Moses: Give ear, O you heavens, and I will speak, and hear, O earth, the words of my mouth. My doctrine shall drop as the rain, my speech shall distill as the dew, as the small rain upon the tender herb, and as the showers upon the grass, because I will publish the name of the Lord, ascribe your greatness to our God.
Levite: So, is this the song?
Moses: He is the Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are judgment, a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he.
Officer: A song of ass-kissing, yes.
Moses: They have corrupted themselves, their spot is not the spot of his children, they are a perverse and crooked generation, Do you thus requite the Lord, O foolish people and unwise? Is not he your father that has bought you? Has he not made you, and established you?
Elders: That's good, insult your audience. That's sure to make your song popular.
Moses: Remember the days of old, consider the years of many generations, ask your father, and he will show you, your elders, and they will tell you. When the most High divided to the nations their inheritance, when he separated the sons of Adam, he set the bounds of the people according to the number of the children of Israel.
Levite: This doesn't rhyme. Shouldn't songs rhyme?
Moses: For the Lord's portion is his people, Jacob is the lot of his inheritance. He found him in a desert land, and in the waste howling wilderness, he led him about, he instructed him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.
Elder: Not all songs have to rhyme, you know.
Moses: As an eagle stirs up her nest, flutters over her young, spreads abroad her wings, takes them, bears them on her wings, so the Lord alone did lead him, and there was no strange god with him.
Elder: See, that's downright poetical, right there.
Moses: He made him ride on the high places of the earth, that he might eat the increase of the fields, and he made him to suck honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock...
Elder: Uh, that's just stupid.
Levite: Jacob the rock-suker.
Moses: ...Butter of kine, and milk of sheep, with fat of lambs, and rams of the breed of Bashan, and goats, with the fat of kidneys of wheat, and you did drink the pure blood of the grape. But Jeshurun waxed fat, and kicked, you have waxen fat, you have grown thick, you are covered with fatness...
Officer: God hates fat people, I guess.
Moses: ...then he forsook God which made him, and lightly esteemed the Rock of his salvation. They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger. They sacrificed to devils, not to God, to gods whom they knew not, to new gods that came newly up, whom your fathers feared not.
Levites: That's bad.
Moses: Of the Rock that begat you, you are unmindful, and have forgotten God that formed you. And when the Lord saw it, he abhorred them, because of the provoking of his sons, and of his daughters. And he said, "I will hide my face from them, I will see what their end shall be, for they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith."
Levite: I just don't get it. Is there a chorus in there somewhere?
Moses: They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God, they have provoked me to anger with their vanities and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people, I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.
Levites: That's not good. God and his anger management problems.
Moses: I will heap mischiefs upon them, I will spend mine arrows upon them. They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction, I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust. The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs. I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men.
Officers: You know, seeing how God totally expects us to diss him, he certainly takes it hard.
Moses: Was it not that I feared the wrath of the enemy, lest their adversaries should behave themselves strangely, and lest they should say, "Our hand is high, and the Lord has not done all this. For they are a nation void of counsel, neither is there any understanding in them. O that they were wise, that they understood this, that they would consider their latter end! How should one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight, except their Rock had sold them, and the Lord had shut them up? For their rock is not as our Rock, even our enemies themselves being judges.
Officers: It's a rock song.
Moses: For their vine is of the vine of Sodom, and of the fields of Gomorrah, their grapes are grapes of gall, their clusters are bitter. Their wine is the poison of dragons, and the cruel venom of asps. Is not this laid up in store with me, and sealed up among my treasures? To me belongeth vengeance, and recompence, their foot shall slide in due time, for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.
Elders: Unlike this song. It's not nearly hasty enough for me.
Moses: For the Lord shall judge his people, and repent himself for his servants, when he sees that their power is gone, and there is none shut up, or left. And he shall say, "Where are their gods, their rock in whom they trusted, which did eat the fat of their sacrifices, and drank the wine of their drink offerings?" let them rise up and help you, and be your protection. See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god with me, I kill, and I make alive, I wound, and I heal, neither is there any that can deliver out of my hand.
Levite: It's more a spoken word...thing...isn't it?
Moses: For I lift up my hand to heaven, and say, I live for ever. If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment, I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me. I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh; and that with the blood of the slain and of the captives, from the beginning of revenges upon the enemy. Rejoice, O ye nations, with his people: for he will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries, and will be merciful unto his land, and to his people.
Officer: Is that it, is that the song? All of it.
Moses: Yes.
Officer: Praise God!
Moses: Yes, it is a good song.
Officer: I especially like the end. The part where it ends, specifically, and you stop singing.
Moses: Thanks. Set your hearts to all the words which I testify among you this day, which you shall command your children to observe to do, all the words of this law. For it is not a vain thing for you, because it is your life, and through this thing you shall prolong your days in the land, when you go over Jordan to possess it.
Elder: If I have to hear that song again, I think I would rather have shorter days, thanks.
God: Moses, hey, Get you up into this mountain Abarim, unto mount Nebo, which is in the land of Moab, that is over against Jericho, and behold the land of Canaan, which I give to the children of Israel for a possession.
Moses: Oh, sightseeing. That will be nice.
God: And die in the mount where you go up, and be gathered to your people, as Aaron your brother died in mount Hor, and was gathered unto his people. Because you trespassed against me among the children of Israel at the waters of Meribah-Kadesh, in the wilderness of Zin, because you sanctified me not in the midst of the children of Israel.
