1 Kings 18: God Proves Himself By Sending a Fire

God: Hey, Elijah!

Elijah: Oh, hey God, good to hear from you. It's been three years. What's going on? Any good news?

God: Yes, go to Ahab and tell him I'm going to send rain.

Elijah: He'll be glad to hear that. There's been a famine in Samaria.

God: Really? I had no idea.

Elijah: Sarcasm doesn't become you, Lord.

LATER, AT AHAB'S PLACE

Elijah: So, that's what God said.

Ahab: Really? I better consult with Obadiah, my house governor. Obadiah, come here!

Obadiah: Yes, Ahab?

Ahab: Obadiah, you fear the Lord greatly.

Obadiah: Yes, sir, just thinking about him makes me piss myself. Ooops. There it goes. In fact, I hid 100 prophets of the Lord in a cave and fed them bread and water when Jezebel cut them off.

Ahab: I pretend I didn't hear that. Go into the land, to all the fountains of water and to all that brooks and see if you can find grass to save the horses and mules. You go one way, I'll go the other.

Obadiah: Okay.

LATER

Obadiah: Grass, grass, I must find grass.

Elijah: Hey!

Obadiah: Aaah!

*thump*

Elijah: You fell down.

Obadiah: I meant to do that. I know you, you're Elijah, right?

Elijah: Yep, go tell Ahab I'm here.

Obadiah: What? You're trying to get me killed. We've looked for you everywhere. As soon as I tell him, "Hey, I've found Elijah," the Spirit of the Lord will take you somewhere else. Then Ahab will kill me for lying to him.

Elijah: Hmmm. Could be.

Obadiah: It's not fair! I've feared the Lord since I was a lad....

Elijah: You've seemed to have wet yourself.

Obadiah: See? Pure fear. I even rescued 100 of the Lord's prophets when Jezebel tried to kill them. And this is the thanks I get?

Elijah: Don't get your soaking panties in a bunch. I'll stay right here and show myself to him.

Obadiah: You'd better.

Elijah: I will.

Obadiah: Fine. I'll be right back.

Elijah: I'll be waiting.

LATER

Obadiah: And he was right here, Ahab.

Ahab: He's better be.

Elijah: I am.

Obadiah: Whew!

Ahab: So, you're the one who troubles Israel.

Elijah: No, I'm just his messenger. See, it's God who troubles Israel because you have forsaken Him and follow Baalim. If you don't want trouble, gather to me all Israel to mount Carmel, and 450 prophets of Baal, and 400 prophets of the groves, which eat at Jezebel's table.

Ahab: Negotiating with terrorist! What has the world come to! Fine, I'll do it.

Elijah: We thought you would.

LATER

Elijah: People, how long halt you between two opinions? If the Lord be God, follow him, but if Baal, then follow him.

People: ...

Elijah: I, even I only, remain a prophet of the Lord, but Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men. Let them therefore give us two bullocks, and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under, and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. And call your gods, and I will call on the Lord, and the God that answers by fire, let him be God.

People: Hmmm. Trial be fire, huh? Sounds good.

Person: How about this: instead of silly parlor tricks and weather phenomenon, God just come down and show himself. He's done it plenty of time before. Or, just talk to us all, individually, like he talks to you. Just once.

Another Person: I'd much rather have him grant me some sort of super-power for the day. Have God give me the power of flight, for one day, and I'll say he's God.

Another Person: Hell, just have him come down and cure all childhood cancer, forever. Then I'd believe.

Elijah: What!?! No, no showing himself or super-powers of cures for childhood cancer. My God will light bull on fire. That's all.

Baal Priests: Hey, we'll take your challenge. It's not like Baal can do any of those things either.

Another Person: So, no matter who is God, there is no cure for childhood cancer. Screw them both, I'm going home.

Elijah: Okay, Baalists. It's morning now, start your praying.

Ball priests: Oh God, you're so big. Just really, really hug. We're all totally impressed down here....

Elijah: This is going to take a while.

ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATER

Elijah: Well, Baal priests, it's 12:00. Perhaps he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleeps, and must be awaked.

Baal Priests: Oh, this is terrible. Who'd have thought, the one time you really need your god to answer a pray in order to prove his actual existence, he doesn't answer!

Elijah: Yeah, us Hebrews have no idea how that is.

Baal Priests: We must cut ourselves, and let our blood flow.

Elijah: Would you like more time?

Baal Priests: Yes, please.

LATER

Elijah: Hey, guys, it's evening. You're bleeding everywhere. And Baal is still a no show. Give up?

Baal Priests: Yes.

Elijah: Okay. Hey, people, help me repair the altar of the Lord. He won't do any miracles unless this alter is fixed. I need twelves stones, one for each of the tribes. Now, dig a trench around it. And then, put the wood and bull on top, there. Now, fill four barrels with water and pour it on the bull and wood. More water, again. And, one more time. See, even the trench is full of water. There, that ought to do it.

Person: That's a soggy sacrifice.

Elijah: Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and of Israel, let it be known this day that you are God in Israel, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your word.

Another Person: God has to be told why we're doing all this? I thought he would already know?

Elijah: Hear me, O Lord, hear me, that this people may know that you are the Lord God, and that you have turned their heart back again.

God: Here comes the FIRE! Blam!

People: Wow! Look at that! Fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt sacrifice, the wood, stones, dust, even the water in the trench. The Lord, he is the God; the Lord, he is the God.

Elijah: Yes, absolute proof. But whatever you do, don't expect him to ever, ever, ever do it again.

Baal priests: Well, you won, fair and square. We learned our lesson. Guess we'll be going home now....

Elijah: People, take the prophets of Baal, let not one of them escape.

Baal priests: Hey, that wasn't part of the deal!

Elijah: Bring them down to the brook Kishon, and kill them there.

People: If God wanted them dead, why didn't he just kill them himself?

Elijah: And let us miss out on all the fun? Ahab, get up, eat and drink, for there is a sound of abundance of rain.

Ahab: If you say so.

Elijah: I must go up to Mount Carmel. I'll be back, momentarily.

LATER

Elijah: So, see anything over the sea, servant?

Servant: Nope. No sign of rain.

Elijah: Okay, God's on the fritz again. Go up seven times, then tell me if you see anything.

Servant: Stupid God. Yeah, there is something, a cloud that looks like a hand. Giving me the finger.

Elijah: Good. Now, go tell Ahab to go back to Jezreel. I'll meet him there, after the Lord has girded my loins.

Servant: Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays.