2 Kings 1: God Tells Ahaziah He's Gonna Die!

Moab: So, Ahab is dead. Time to rebel!

ELSEWHERE

Ahaziah: Whoh! I just fell down through a lattice in my upper chamber in Samaria. I feel sick. Messenger!

Messengers: Yes?

Ahaziah: Go, inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease.

Servants: Okay.

ELSEWHERE

Angel of the Lord: Elijah! Hey, Elijah!

Elijah: Oh, hey, Angel of the Lord. Can I help you?

Angel of the Lord: Yes. Get up and meet the messengers of the king of Samaria, and say to them, "Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that you go to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now, therefore, says the Lord, 'You shall not come down from that bed on which you are gone up, but shall surely die.'"

Elijah: And this will mean something to them?

Angel of the Lord: Yep.

LATER

Elijah: So, that's what God said. Any questions?

Messengers: No.

LATER

Ahaziah: Messengers, back already?

Messengers: Some guy came up to us and told us to tell you that God said, "Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that you send to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Therefore, you shall not come down from that bed on which you are gone up, but shall surely die."

Ahaziah: What manner of man was he that came up to meet you, and told you these words?

Messenger: He was a hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins.

Ahaziah: Elijah. I knew it. Captain!

Captain: Yes?

Ahaziah: Go get him.

Captain: Will do.

LATER

Captain: You there, you man of God, the king has said, "Come down."

Elijah: If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume you and your fifty.

God: Oh, hey, fun! Lightening strike!

Captain: AAAAARRRGH!

LATER

Ahaziah: Captain #2, go get Elijah.

Captain: Okay?

LATER

Captain: Elijah, O man of God, thus has the king said, "Come down quickly." Please don't hurt me.

Elijah: If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume you and your fifty.

Captain: We believe you! It's not my fault! Kill Ahaziah instead!

God: Lightening strike!

Captain: ARRRRGGH!

LATER

Ahaziah: Captain #3!

Captain:...Yes, sir?

Ahaziah: Go get him.

Captain: Sir, can I at least go alone, so I can spare my men?

Ahaziah: No. Take them as well.

LATER

Captain: Elijah, O man of God, I pray you, let my life, and the life of these fifty your servants, be precious in your sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties, therefore let my life now be precious in your sight.

Elijah: Yeah, uh, you do know that I asked that God killed them, right? Why should you be any different?

Angel of God: Elijah, go down with him, be not afraid of him.

Elijah: Okay.

LATER

Ahaziah: So, there you are Elijah. Finally.

Elijah: Thus says the Lord, "Forasmuch as you have sent messengers to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to inquire of his word? Therefore you shall not come down off that bed on which you art gone up, but shall surely die."

Ahaziah: Fine. ARRRGGGH!

Captain: Geeze, you just had to kill 102 men for that?

Jehoram: Yay! I'm the new king!

Captain: I need a drink.