Moses: You'll never forgive me for that, huh?
God: Yet you shall see the land before you, but you shall not go to the land which I give the children of Israel.
Moses: That's cold, Lord. Real cold.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Deuteronomy 31: Joshua in Charge
Moses: I am an hundred and twenty years old this day...
People: Happy Birthday!
Moses: Thanks. I can no more go out and come in...
Person: Is that a sex thing?
Moses: ...also the Lord has said to me, "You shall not go over this Jordan."
Another Person: Isn't that true for all but two of the original Hebrews who were slaves in Egypt? It's not like he's being singled out.
Person: Whiner.
Moses: The Lord your God, he will go over before you, and he will destroy these nations from before you, and you shall possess them...
Person: We'll see about that.
Moses: ....And Joshua, he shall go over before you, as the Lord hath said.
Joshua: That's right, bitches! I'm the big boss now!
Moses: And the Lord shall do to them as he did to Sihon and to Og, kings of the Amorites, and to the land of them, whom he destroyed.
Another Person: With our help.
Moses: And the Lord shall give them up before your face, that you may do to them according to all the commandments which I have commanded you.
Person: Right.
Moses: Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, he it is that does go with thee, he will not fail you, nor forsake you.
Another Person: Uh, if you destroy them, totally, as you promises, they won't exist for us to fear. It's up to God, then.
Moses: Joshua?
Joshua: Mose! My man! Lay it on me!
Moses: Be strong and of a good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them and you shall cause them to inherit it.
Joshua: Damn straight, I will.
Moses: And the Lord, he will go before you, he will be with you, he will not fail you, neither forsake you. Fear not, neither be dismayed.
Joshua: Who said I would. I'm cool.
Moses: Good: Now, I've written this law and and delivered it to the priests the sons of Levi, who bare the ark of the covenant of the Lord, and to all the elders of Israel. At the end of every seven years, in the solemnity of the year of release, in the feast of tabernacles, when all Israel comes to appear before the Lord your God in the place which he shall choose, you shalt read this law before all Israel in their hearing. Gather the people together, men, and women, and children, and the stranger that is within your gates, that they may hear, and that they may learn, and fear the Lord your God, and observe to do all the words of this law, and that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the Lord your God, as long as you live in the land where you go over Jordan to possess it.
Joshua: Big meeting, read the law. Got it.
God: Moses, Behold, your days approach that you must die.
Moses: Okay.
God: Call Joshua, and present yourselves in the tabernacle of the congregation, that I may give him a charge.
Moses: Joshua, come with me to the tabernacle.
Joshua: What we going to do?
Moses: Present ourselves in the tabernacle of the congregation.
Joshua: Like this?
Moses: Good God, man, put your pants back on!
Joshua: Just presenting myself is all.
God: Moses! Joshua!
Joshua: Whoa! A pillar of a cloud standing over the door of the tabernacle! And it's talking!
God: Moses, Behold, you shalt sleep with your fathers, and this people will rise up, and go a whoring after the gods of the strangers of the land, where they go to be among them, and will forsake me, and break my covenant which I have made with them.
Moses: Really? Well, what you going to do? Some people, you know?
God: Then my anger shall be kindled against them in that day, and I will forsake them, and I will hide my face from them, and they shall be devoured, and many evils and troubles shall befall them, so that they will say in that day, "Are not these evils come upon us, because our God is not among us?" And I will surely hide my face in that day for all the evils which they shall have wrought, in that they are turned to other gods.
Moses: Yes, well, who can blame you, God?
God: Now therefore write you this song for you, and teach it the children of Israel, put it in their mouths, that this song may be a witness for me against the children of Israel. For when I shall have brought them into the land which I swore to their fathers, that flows with milk and honey, and they shall have eaten and filled themselves, and waxen fat, then will they turn to other gods, and serve them, and provoke me, and break my covenant.
Joshua: Ungrateful louts!
God: And it shall come to pass, when many evils and troubles are befallen them, that this song shall testify against them as a witness, for it shall not be forgotten out of the mouths of their seed, for I know their imagination which they go about, even now, before I have brought them into the land which I swore.
Moses: Well, okay. I'm ready, give it to me.
God: Here it is. Got it?
Moses: Yes?
God: Give it to the children.
Moses: I will.
God: Now, Joshua, Be strong and of a good courage: for you shalt bring the children of Israel to the land which I swore to them, and I will be with you.
Joshua: Okay.
God: Well,then, I'll be going now. you've got the song, and I've given Joshua his charge, so, I'll be off now. Bye.
Moses: Bye, God.
Joshua: See you, God.
Moses: Levites!
Levites: Yes, Moses?
Moses: Take this book of the law, and put it in the side of the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, that it may be there for a witness against you. For I know your rebellion, and you stiff neck, behold, while I am yet alive with you this day, you have been rebellious against the Lord, and how much more after my death?
Levites: Uh, we have?
Moses: God said so.
Levites: He would know, we guess.
Moses: Gather to me all the elders of your tribes, and your officers, that I may speak these words in their ears, and call heaven and earth to record against them. For I know that after my death you will utterly corrupt yourselves, and turn aside from the way which I have commanded you, and evil will befall you in the latter days, because you will do evil in the sight of the Lord, to provoke him to anger through the work of your hands.
