A Man of God out of Judah by the word of the Lord unto Bethel: Hey, Jeroboam is standing before the altar to burn incense. That's not right! O altar, altar, thus says the Lord, "Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name, and upon you shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon you, and men's bones shall be burnt upon you." This is the sign which the Lord has spoken. Behold, the altar shall be rent, and the ashes that are upon it shall be poured out.
Servant: I don't know what he has against hte alter. It's a very nice alter. Well built.
King Jeroboam: Yeah, I'm not going to hear anyone bad mouth this alter here. Grab him!
Servant: Get him, men!
King Jeroboam: Why just feel this fine workmanship. Arrrrgggh! My hand! It dried up when I touched the alter!
Servant: Ooops, it looks like the alter is rent, and ashes are pouring out, just like the guy said it would as a sign from God.
Man of God: Yep. Pretty cool, huh?
Jeroboam: Yes, very good. Good job. Now, please ask God to restore my hand.
Man of God: Well, okay. Please, God restore the hand of this butt-head.
Jeroboam: Hey, it worked! My hand's fine now. Come home with me, and refresh yourself, and I will give you a reward.
Man of God: Even if you give me half your house, I will not go in with you, neither will I eat bread nor drink water in this place. God said to me, "Eat no bread, nor drink water, nor turn again by the same way that you came." Goodbye, I'm going back to Bethal.
Jeroboam: Fine. Don't eat with me, see if I care.
LATER, IN BETHAL
Old Prophet in Bethel: Man, what a day. My back is aching, my feet are sore. It sucks being old.
Sons of the Old Prophet: Father, some Man of God totally owed Jeroboam and his alter. To his face. It was epic! Rad.
Old Prophet: Auggh, kids. Which way did this Man of God go?
Sons of Old Prophet: Like, he totally went that way, you know? Like a boss. Tubular.
Old Prophet: Saddle me the ass, I'm going after him. Then, cut your hair and find a job. And speak Hebrew, for God's sake. Damned kids.
Son of Prophet: Don't have a cow, man. Cowabunga.
LATER
Old Prophet: There he is, sitting under that oak. Hey, you, are you the man of God that came from Judah?
Man of God: I am.
Old Prophet: Come home with me, and eat bread.
Man of God: I may not return with you, nor go in with you, neither will I eat bread nor drink water with you in this place, for it was said to me by the word of the Lord, "You shall eat no bread nor drink water there, nor turn again to go by the way that you came."
Old Prophet: Oh, that's how it is, is it? Well, two can play at that game. See, I'm a prophet, also, and an angel told me, by the word of the Lord, "Bring him back with you into your house, that he may eat bread and drink water."
Man of God: Really?
Old Prophet: Well, as far as you know, it may be true.
Man of God: Okay, I'll go with you.
Old Prophet: Heh, I lied. Moron.
LATER
Old Prophet: So, how was everything?
Man of God: Very nice, thanks. Good bread, clean water. But I'm afraid your kids seem quite retarded.
Old Prophet: Don't I know it. Oh, wait, I think God is trying to tell me something. Yes, yes, most definitely, he says, "Thus says the Lord, because you have disobeyed the mouth of the Lord, and have not kept the commandment which the Lord your God commanded you, but came back, and have eaten bread and drunk water in the place, of the which the Lord did say to you, 'Eat no bread, and drink no water,' your carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of your fathers."
Man of God: What the hell! You said an angel told you to take me here! I believed that you actually talked to angels and only listened to you because you are an Old Prophet, and I thought you were doing what God told you to do!
Old Prophet: Yeah, I was lying about the angel thing. Sucks how that works, huh? Any idiot can claim to have heard God tell him to do something, and people will believe it instead of asking God directly. Just like you and Jeroboam. How'd he know you weren't lying about the alter until after his hand shriveled? Oh, well, tough break, kid.
Man of God: Well, I'm leaving. Good day, sir.
LATER
Man of God: Stupid God. He could have told me the Old Prophet was lying. How could I know? Ahhh! A Lion!
Lion: Roooowr!
Man of God: Ahhh! My neck! Stupid god! Trust a guy when he says God told him something and this is the reward you get! Eaten by Lions! Arrrggggh.
LATER
Man: I say, look there, some poor sod has gotten himself eaten by a lion.
Man 2: Gross. I can't wait to tell everyone!
LATER, IN THE CITY OF THE OLD PROPHET
Man: So, he got eaten.
Old Prophet: Well, that's what happens when you disobey the word of the Lord. Sons, Saddle me my ass And he spake to his sons, saying, Saddle me my ass!
Sons: Word.
LATER
Old Prophet: There he is.
Lion: Rooowr!
Old Prophet: Huh, must not be hungry. Well, I better bring the body back with me to bury.
LATER
Sons of Prophet: Where you going to plant him, pop?
Old Prophet: Put him in my grave. When I am dead, then bury me in the sepulchre wherein the man of God is buried, lay my bones beside his bones, for the saying which he cried by the word of the Lord against the altar in Bethel, and against all the houses of the high places which are in the cities of Samaria, shall surely come to pass.
LATER
Jeroboam: I don't think I'll return from my evil ways, but make of the lowest of the people priests of the high places. hope my it won't destroy my family from from off the face of the earth.
God: Oh, it will.
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