1 Kings 19: Elijah Goes on The Run

Ahab: So, Jezebel, it looks like Baal lost. And Elijah then had all the Baal priests slain.

Jezebel: Oh, Baal lost, did he? Messenger, go to Elijah and tell him, "Let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time."

Messenger: Let the who do the what now?

Jezebel: He knows what it means.

LATER

Elijah: Great Scott! Jezebel wants to kill me. Too bad God is too busy to do something about it, I better run away! To Beersheba!

LATER, IN BEERSHEBA

Elijah: Okay, servant, you stay here, while I go into the wilderness to talk to God.

Servant: Okay.

LATER, UNDER A JUNIPER TREE

Elijah: Oh, God, please let me die. I am no better than my fathers. Man, so sleepy.

Angel: Hey, Elijah! Wake up and eat.

Elijah: Huh, whatzat? Hey, look at that, a cake baked on the coals, and a cruse of water at my head. Who know angels knew how to cook? Yummy. Tastes great. But I'm so sleepy again.

Angel: Hey, Elijah, get up and eat, the journey is too great for you.

Elijah: Well, okay. If you say so. I guess I better get walking. I guess I'll go to Horeb, the mountain of God.

FORTY DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS LATER

Elijah: Man! What was in that angel bread? I've haven't had to eat anything since I ate that stuff. And here I am, Horeb. that cave looks like a good place to hang for a bit.

God: Hey, Elijah, what you doing here?

Elijah: Everyone's trying to kill me, Lord. Israel's forsaken your covenant, destroyed all your alters, killed all your prophets. I'm the only one left. It's a total bummer.

God: What about that cool lightshow I just did?

Elijah: I don't know.

God: Well, go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord.

Elijah: Okay, I'm standing.

God: Are you watching?

Elijah: Yes.

God: Okay. Now, here I come! Woooooosh!

Elijah: Whoa! Man, God you just passed by and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and broke the rocks to pieces!

God: Yes, sorry, had Mexican for lunch.

Elijah: Then there was an Earthquake and fire!

God: Refried beans. Get me every time.

Elijah: Wow.

God: So, can you hear me now?

Elijah: Is that a still small voice?

God: Yes, go, return on thy way to the wilderness of Damascus and when you come, anoint Hazael to be king over Syria, and anoint Jehu the son of Nimshi to be king over Israel and anoint Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abelmeholah shall to be prophet in your room. And it shall come to pass, that him that escapes the sword of Hazael shall Jehu slay and him that escapes from the sword of Jehu shall Elisha slay.

Elijah: Well, I still left 7000 in Israel who aren't Baal worshipers.

God: Good to know. Now, get.

LATER

Elijah: Hey, there's Elisha, son of Shaphat. Man, he's plowing with twelve yoke of oxen. That's a lot of oxen. Hey, Elisha!

Elisha: Yes?

Elijah: Have mantle.

Elisha: Awesome! Come back here, Elijah. Let me, I pray you, kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you.

Elijah: Go back again? For what have I done to you?

Elisha: Also, I'm going to take a yoke of oxen and slay them and give them to the people. Then I'll come with you.

Elijah: Okay.