Elders and officers: We're here.
Moses: Now, listen to me sing.
Levites: Good Lord! He's awful!
Elders: And the song sucks as well.
Officers: Truly.
Moses: So, what do you think of that?
Levites: Well, it was something, all right. Something indescribable.
Moses: Thanks.
People: Happy Birthday!
Moses: Thanks. I can no more go out and come in...
Person: Is that a sex thing?
Moses: ...also the Lord has said to me, "You shall not go over this Jordan."
Another Person: Isn't that true for all but two of the original Hebrews who were slaves in Egypt? It's not like he's being singled out.
Person: Whiner.
Moses: The Lord your God, he will go over before you, and he will destroy these nations from before you, and you shall possess them...
Person: We'll see about that.
Moses: ....And Joshua, he shall go over before you, as the Lord hath said.
Joshua: That's right, bitches! I'm the big boss now!
Moses: And the Lord shall do to them as he did to Sihon and to Og, kings of the Amorites, and to the land of them, whom he destroyed.
Another Person: With our help.
Moses: And the Lord shall give them up before your face, that you may do to them according to all the commandments which I have commanded you.
Person: Right.
Moses: Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them, for the Lord your God, he it is that does go with thee, he will not fail you, nor forsake you.
Another Person: Uh, if you destroy them, totally, as you promises, they won't exist for us to fear. It's up to God, then.
Moses: Joshua?
Joshua: Mose! My man! Lay it on me!
Moses: Be strong and of a good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them and you shall cause them to inherit it.
Joshua: Damn straight, I will.
Moses: And the Lord, he will go before you, he will be with you, he will not fail you, neither forsake you. Fear not, neither be dismayed.
Joshua: Who said I would. I'm cool.
Moses: Good: Now, I've written this law and and delivered it to the priests the sons of Levi, who bare the ark of the covenant of the Lord, and to all the elders of Israel. At the end of every seven years, in the solemnity of the year of release, in the feast of tabernacles, when all Israel comes to appear before the Lord your God in the place which he shall choose, you shalt read this law before all Israel in their hearing. Gather the people together, men, and women, and children, and the stranger that is within your gates, that they may hear, and that they may learn, and fear the Lord your God, and observe to do all the words of this law, and that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the Lord your God, as long as you live in the land where you go over Jordan to possess it.
Joshua: Big meeting, read the law. Got it.
God: Moses, Behold, your days approach that you must die.
Moses: Okay.
God: Call Joshua, and present yourselves in the tabernacle of the congregation, that I may give him a charge.
Moses: Joshua, come with me to the tabernacle.
Joshua: What we going to do?
Moses: Present ourselves in the tabernacle of the congregation.
Joshua: Like this?
Moses: Good God, man, put your pants back on!
Joshua: Just presenting myself is all.
God: Moses! Joshua!
Joshua: Whoa! A pillar of a cloud standing over the door of the tabernacle! And it's talking!
God: Moses, Behold, you shalt sleep with your fathers, and this people will rise up, and go a whoring after the gods of the strangers of the land, where they go to be among them, and will forsake me, and break my covenant which I have made with them.
Moses: Really? Well, what you going to do? Some people, you know?
God: Then my anger shall be kindled against them in that day, and I will forsake them, and I will hide my face from them, and they shall be devoured, and many evils and troubles shall befall them, so that they will say in that day, "Are not these evils come upon us, because our God is not among us?" And I will surely hide my face in that day for all the evils which they shall have wrought, in that they are turned to other gods.
Moses: Yes, well, who can blame you, God?
God: Now therefore write you this song for you, and teach it the children of Israel, put it in their mouths, that this song may be a witness for me against the children of Israel. For when I shall have brought them into the land which I swore to their fathers, that flows with milk and honey, and they shall have eaten and filled themselves, and waxen fat, then will they turn to other gods, and serve them, and provoke me, and break my covenant.
Joshua: Ungrateful louts!
God: And it shall come to pass, when many evils and troubles are befallen them, that this song shall testify against them as a witness, for it shall not be forgotten out of the mouths of their seed, for I know their imagination which they go about, even now, before I have brought them into the land which I swore.
Moses: Well, okay. I'm ready, give it to me.
God: Here it is. Got it?
Moses: Yes?
God: Give it to the children.
Moses: I will.
God: Now, Joshua, Be strong and of a good courage: for you shalt bring the children of Israel to the land which I swore to them, and I will be with you.
Joshua: Okay.
God: Well,then, I'll be going now. you've got the song, and I've given Joshua his charge, so, I'll be off now. Bye.
Moses: Bye, God.
Joshua: See you, God.
Moses: Levites!
Levites: Yes, Moses?
Moses: Take this book of the law, and put it in the side of the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God, that it may be there for a witness against you. For I know your rebellion, and you stiff neck, behold, while I am yet alive with you this day, you have been rebellious against the Lord, and how much more after my death?
Levites: Uh, we have?
Moses: God said so.
Levites: He would know, we guess.
Moses: Gather to me all the elders of your tribes, and your officers, that I may speak these words in their ears, and call heaven and earth to record against them. For I know that after my death you will utterly corrupt yourselves, and turn aside from the way which I have commanded you, and evil will befall you in the latter days, because you will do evil in the sight of the Lord, to provoke him to anger through the work of your hands.
