2 Kings 3: Three Kings Against Moab

Jehoram the son of Ahab: Now, that I'm king of Israel, I think I'll do evil in the sight of God. Not like my father or mother's evil, but like Jeroboam evil.

Mesha king of Moab: Now, with Ahab dead, I'm going to rebel against the king of Israel.

LATER

King Jehoram: Mesha is revolting. Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, the king of Moab has rebelled against me, will you go with me against Moab to battle?

Jehoshaphat: I will go up, I am as you are, my people as your people, and my horses as your horses.

Jeroham: Which way shall we go up?

Jehoshaphat: The way through the wilderness of Edom.

SEVEN DAYS LATER

King of Israel: Uh, did someone forget something?

King of Judah: You mean, like water?

King of Edom: I thought that was your job.

King of Israel: Alas! The Lord has called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab!

Jehoshaphat: Is there a prophet of the Lord, that we may inquire of the Lord?

Servant: Elisha the son of Shaphat, which poured water on the hands of Elijah, is around here somewhere.

Jehoshaphat: Yes, he'll do. The word of the LORD is with him. Let's go see him. All of us.

LATER

Three Kings: Hi, Elisha.

Elisha: What have I to do with you? Go to the prophets of your father, and to the prophets of your mother.

King of Israel: No, for the Lord has called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab.

Elisha: As the Lord of hosts lives, before whom I stand, surely, were it not that I regard the presence of Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would not look toward you, nor see you. But now bring me a minstrel.

Minstrel: You called?

Elisha: Play something jaunty.

Minstral: Will do.

Elisha: That's good.

God: Take that, Elisha! *Whack!*

Elisha: The hand of the Lord just cam upon me. Thus says the Lord, "Make this valley full of ditches. You shall not see wind, neither shall you see rain, yet that valley shall be filled with water, that you may drink, both you, and your cattle, and your beasts.

Jehoshaphat: Oh, course! Dig wells! Why didn't we think of that.

Elisha: And this is but a light thing in the sight of the Lord, he will deliver the Moabites also into your hand. And you shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones.

King of Israel: I like the way you think, God. Total war.

NEXT MORNING

Elisha: See, water by the way of Edom.

MEANWHILE

Moabites: The three kings have come to fight us. Everyone, put on your armor and stand at the border. Gosh, look over there. The water over there is red as blood. Surely, the three kings have slaughtered each other.

One Moabite: Uh, guys, the sun has just come up and is shining on the water. It's pretty, but I doubt that's blood.

Moabites: Shut up, you. Let's go down and see for ourselves.

Isrealites: Yawn! Man, what a good sleep. Hey, look everyone, the Moabbites are in our camp! Get them!

Moabites: Run away!

Israelites: Wheeee! We got them! Now, men, destroy their cities, destroy their farmland and wells! Kill all the good trees! Wheeee, mindless destruction is fun!

King of Moab: We must stop them! I need 700 men! Come with me, we must stop them!

Israelites: Ha! Not a chance!

King of Moab: Eldest son, come here. Son, I've got bad news and worse news.

Eldest son: What is it, father?

King of Moab: Well, son, the bad news is that you will not be king.

Eldest son: And the worse news?

King of Moab: I'm going to offer you as a burnt offering upon the wall.

Eldest son: ...That is worse news.