Servant: Ahab, someone to see you. Calls himself the prophet Elijah.
Ahab: Send him in.
Elijah: Hi, God told me to tell you that there shall be no dew or rain, but according to my word.
Ahab: Interesting. You tell God, the next time he wants to talk to me, He should come himself, instead of sending one of his twerps. Got it?
Elijah: Interesting management style you got here.
Ahab: I call it pure evil.
God: Elijah, go east, and hide yourself by the brook Cherith, that is before Jordan. You can drink from the brook and I'll get the ravens to bring you food.
Elijah: That sounds complicated. And none too sanitary. How about just magic me up some steak everyday? And a nice hotel to stay at?
God: No, I'll let the ravens do the hard work.
SOON, BY THE BROOK
Elijah: Well, this is nice, actually. And the food, bread and flesh every morning isn't too bad, if you don't mind the occasional feather. Too bad the brook is drying up.
God: Elijah, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Zidon, and dwell there. I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain you.
Elijah: A widow, huh? Should have sent me there in the first place. Well, at least the food will be better.
LATER, IN ZAREPHATH
Elijah: Well, here's Zarephath. Now, let's find that widow. You there, gathering sticks, fetch me, I pray you, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.
Widow: Well, I don't usually just do the bidding of strangers, but just this once.
Elijah: Hey, also bring me a morsel of bread, I pray you.
Widow: As the Lord your God lives, I have no cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.
Elijah: So, you're not one of those merry widows, then. Gotcha. Fear not, go and do as you have said but make me a little cake first, and bring it to me, and then make some for you and your son. For the Lord God of Israel says, "The barrel of meal shall not waste, neither shall the cruse of oil fail, until the day that the Lord sends rain upon the earth."
Widow: Well, okay, I'll try it your way.
MANY DAYS LATER
Widow: Well, I'll be, the meal lasted just like Elijah said. And it's starting to rain.
Son of Widow: I don't feel so good, mom. I can't breathe. Arrrrgggh.
Widow: Noooooooo! Elijah, what have I to do with you, O you man of God? Have you come to me to call my sin to remembrance, and to slay my son?
Elijah: Chill out, widow. Bring the boy here to the loft and put him on my bed.
Widow: You sick son of a bitch!
Elijah: It's not like that. O Lord my God, have you also brought evil upon the widow with whom I sojourn, by slaying her son?
God: Well, yes, actually, I did. But stretch over him three times, for effect, and I let him live again. It will blow everyone's mind.
Elijah: Okay.
Son: Where am I?
Elijah: You died, but God brought you back.
Son: I hope he doesn't expect gratitude. He could have avoided the whole thing if he hadn't made me get sick in the first place.
Elijah: Yeah, but then your mom wouldn't know have awesome he is. Come on, she's downstairs, waiting.
Widow: Look, my son has returned to life!
Son: Yeah.
Widow: Elijah, now by this I know that you are a man of God, and that the word of the Lord in your mouth is truth.
Elijah: See, told you.
Son: Yeah, how about the next time you leave me out of it, okay?
Widow: Glory be to the Lord, you can raise the dead! Please, let's go and raise my dead husband so we can be a family again!
Son: Yeah! Bring my dad back to life!
Elijah: Uh, Um, but he would be all rotten and gross.
Widow: Pish posh! If God can bring the dead back to life whenever he feels like it, he can certainly restore a rotten body to its previous condition. So, get to it.
Son: Yeah! Or isn't your God strong enough?
Elijah: Crap.
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