Elders and officers: We're here.
Moses: Now, listen to me sing.
Levites: Good Lord! He's awful!
Elders: And the song sucks as well.
Officers: Truly.
Moses: So, what do you think of that?
Levites: Well, it was something, all right. Something indescribable.
Moses: Thanks.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Deuteronomy 30: God to Me, Devil to Thee
Moses: And it shall come to pass, when all these things happen to you, the blessing and the curse, which I have set before you, and you shall call them to mind among all the nations, where the Lord your God has driven you, and shall return to the Lord your God, and shall obey his voice according to all that I command you this day, you and your children, with all your heart, and with all your soul, that then the Lord your God will turn your captivity, and have compassion upon you, and will return and gather you from all the nations, where ever the Lord your God has scattered you. If any of you are driven out to the outmost parts of heaven, from there will the Lord your God gather you, and from there will he fetch you, and the Lord your God will bring you into the land which your fathers possessed, and you shall possess it, and he will do you good, and multiply you above your fathers.
Person: Geeze, what a long ass way of saying that if, after God curses us, we then start listening to him again, he'll take the curse off.
Another Person: Right. God believes in second chances.
Moses: And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart, and the heart of your seed, to love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, that you may live.
Person: I didn't even know my heart had a foreskin.
Another Person: I don't think you can call it "love" when one person obeys another person out of fear that if they don't, they will end up cursed. Or worse.
Moses: And the Lord your God will put all these curses upon your enemies, and on them that hate you, which persecuted you.
Person: Huh, you know what, if you were a person from a different religion, our God would look very much like some sort of evil God to them, what with the cursing and all.
Another Person: One man's god is another man's devil.
Moses: And you shall return and obey the voice of the Lord, and do all his commandments which I command you this day. And the Lord your God will make you plenteous in every work of your hand, in the fruit of your body, and in the fruit of your cattle, and in the fruit of your land, for good, for the Lord will again rejoice over you for good, as he rejoiced over your fathers, if you shall listen to the voice of the Lord your God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which are written in this book of the law, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul. For this commandment which I command you this day, it is not hidden from you, neither is it far off.
Person: One thing he tends to gloss over is how many of us have to obey God's commandment to get all these goodies? I mean, what percentage? 60%? 80%? 95%? 100%? If even just one of us is backsliding will God hold all of us accountable and curse us?
Another Person: He seems real big on collective punishment, that's for sure.
Moses: It is not in heaven, that you should say, "Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it, and do it?" Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, "Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear it, and do it?" But the word is very near to you, in your mouth, and in your heart, that you may do it.
Person: Well, for us Hebrews it is. For everyone else, not so much.
Moses: See, I have set before you this day life and good, and death and evil, in that I command you this day to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that you may live and multiply, and the Lord your God shall bless you in the land where you go to possess it. But if thine heart turn away, so that you will not hear, but shalt be drawn away, and worship other gods, and serve them, I denounce unto you this day, that you shall surely perish, and that you shall not prolong your days upon the land, where you pass over Jordan to go to possess it.
Person: Who is this "you" he is talking about? There are a lot of "yous" making up "us" Hebrews.
Another Person: Whoever he is talking about, we better find them quick before god curses us for their actions.
Moses: I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing, therefore choose life, that both you and your seed may live, that you may love the Lord your God, and that you may obey his voice, and that you may cleave unto him, for he is your life, and the length of your days, that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.
Person: Right. Like an abusive husband who promises that he will stop beating his wife and give her a pretty necklace if she only does everything exactly as he says.
Another Person: Is that wrong? I had no idea.
Person: Geeze, what a long ass way of saying that if, after God curses us, we then start listening to him again, he'll take the curse off.
Another Person: Right. God believes in second chances.
Moses: And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart, and the heart of your seed, to love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, that you may live.
Person: I didn't even know my heart had a foreskin.
Another Person: I don't think you can call it "love" when one person obeys another person out of fear that if they don't, they will end up cursed. Or worse.
Moses: And the Lord your God will put all these curses upon your enemies, and on them that hate you, which persecuted you.
Person: Huh, you know what, if you were a person from a different religion, our God would look very much like some sort of evil God to them, what with the cursing and all.
Another Person: One man's god is another man's devil.
Moses: And you shall return and obey the voice of the Lord, and do all his commandments which I command you this day. And the Lord your God will make you plenteous in every work of your hand, in the fruit of your body, and in the fruit of your cattle, and in the fruit of your land, for good, for the Lord will again rejoice over you for good, as he rejoiced over your fathers, if you shall listen to the voice of the Lord your God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which are written in this book of the law, and if you turn to the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul. For this commandment which I command you this day, it is not hidden from you, neither is it far off.
Person: One thing he tends to gloss over is how many of us have to obey God's commandment to get all these goodies? I mean, what percentage? 60%? 80%? 95%? 100%? If even just one of us is backsliding will God hold all of us accountable and curse us?
Another Person: He seems real big on collective punishment, that's for sure.
Moses: It is not in heaven, that you should say, "Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it, and do it?" Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, "Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear it, and do it?" But the word is very near to you, in your mouth, and in your heart, that you may do it.
Person: Well, for us Hebrews it is. For everyone else, not so much.
