THREE YEARS LATER
Jehoshaphat the king of Judah: Well, there's been three years of peace. I better go down to the king of Israel and stir things up.
MEANWHILE
Ahab, thee king of Israel: Servants, you know that Ramoth in Gilead is ours, and we have not taken it from the king of Syria?
Servants: Sure.
Ahab: Jehoshaphat, will you go with me to battle to Ramothgilead?
Jehoshaphat: I am as you are, my people as your people, my horses as your horses. But, ask at the word of the Lord today.
Ahab: Fine, prophets, should I go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall I forbear?
400 prophets: Go up, for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.
Ahab: See? 400 prophets can't be wrong.
Jehoshaphat: Is there not here a prophet of the Lord besides, that we might ask of him?
Ahab: There is yet one man, Micaiah the son of Imlah, by whom we may enquire of the Lord. But I hate him for he does not prophesy good concerning me, but evil.
Jehoshaphat: Let not the king say so.
Ahab: Fine. Officer, go get Micaiah the son of Imlah. Quickly. While we're waiting, we might as well let the other prophets prophesy for us.
Jehoshaphat: Should be good for a laugh. Call the first prophet.
Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah: Hi. Look. I made horns of iron. Thus says the Lord, "With these shall you push the Syrians, until you have consumed them."
Ahab: Very nice.
MEANWHILE
Messenger: Message for Micaiah! I have a message for Micaiah!
Micaiah: That's me.
Messenger: Ahab wants to see you. Please, all the other prophets are saying good things to him. Don't rock the boat, please?
Micaiah: As the Lord lives, what the Lord says to me, that will I speak.
Messenger: Pisser.
LATER
Ahab: So, Micaiah, shall we go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall we forbear?
Micaiah: Go, and prosper, for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.
Ahab: I don't believe you. How many times shall I adjure you that you tell me nothing but that which is true in the name of the Lord?
Micaiah: Fine. I saw all Israel scattered upon the hills, as sheep that have not a shepherd, and the Lord said, "These have no master, let them return every man to his house in peace."
Ahab: See, Jehoshaphat? Did I not tell you that he would prophesy no good concerning me, but evil?
Micaiah: Hear you therefore the word of the Lord. I saw the Lord sitting on his throne, and all the host of heaven standing by him on his right hand and on his left. And the Lord said, "Who shall persuade Ahab, that he may go up and fall at Ramothgilead?" And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, "I will persuade him." And the Lord said unto him, "How?" And he said, "I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets." And he said, "You shalt persuade him, and prevail also, go forth, and do so." Now therefore, behold, the Lord has put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these your prophets, and the Lord has spoken evil concerning you.
Ahab: What a prick. So, God wants me to fall at Ramothgilead, and he's willing to trick me into doing it with lies. What a bastard.
Micaiah: So, you believe me?
Ahab: Nah. But it sure sounds like something God would do. But why would he let you know the truth of his plan to trick me? Surely, he's smart enough to know not to let his top secret plans to trick someone get out. Otherwise, he'd have to be an idiot.
Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah: Feel my pimp hand, Micaiah!
Micaiah: Ow! Why'd you smack me!
Zedekiah: Which way went the Spirit of the Lord from me to speak to you?
Micaiah: You shall see in that day, when you shall go into an inner chamber to hide yourself.
Ahab: Take Micaiah, and carry him back unto Amon the governor of the city, and to Joash the king's son. And say, "Thus says the king, put this fellow in the prison, and feed him with bread of affliction and with water of affliction, until I come in peace."
Micaiah: If you return at all in peace, the Lord has not spoken by me. Hearken, O people, every one of you.
Ahab: So, Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, ready to go to Ramothgilead?
Jehoshaphat: Yes.
Ahab: I will disguise myself, and enter into the battle, but put on your robes.
Jehoshaphat: Seems risky.
Ahab: Sure, but that's just the kind of guy I am.
MEANWHILE
King of Syria: Captains, fight neither with small nor great, save only with the king of Israel.
Captains: Yes, sir!
LATER
Captains: There's Ahab! Get him!
Jehoshaphat: Help!
Captains: That's not Ahab! Break off, men.
Ahab: Ha! Fooled them! Nah, nah nah nah, OW!
Chariot driver: Uh, sir, you've got an arrow in you. Right in the joint of your harness. Good shot.
Ahab: Thanks, idiot, I can see that. Now, take me off the field. I'll just watch the battle from here. I feel woozy.
Chariot driver: Well, you're bleeding like a stuck pig.
Ahab:....
Chariot driver: Medic!
Medic: He's dead.
Chariot driver: Okay, fellas, listen up! I said, LISTEN UP! Thank you. Now, everyone go home, Ahab is dead, there's no need to keep fighting. Go home. Nothing more to see here. Go home.
Medic: Uh, what about Ahab's body?
Driver: We'll bury it in Samaria. Better get going.
LATER
Medic: Done and done.
Chariot driver: Hey, look, those dogs are licking up Ahab's blood from my chariot. Just like God said. Aren't they adorable!
Medic: They think they're people!
Ahaziah, Ahab's son: Well, I guess, I'm the new king! Woohoo!
Chariot driver: What happened to Jehoshaphat?
Ahaziah: Good question.
LATER
Jehoshaphat the son of Asa: Wow, what a close one. Guess God really did try to trick us into coming here. What a prick. I better make peace with him before he does the same to me. At least I get to reign over Judah now. And I'm only 35. First, thing I'm going to do is get rid of those sodomites. That will make God happy. Then I'll try to get some gold from Ophir. That's a good plan.
LATER
Jehoshaphat: Well, that was not a good plan. Time to die.
Jehoram, his son: Yay! Now, I'm king!
Ahaziah the son of Ahab: But I'm the king of Israel. And I'm going to serve Baal, because that seemed to work out so well for everyone else!
God: Not this shit, again.
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