1 Kings 20: God Hates Compassion

Messenger: Message, message for Ahab, King of Israel!

Ahab: That's me.

Messenger: I, Benhadad the king of Syria, have gathered all my host together and 32 kings and have taken Samaria. Stop. Plus, I will have your silver, gold, wives and children. Stop. Suck it. Stop.

Ahab: You tell him, that, my lord, O king, I am yours, and all that I have.

Messenger: Man, you are easy. I'll go and tell Benhadad.

LATER

Messenger: Another message for Ahab.

Ahab: Yes?

Messenger: I, Benhadad, am sending three servants to your home and seize anything that you like. Stop.

Ahab: Hmmm. I see. Elders of the Land, to me!

Elders of Land: Yes?

Ahab: Benhadad seeks trouble. He's told me to send him my wives, children, silver and gold. And I agreed.

Elders: Well, that was dumb. Don't do it.

Ahab: Well, I already told him I would.

Messenger: I'm waiting for an answer.

Ahab: Well, tell him I"ll do the first thing, sending my wives, kids, silver and gold. I don't really like them anyway. But not the second thing.

Messenger: I'll tell him. But I don't think he'll like it.

LATER

Messenger: Ahab, Benhadad says, "The gods do so to me, and more also, if the dust of Samaria shall suffice for handfuls for all the people that follow me."

Ahab: Well, you tell him I said, "Let not him that girds on his harness boast himself as he that puts it off."

LATER

Messenger: That's what he said.

Benhadad: Well, thash jush great. Well, fine, servants, Set yourselfs in array against the shitty. I mean, city. Damn, thish is goooood alki-hol.

LATER

Prophet: Ahab? God has a message for you.

Ahab: Geeze, more messages. Hit me.

Prophet: God says, "Have you seen all this great multitude? Behold, I will deliver it into your hand this day, and you shall know that I am the Lord.

Ahab: By whom?

Prophet: Thus says the Lord, "Even by the young men of the princes of the provinces."

Ahab: Who shall order the battle?

Prophet: You.

Ahab: Excellent. Number the man and organize the people. Let's get this party started.

Servant: There are 232 young men, and 7000 people.

Ahab: And it's noon. Let's go.

AT BENHADAD'S

Benhadad: Man, I am sssoooooo drunk. What 'bout you'se guys?

Thirty-Two Kings: Totally wasted, dude.

Young Princes of the Provinces: King Hadad, some men are coming out of Samaria.

Benhadad: Well, if they come for peace, take them alive. If not, well, still take them alive.

Young Princes: Take them alive. Got it. Are you coming with us?

Benhadad: Shure, why not?

LATER

Princes of Provinces: Hi! We've come to take you alive.

Israelites: We've come to kill you. Have at you!

Princes of Provinces: Ulp!

Benhadad: Whooopsh! Better run away! Run away horsie! Run away!

Ahab: Awesome, men! We've got them on the run! Kill them all.

Servant: King Benhadad escaped.

Ahab: Every single time. Shit.

Prophet: Go, strengthen yourself, and mark, and see what you do, for at the return of the year the king of Syria will come up against you.

Ahab: So, why wait? Let me go kill him now!

Prophet: Um, no.

Ahab: Stupid God.

LATER, AT BENHADAD

Servants: Their gods are gods of the hills, therefore they were stronger than we. But let us fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they.

Benhadad: Yes, that is sound religious reasoning.

Servant: Also, take the kings away and put captains in their rooms, and number our army, like the army that you have lost, horse for horse, and chariot for chariot, and we will fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they.

Benhadad: Okay. But, if we field twice as many men and chariots as we did before AND fight in the plain, we'll be even more sure of winning.

Servants: Yes, but that won't prove our religious theory that our plains Gods are stronger than their mountain Gods.

Benhadad: Who gives a shit? I just want to win.

Servants: Please?

Benhadad: Fine.

THE NEXT TURN OF THE YEAR

Benhadad: Okay, Syrians, I've numbered you. Now, we go up to Aphek, to fight against Israel.

Ahab: Two can play that game. Israel, pitch before them!

Servants: Goodness, the Syrians fill the country.

Man of God: Ahab, the Lord says, "Because the Syrians have said, The Lord is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the Lord."

Ahab: Ha! Sweet! That will teach you to insult my God!

SEVEN DAYS LATER

Ahab: Geeze, this is taking longer than I thought.

Servants: Ahab! The battle is joined, we slain 100,000 footmen in one day! The rest have fled to Aphek. Then a wall fell on the 27,000 that were left. Benhadad is holed up in an inner chamber! We've won!

Ahab: Excellent!

MEANWHILE

Benhadad: So much for your religious theories, huh?

Servants: Behold now, we have heard that the kings of the house of Israel are merciful kings, let us, I pray you, put sackcloth on our loins, and ropes upon our heads, and go out to the king of Israel, perhaps he will save your life.

Benhadad: Sure, why not?

SOON

Ahab: Hi, Benhadad, my brother. Nice sackcloth you've got there.

Benhadad: The cities, which my father took from your father, I will restore, and you shall make streets for you in Damascus, as my father made in Samaria.

Ahab: I will send you away with this covenant. Now, git.

A Certain man of the sons of the prophets: Neighbor, in the word of the Lord, Smite me, I pray you.

Neighbor: No.

Certain man of the sons of the prophets: Because you have not obeyed the voice of the Lord, behold, as soon as you are departed from me, a lion shall slay you.

Neighbor: Really? First, I don't hear the voice of the Lord, I hear your voice. And, even if you speak for God, he is an ass to ask me to smite you, and a double ass if he kills me for not doing so. Good day!

Lion: Rowwr!

Neighbor: Screw you, God. ARRRRGGH!

Certain man: Let's see. Hey, you, Smite me, I pray you.

Man: Okay.

Prophet: Ouch. Thanks.

Man: Any time.

Prophet: Now, I'll disguise myself with ashes upon his face and wait for the king to walk by. There he is now! My king, your servant went out into the midst of the battle, and, behold, a man turned aside, and brought a man to me, and said, "Keep this man, if by any means he be missing, then shall your life be for his life, or else you shall pay a talent of silver." And as your servant was busy here and there, he was gone.

Ahab: So shall your judgment be, you have decided it.

Prophet: Aha!

Ahab: I see, you are one of the prophets!

Prophet: Thus says the Lord, "Because you have let go out of your hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people."

Ahab: Really? God hates compassion, huh? You tell God I said, "Fuck you." I'm going to Samara.