Moses: See, I have set before you this day life and good, and death and evil, in that I command you this day to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that you may live and multiply, and the Lord your God shall bless you in the land where you go to possess it. But if thine heart turn away, so that you will not hear, but shalt be drawn away, and worship other gods, and serve them, I denounce unto you this day, that you shall surely perish, and that you shall not prolong your days upon the land, where you pass over Jordan to go to possess it.
Person: Who is this "you" he is talking about? There are a lot of "yous" making up "us" Hebrews.
Another Person: Whoever he is talking about, we better find them quick before god curses us for their actions.
Moses: I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing, therefore choose life, that both you and your seed may live, that you may love the Lord your God, and that you may obey his voice, and that you may cleave unto him, for he is your life, and the length of your days, that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.
Person: Right. Like an abusive husband who promises that he will stop beating his wife and give her a pretty necklace if she only does everything exactly as he says.
Another Person: Is that wrong? I had no idea.
Deuteronomy 29: Moses Repeats Himself
Moses: These are the words of the covenant, which the Lord commanded me to make with the children of Israel in the land of Moab, beside the covenant which he made with them in Horeb. You have seen all that the Lord did before your eyes in the land of Egypt to Pharaoh, and to all his servants, and to all his land. The great temptations which your eyes have seen, the signs, and those great miracles. Yet the Lord has not given you a heart to perceive, and eyes to see, and ears to hear, to this day.
Another Person: Yet, it's somehow OUR fault for not beleiving him.
Person: Aren't all but three of the people who actually saw all those things now dead? Because God says none of the people are fit to enter the promised land?
Another Person: Yep.
Moses: And I have led you forty years in the wilderness, your clothes are not waxen old upon you, and your shoe is not waxen old upon your foot.
Person: Yes, very well constructed our clothing.
Moses: You have not eaten bread, neither have you drunk wine or strong drink, that you might know the Lord your God. And when you came to this place, Sihon the king of Heshbon, and Og the king of Bashan, came out against us to battle, and we smote them, and we took their land, and gave it for an inheritance to the Reubenites, and to the Gadites, and to the half tribe of Manasseh.
Another Person: Yes, we smote them good.
Person: And stole their land better.
Moses: Keep therefore the words of this covenant, and do them, that you may prosper in all that you do. You stand this day all of you before the Lord, your God, your captains of your tribes, your elders, and your officers, with all the men of Israel,
your little ones, your wives, and the stranger that is in your camp, from the hewer of your wood to the drawer of your water, that you should enter into covenant with the Lord your God, and into his oath, which the Lord your God makes with you this day, that he may establish you today for a people to himself, and that he may be to you a God, as he has said to you, and as he has sworn to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.
Another Person: I swear I've heard this a thousand times already.
Moses: Neither with you only do I make this covenant and this oath, but with him that stands here with us this day before the Lord our God, and also with him that is not here with us this day, (For you know how we have dwelt in the land of Egypt, and how we came through the nations which you passed by, and you have seen their abominations, and their idols, wood and stone, silver and gold, which were among them).
Person: Sure, very nice abominations they had.
Moses: Lest there should be among you man, or woman, or family, or tribe, whose heart turns away this day from the Lord our God, to go and serve the gods of these nations, lest there should be among you a root that bears gall and wormwood, and it come to pass, when he hears the words of this curse, that he bless himself in his heart, saying, "I shall have peace, though I walk in the imagination of mine heart, to add drunkenness to thirst."
Person: Yes, I believe I said that just yesterday, those exact words.
Moses: The Lord will not spare him, but then the anger of the Lord and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the Lord shall blot out his name from under heaven.
Another Person: Oh, you are in so much trouble.
Person: D'oh!
Moses: And the Lord shall separate him to evil out of all the tribes of Israel, according to all the curses of the covenant that are written in this book of the law, so that the generation to come of your children that shall rise up after you, and the stranger that shall come from a far land, shall say, when they see the plagues of that land, and the sicknesses which the Lord has laid upon it, and that the whole land thereof is brimstone, and salt, and burning, that it is not sown, nor bears, nor any grass grows therein, like the overthrow of Sodom, and Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboim, which the Lord overthrew in his anger, and in his wrath, even all nations shall say, "Wherefore has the Lord done thus to this land? What means the heat of this great anger?"
Person: I think the answer is: because He has anger-management problems.
Moses: Then men shall say, "Because they have forsaken the covenant of the Lord God of their fathers, which he made with them when he brought them forth out of the land of Egypt...
Another Person: I like your answer better.
Moses: ...for they went and served other gods, and worshipped them, gods whom they knew not, and whom he had not given to them, and the anger of the Lord was kindled against this land, to bring upon it all the curses that are written in this book, and the Lord rooted them out of their land in anger, and in wrath, and in great indignation, and cast them into another land, as it is this day.
Person: What day is it?
Moses: The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.
Another Person: Yet, it's somehow OUR fault for not beleiving him.
Person: Aren't all but three of the people who actually saw all those things now dead? Because God says none of the people are fit to enter the promised land?
Another Person: Yep.
Moses: And I have led you forty years in the wilderness, your clothes are not waxen old upon you, and your shoe is not waxen old upon your foot.
Person: Yes, very well constructed our clothing.
Moses: You have not eaten bread, neither have you drunk wine or strong drink, that you might know the Lord your God. And when you came to this place, Sihon the king of Heshbon, and Og the king of Bashan, came out against us to battle, and we smote them, and we took their land, and gave it for an inheritance to the Reubenites, and to the Gadites, and to the half tribe of Manasseh.
