Rehoboam: Man, it's nice to be back in Shechem. Calm, relaxing, Shechem....
All Israel: Surprise!
Rehoboam: Uh, why are you here?
All Israel: To make you king.
Rehoboam: So much for relaxing.
LATER, IN EGYPT
Messenger: Then they made him king.
Jeroboam the son of Nebat: Well, we need to have a little chat, Rehoboam and me. Let's go.
LATER
Jeroboam: Hello, Rehoboam.
Rehoboam: Oh, hey, what's going on with you?
Jeroboam: Your father made our yoke grievous, now, therefore, make you the grievous service of your father, and his heavy yoke which he put upon us, lighter, and we will serve you.
Rehoboam: Depart for three days, then come again to me.
Jeroboam: Okay. But we'll be back. Bye.
Rehoboam: Well, I need some advice. Hey, old men, you stood before my father Solomon. What do you think I should say?
Old Men: If you will be a servant to this people this day, and will serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be your servants forever.
Rehoboam: Right, so give them what they want, and they'll do what I say? I want to be king, not a servant. Young men, what do you say?
Young Men: You should say, "My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins. And where my father did lay you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke. My father has chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions.'
Jeroboam: I like the cut of your jib! I'll do it. Wow, that took all of five minutes. We still have three days to waste. Let's party!
THREE DAYS LATEr
Jeroboam: I'm back. With my people. So, what's the word?
Rehoboam: My father made your yoke heavy, and I will add to your yoke, my father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. For the cause is from the Lord, that I might perform my saying, which the Lord spake by Ahijah the Shilonite to me, Jeroboam the son of Nebat.
The people: What portion have we in David? Neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse. To your tents, O Israel, now see to your own house, David.
Rehoboam: So, I get the cities of Judah, I guess. Better than nothing. Adoram, go collect my tribute.
Adoram: Will do, King.
LATER
Adoram: Hey, people, tribute time! Pay up.
All Israel: Do you take payment in rock?
Adoram: Hey, ouch, no! We don't!
All Israel: Too bad.
LATER
Messenger: Then he got stoned. And not the fun kind of stoned.
Rehoboam: Shit! I better run to Jerusalem before they stone me next.
Messenger: won't that make Jeroboam king?
Rehoboam: Politics is so complicated.
LATER
All Israel: So, Jeroboam is king, now, right?
Jeroboam: You called?
All Israel: So, want to be king over all of Israel except Judah?
Jeroboam: Sure.
MEANWHILE, IN JERUSALEM
Rehoboam: Houses of Judah, and tribe of Benjamin. There are a hundred and fourscore thousand of you, men, who are warriors. Fight with me against the house of Israel, to bring the kingdom back to me, Rehoboam the son of Solomon.
God: Oh, no you won't! Shemaiah the man of God, speak to Rehoboam, the son of Solomon, king of Judah, and to all the house of Judah and Benjamin, and to the remnant of the people, saying, "Thus says the Lord, 'You shall not go up, nor fight against your brethren the children of Israel. Return every man to his house, for this thing is from me."
Shemaiah: Can't you do it yourself, Lord? I'm kind of busy.
God: Yeah, so am I.
Shemaiah: Really?
God: Just kidding! I'm never too busy. Just incredibly lazy.
LATER
Shemaiah: So, that's what God said.
House of Judah and Benjamin: Well, if that's what God said, we better go home.
Jeroboam: Fine, go home then. I'll just build Shechem in mount Ephraim, and dwell there. Then I go and build a temple in Penuel. And I'll make two calves of gold, because it turned out so well last time. And I'll put one in Bethal and one in Dan. And I'll make a house of high places, and priests of the lowest of the people, which were not of the sons of Levi. And in the eighth month, on the fifteenth day of the month, we'll feast and offer upon the altar.
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