1 Kings 14: Jeroboam's Son Killed By God

Wife of Jeroboam: Jeroboam, Abijah is ill! What can we do?

Jeroboam: Go to Shiloh and find the prophet Ahijah. He's the one who said I would be king. He'll know what's gong to happen to Abijah. But disguise yourself so know one knows you are my wife. And take some food with you.

Jeroboam's wife: Okay.

LATER, IN SHILOH

Jeroboam's wife: Well, here's the house. I'll see if he's in.

Ahijah: Hello, who's here?

God: Ahijah, that's Jeroboam's wife, pretending to be someone else. She wants to know about her sick kid. Tell her he's going to die because Jeroboam is a bum. But pretty it up for me.

Ahijah: While I have you here, God, could you fix my eyes for me?

God: No.

Jeroboam's wife: Someone who's not Jeroboam's wife, that's for sure.

Ahijah: I see. Actually, I'm old and blind, so I don't see. But, come in. I know who you are and what you want. God told me.

Jeroboam's wife: Was it the disguise? Did it give me away?

Ahijah: Well, we don't have too many naughty nurses in Shiloh, true enough. But no. Anyway, God said to tell you to tell Jeroboam that your kid is going to die, because Jeroboam is not following God's rules, like David did, by building idols and such. God made him king over Israel, so now God is going to cut off all of his heirs, including you boy.

Jeroboam's wife: I see, so God is going to punish an innocent child for his father's sins. That's not just.

Ahijah: Yeah, and he's also going to bring evil upon anyone in the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam anyone that pisses against the wall, and anyone that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man takes away dung, till it be all gone. Anyone of Jeroboam that dies in the city shall be eaten by dogs, and anyone that dies in the field shall be eaten by vultures. So they got that going for them.

Jeroboam's wife: So, God is going to punish anyone who even is remotely related to Jeroboam? Wow. What a prick.

Shijah: So, go home, and when you get there, your child will be dead. And all Israel will mourn for him and bury him.

Jeroboam's wife: Great, so at least he's not eaten by animals. Big comfort.

Shijah: Also, God is going to appoint a new king over Israel. And then he's going to smite them and scatter them across the river.

Jeroboam's wife: Don't care. I can't believe I wasted this trip. Tell God the next time he wants to deliver bad news, he can just talk to my husband directly. Asshole.

LATER, IN TIRZAH

Jeroboam's wife: I'm home.

Jeroboam: Abijah's dead.

Jeroboam's wife: Shit.

LATER

Scribe: So, Jeroboam, the rest of your story will be told in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Israel.

Jeroboam: Well, I had a good run. Twenty-two years as king. Not too shabby. Beat that prick Rehoboam by five years. I think I'm going to die now. Let my son Nadab be king.

Scribe: Okay. Hey, remember when in the fifth year of king Rehoboam, Shishak king of Egypt came up against Jerusalem, and he took away the treasures of the house of the Lord, and the treasures of the king's house, and he took away all the shields of gold which Solomon had made?

Jeroboam: I remember that.

Scribe: Now the rest of the acts of Rehoboam, and all that he did, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Judah?

Jeroboam: you asking me? I just know that was war between us all our days. But, he's dead now, was buried with his fathers in the city of David.

Scribe: And his mother's name is Naamah an Ammonitess. And Abijam his son reigns in his stead.

Jeroboam: Good.