Another Person: Yes, we smote them good.
Person: And stole their land better.
Moses: Keep therefore the words of this covenant, and do them, that you may prosper in all that you do. You stand this day all of you before the Lord, your God, your captains of your tribes, your elders, and your officers, with all the men of Israel,
your little ones, your wives, and the stranger that is in your camp, from the hewer of your wood to the drawer of your water, that you should enter into covenant with the Lord your God, and into his oath, which the Lord your God makes with you this day, that he may establish you today for a people to himself, and that he may be to you a God, as he has said to you, and as he has sworn to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.
Another Person: I swear I've heard this a thousand times already.
Moses: Neither with you only do I make this covenant and this oath, but with him that stands here with us this day before the Lord our God, and also with him that is not here with us this day, (For you know how we have dwelt in the land of Egypt, and how we came through the nations which you passed by, and you have seen their abominations, and their idols, wood and stone, silver and gold, which were among them).
Person: Sure, very nice abominations they had.
Moses: Lest there should be among you man, or woman, or family, or tribe, whose heart turns away this day from the Lord our God, to go and serve the gods of these nations, lest there should be among you a root that bears gall and wormwood, and it come to pass, when he hears the words of this curse, that he bless himself in his heart, saying, "I shall have peace, though I walk in the imagination of mine heart, to add drunkenness to thirst."
Person: Yes, I believe I said that just yesterday, those exact words.
Moses: The Lord will not spare him, but then the anger of the Lord and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the Lord shall blot out his name from under heaven.
Another Person: Oh, you are in so much trouble.
Person: D'oh!
Moses: And the Lord shall separate him to evil out of all the tribes of Israel, according to all the curses of the covenant that are written in this book of the law, so that the generation to come of your children that shall rise up after you, and the stranger that shall come from a far land, shall say, when they see the plagues of that land, and the sicknesses which the Lord has laid upon it, and that the whole land thereof is brimstone, and salt, and burning, that it is not sown, nor bears, nor any grass grows therein, like the overthrow of Sodom, and Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboim, which the Lord overthrew in his anger, and in his wrath, even all nations shall say, "Wherefore has the Lord done thus to this land? What means the heat of this great anger?"
Person: I think the answer is: because He has anger-management problems.
Moses: Then men shall say, "Because they have forsaken the covenant of the Lord God of their fathers, which he made with them when he brought them forth out of the land of Egypt...
Another Person: I like your answer better.
Moses: ...for they went and served other gods, and worshipped them, gods whom they knew not, and whom he had not given to them, and the anger of the Lord was kindled against this land, to bring upon it all the curses that are written in this book, and the Lord rooted them out of their land in anger, and in wrath, and in great indignation, and cast them into another land, as it is this day.
Person: What day is it?
Moses: The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong to us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Deuteronomy 28: God's Carrot and Stick and Stick and Stick Approach to Free Will and Commandment Compliance
Moses: And it shall come to pass, if you shall listen diligently to the voice of the Lord your God, to observe and to do all his commandments which I command you this day, that the Lord your God will set you on high above all nations of the earth.
Person: Awesome! I can't wait till we rule the world!
Another Person: That will be cool.
Moses: And all these blessings shall come on you, and overtake you, if you shall listen to the voice of the Lord your God. Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field.
Person: Yes, that's cool. But, really, when we rule the world, we'll simply order other countries to send us all their best food. I doubt we'll care to actually, you know, do any work.
Moses: Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, and the fruit of your ground, and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your kine, and the flocks of your sheep.
Another Person: Actually, I think I will order other countries to send us their best looking women. I mean, why not?
Moses: Blessed shall be your basket and you store.
Person: Great Moses, bless our baskets and stores. That's really something, compared to, I don't know, ruling over the world.
Moses: Blessed shalt you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.
Another Person: Is that a sex thing?
Moses: The Lord shall cause your enemies that rise up against you to be smitten before your face. They shall come out against you one way, and flee before you seven ways.
Person: Sweet!
Moses: The Lord shall command the blessing upon you in your storehouses, and in all that you set your hand unto, and he shall bless you in the land which the Lord your God gives you.
Another Person: I'm putting my hand unto some fine foreign ass.
Moses: The Lord shall establish you a holy people to himself, as he has sworn to you, if you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, and walk in his ways.And all people of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the Lord and they shall be afraid of you.
Another Person: I hope the foreign chicks ain't too afraid.
Moses: And the Lord shall make you plenteous in goods, in the fruit of your body, and in the fruit of your cattle, and in the fruit of your ground, in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give your.
Person: So, both blessed and plenteous.
Moses: The Lord shall open to you his good treasure, the heaven to give the rain to your land in his season, and to bless all the work of your hand and you shall lend to many nations, and you shall not borrow.
Person: Yes, I remember this promise. We'll be the fiscally responsible nation.
Another Person: And everyone will love us, because who doesn't love their loan holder?
Moses: And the Lord shall make you the head, and not the tail, and you shall be above only, and you shall not be beneath, if you hearken to the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you this day, to observe and to do them.
Person: We'll be kings! Hell damn ass kings!
Another Person: I plain to be a benevolent dictator. Mostly.
