse: Okay. David, grab an ass, put on it some bread, and a bottle of wine, and a kid, and take them to Saul.

David: Okay.

AT SAUL'S

David: Hi, I'm David.

Saul: Ah, wow. I think I'm in love. Would you like to be my armourbearer?

David: You've not going to rape me, are you?

Saul: Maybe, just a little.

David: Okay.

Saul: Messengers, go to Jesse, saying, "Let David, I pray you, stand before me, for he has found favour in my sight."

LATER

Jesse: Guess I will.

Saul: So, David, when the evil spirit from God is upon me, you take your harp, and play it, and I'll be refreshed and well, and the evil spirit will depart from me. Any questions?

David: Just one. So, God controls evil spirits and makes them do harm to people?

Saul: Absolutely.

David: Learn something new everyday.

1 Samuel 15: God Hates PETA

2010-08-08T03:32:00.000-07:00

Samuel: Saul, The Lord sent me to anoint you to be king over his people, over Israel. Now, therefore, listen to the voice of the words of the Lord.

Saul: I'm all ears.

Samuel: God says, go kill some people. Specifically, go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have. Clay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

Saul: Okay, God. To me, my men!

Men: Here we are.

Saul: Let's see, there's about two hundred thousand footmen, and ten thousand men of Judah. That will do nicely. God says, let's go kill!

Men: Yeah! We love killing!

AT THE CITY OF AMALEK

Saul: Here we are, guys, Amalek. Oh, wait, I see some Kenites. I don't want to kill them. Yo! Kenites, get away from among the Amalekites, lest I destroy you with them, for you shewed kindness to all the children of Israel, when they came up out of Egypt.

Kenites: Hey, thanks, Saul! Suck it, Amalekites!

Saul: That's better. Now...ATTACK!

Amalekites: Run away!

Saul: What a nice day to do some murder. And such a nice way to visit the new places. Slice, slice. Hey, is that, Agag, King of the Amalekites?

Agag: you got me, Saul. Good job. I yield.

Saul: Good for you, but let me just finish up here utterly destroying all your people with the edge of the sword.

Agag: Take your time.

Saul: Thrust! There, now that's a smiting.

Agag: Well, it's just me and the best of the sheep, oxen, fatlings, and the lambs, now.

Saul: Yes, we'll keep the animals. I know God said to kill them, but, really, they haven't done anything wrong.

God: Samuel, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king for he has turned back from following me, and has not performed my commandments.

Samuel: What commandment, God?

God: They one to kill all the animals of the Amalekites. I hate those animals. I'd kill them myself, but I've got some kids to give cancer to.

Samuel: Oh, that's terrible.

God: Are you crying? Are you crying!?! There's no crying in genocide!

Samuel: Boo hoo!

God: I'm out of here.

NEXT MORNING

Samuel: Hi, Saul.

Saul: Wow, you look terrible. Like you've been crying all night. Like a pussy.

Samuel: No! I haven't!

Saul: Whatever. Blessed be you of the Lord, I have performed the commandment of the Lord.

Samuel: Oh, really? Then what means then this bleating of the sheep in mine ears, and the lowing of the oxen which I hear?

Saul: They have brought them from the Amalekites, for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen, to sacrifice unto the Lord your God, and the rest we have utterly destroyed.

Samuel: Saul, Stay, and I will tell you what the Lord has said to me this night.

Saul: Go on.

Samuel: When you were little in you own sight, was you not made the head of the tribes of Israel, and the Lord anointed you king over Israel?

Saul: I was.

Samuel: And the Lord sent you on a journey, and said, "Go and utterly destroy the sinners the Amalekites, and fight against them until they be consumed." Why then did you not obey the voice of the Lord, but did fly upon the spoil, and did evil in the sight of the Lord?

Saul: Samuel, I have obeyed the voice of the Lord, and have gone the way which the Lord sent me, and have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and have utterly destroyed the Amalekites. But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the chief of the things which should have been utterly destroyed, to sacrifice unto the Lord your God in Gilgal.

Samuel: Has the Lord as great a delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has also rejected you from being king.

Saul: Well, fine. Samuel, I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord, and your words because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice, instead of killing all the animals like god told me too. Now therefore, I pray you, pardon my sin, and turn again with me, that I may worship the Lord.

Samuel: Saul, I will not return with you, for you have rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord has rejected you from being king over Israel.

Saul: so, God won't forgive me, then?

Samuel: Nope. And watch this! Samuelmania, running wild! ARRRR!

Saul: You've torn your shirt.

Samuel: I meant to do that. The Lord has rent the kingdom of Israel from you this day, and has given it to a neighbour of your, that is better than you.

Saul: Harsh.

Samuel: And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent, for he is not a man, that he should repent.

Saul: I have sinned. Yet, honour me now, I pray you, before the elders of my people, and before Israel, and turn again with me, that I may worship the Lord you God.

Samuel: Okay.

Saul: See, I'm worshiping you, Lord.

Samuel: Bring Agag the king of the Amalekites to me.

Agag: Oh, hi! Surely the bitterness of death is past?

Samuel: As your sword has made women childless, so shall your mother be childless among women. Have at you!

Agag: AGGGGGAGGGGGG!

Saul: Huh, killing unarmed and defenseless prisoners of war? Seems like there should be a law against that.

Samuel: Whew, I've hewed Agag to pieces.

Saul: Gross.

Samuel: so, long, Saul, I'm going back to Ramah.

Saul: And I'm going back to my house to Gibeah of Saul.

Samuel: 'll never see you again, Saul. But, I'll mourn for you when you die.

Saul: Thanks.

God: And I'll repent that I even made Saul king over Israel. I guess one of these days I should use my powers to look into the future so these sort of things don't happen. Oh, well.