Moses: And you shall not go aside from any of the words which I command you this day, to the right hand, or to the left, to go after other gods to serve them. But it shall come to pass, if you will not listen to the voice of the Lord your God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command you this day, that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake you...
Person: Oh, boy, I bet this ain't good.
Another Person: Have you ever known this God's curses to be good?
Moses: Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field.Cursed shall be your basket and your store store.
Person: I believe I'm sensing a pattern.
Moses: Cursed shall be the fruit of your body, and the fruit of your land, the increase of your kine, and the flocks of your sheep. Cursed shall you be when you come in, and cursed shall you be when you go out.
Another Person: It's got to be a sex thing.
Moses: The Lord shall send upon you cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that you set your hand to for to do, until you be destroyed, and until you perish quickly, because of the wickedness of your doings, whereby you have forsaken me.
Person: Well, at least we'll die quickly.
Moses: The Lord shall make the pestilence cleave to you, until he have consumed you from off the land, when you go to possess it. The Lord shall smite you with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew, and they shall pursue you until you perish.
Another Person: That sounds like the opposite of quick death.
Moses: And your heaven that is over your head shall be brass, and the earth that is under you shall be iron. The Lord shall make the rain of your land powder and dust, from heaven shall it come down upon you, until you be destroyed. The Lord shall cause you to be smitten before your enemies, you shall go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them, and shall be removed to all the kingdoms of the earth.
Person: Yep, a definite pattern here.
Moses: And your carcass shall be meat to all fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. The Lord will smite you with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.
Another Person: Great, hemorrhoids, scabs and itchiness. This God truly has an awsome mind for sick torture.
Moses: The Lord shall smite you with madness, blindness, and astonishment of heart,
And you shall grope at noonday, as the blind gropes in darkness, and you shall not prosper in your ways, and you shall be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save you.
Person: Well, that's plenty awful all right. Yep, You've seem to have covered everything...
Moses: You shall betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her, you shalt build an house, and you shall not dwell therein, you shall plant a vineyard, and shall not gather the grapes thereof.
Person: How did Moses meet your wife anyway?
Another Person: Funny.
Moses: Your ox shall be slain before your eyes, and you shall not eat thereof, your ass shall be violently taken away from before your face, and shall not be restored to you, your sheep shall be given to your enemies, and you shall have none to rescue them.
Person: Right, we'll lose our animals. Got it.
Moses: Your sons and your daughters shall be given to another people, and your eyes shall look, and fail with longing for them all the day long, and there shall be no might in your hand.
Another Person: Children will be slaves, blindness and weakness.
Moses: The fruit of your land, and all your labors, shall a nation you not know will eat up...
Person: France?
Moses: ...and you shall be only oppressed and crushed always, so that you shall be mad for the sight of your eyes which you shall see. The Lord shall smite you in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of your foot to the top of thy head.
Another Person: Wow, major medical problems.
Moses: The Lord shall bring you, and your king which you shall set over you, unto a nation which neither you nor your fathers have known, and there shall you serve other gods, wood and stone.
Person: Great, back to slavery.
Moses: And you shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all nations where the Lord shall lead you. You shall carry much seed out into the field, and shall gather but little in, for the locust shall consume it.
Another Person: Locusts? I hate locusts.
Moses: You shall plant vineyards, and dress them, but shall neither drink of the wine, nor gather the grapes, for the worms shall eat them.
Person: Worms? I hate worms.
Moses: You shall have olive trees throughout all your coasts, but you shall not anoint yourself with the oil, for thine olive shall cast his fruit. You shall beget sons and daughters, but you shall not enjoy them, for they shall go into captivity.
Another Person: you told us that one.
Person: How much longer is he going to go on? I got work to do.
Moses: All your trees and fruit of your land shall the locust consume.
Another Person: Repeat. Can't be much longer.
Moses: The stranger that is within you shall get up above you very high, and you shall come down very low. He shall lend to you, and you shall not lend to him, he shall be the head, and you shall be the tail. Moreover all these curses shall come upon you, and shall pursue you, and overtake you, till you be destroyed, because you listened not to the voice of the Lord your God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded you. And they shall be upon you for a sign and for a wonder, and upon you seed for ever. Because you served not the Lord your God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things....
Person: Well, that should wrap it up then, right? Let's be off....
Moses: Therefore shall you serve your enemies which the Lord shall send against you, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things, and he shall put a yoke of iron upon your neck, until he has destroyed you. The Lord shall bring a nation against you from far, from the end of the earth, as swift as the eagle flies, a nation whose tongue you shall not understand, a nation of fierce countenance, which shall not regard the person of the old, nor show favor to the young....
Person: Well, they sound like right bastards.
Moses: And he shall eat the fruit of your cattle, and the fruit of your land, until you be destroyed, which also shall not leave you either corn, wine, or oil, or the increase of your kine, or flocks of your sheep, until he has destroyed you. And he shall besiege you in all your gates, until your high and fenced walls come down, wherein you trusted, throughout all your land: and he shall besiege you in all your gates throughout all your land, which the Lord your God has given you.
Another Person: What a long-winded way of saying they conquer us.
Moses: And you shall eat the fruit of your own body, the flesh of your sons and of your daughters, which the Lord your God has given you, in the siege, and in the straitness, wherewith your enemies shall distress you...
Person: We'll eat our own kids?
Another Person: Tastes like chicken. Now, can we PLEASE wrap up this little horror story?
Moses: So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave, so that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his children whom he shall eat, because he has nothing left him in the siege, and in the straitness, wherewith your enemies shall distress you in all your gates. The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter. And toward her young one that comes out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear, for she shall eat them for want of all things secretly in the siege and straitness, wherewith your enemy shall distress you in your gates.
Person: Wow, he just goes on and on.
Another Person: I got a deck of cards here, want to paly a game?
Person: Sure.
Moses: If you will not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou may fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD,then the LORD will make your plagues wonderful, and the plagues of your seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance....
Person: Got three?
Another Person: Go fish.
Moses: And it shall come to pass, that as the Lord rejoiced over you to do you good, and to multiply you, so the Lord will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought, and you shall be plucked from off the land where you go to possess it...
Another Person: Got any queens?
Person: Two.
Moses: And the Lord shall scatter you among all people, from the one end of the earth even to the other and there you shall serve other gods, which neither thou nor your fathers have known, even wood and stone. And among these nations shalt you find no ease....
Person: I kind of feel guilty for not paying attention.
Another Person: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll hear about it again, and again and again.
Moses: And the Lord shall bring you into Egypt again with ships, by the way whereof I spoke to you, you shall see it no more again, and there you shall be sold to your enemies for bondmen and bondwomen, and no man shall buy you.
Person: Of all the threats I've heard today, that must be the weakest.
Another Person: Yeah, after having to eat your own kids, not being able to find someone to buy you into slavery probably ranks as a vast improvement.
Additional Commentary Here
Person: Awesome! I can't wait till we rule the world!
Another Person: That will be cool.
Moses: And all these blessings shall come on you, and overtake you, if you shall listen to the voice of the Lord your God. Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field.
Person: Yes, that's cool. But, really, when we rule the world, we'll simply order other countries to send us all their best food. I doubt we'll care to actually, you know, do any work.
Moses: Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, and the fruit of your ground, and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your kine, and the flocks of your sheep.
Another Person: Actually, I think I will order other countries to send us their best looking women. I mean, why not?
Moses: Blessed shall be your basket and you store.
Person: Great Moses, bless our baskets and stores. That's really something, compared to, I don't know, ruling over the world.
Moses: Blessed shalt you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.
Another Person: Is that a sex thing?
Moses: The Lord shall cause your enemies that rise up against you to be smitten before your face. They shall come out against you one way, and flee before you seven ways.
Person: Sweet!
Moses: The Lord shall command the blessing upon you in your storehouses, and in all that you set your hand unto, and he shall bless you in the land which the Lord your God gives you.
Another Person: I'm putting my hand unto some fine foreign ass.
Moses: The Lord shall establish you a holy people to himself, as he has sworn to you, if you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, and walk in his ways.And all people of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the Lord and they shall be afraid of you.
Another Person: I hope the foreign chicks ain't too afraid.
Moses: And the Lord shall make you plenteous in goods, in the fruit of your body, and in the fruit of your cattle, and in the fruit of your ground, in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give your.
Person: So, both blessed and plenteous.
Moses: The Lord shall open to you his good treasure, the heaven to give the rain to your land in his season, and to bless all the work of your hand and you shall lend to many nations, and you shall not borrow.
Person: Yes, I remember this promise. We'll be the fiscally responsible nation.
Another Person: And everyone will love us, because who doesn't love their loan holder?
Moses: And the Lord shall make you the head, and not the tail, and you shall be above only, and you shall not be beneath, if you hearken to the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you this day, to observe and to do them.
Person: We'll be kings! Hell damn ass kings!
Another Person: I plain to be a benevolent dictator. Mostly.
Moses: And you shall not go aside from any of the words which I command you this day, to the right hand, or to the left, to go after other gods to serve them. But it shall come to pass, if you will not listen to the voice of the Lord your God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command you this day, that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake you...
Person: Oh, boy, I bet this ain't good.
Another Person: Have you ever known this God's curses to be good?
Moses: Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field.Cursed shall be your basket and your store store.
Person: I believe I'm sensing a pattern.
Moses: Cursed shall be the fruit of your body, and the fruit of your land, the increase of your kine, and the flocks of your sheep. Cursed shall you be when you come in, and cursed shall you be when you go out.
Another Person: It's got to be a sex thing.
Moses: The Lord shall send upon you cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that you set your hand to for to do, until you be destroyed, and until you perish quickly, because of the wickedness of your doings, whereby you have forsaken me.
Person: Well, at least we'll die quickly.
Moses: The Lord shall make the pestilence cleave to you, until he have consumed you from off the land, when you go to possess it. The Lord shall smite you with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew, and they shall pursue you until you perish.
Another Person: That sounds like the opposite of quick death.
Moses: And your heaven that is over your head shall be brass, and the earth that is under you shall be iron. The Lord shall make the rain of your land powder and dust, from heaven shall it come down upon you, until you be destroyed. The Lord shall cause you to be smitten before your enemies, you shall go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them, and shall be removed to all the kingdoms of the earth.
Person: Yep, a definite pattern here.
Moses: And your carcass shall be meat to all fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. The Lord will smite you with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.
Another Person: Great, hemorrhoids, scabs and itchiness. This God truly has an awsome mind for sick torture.
Moses: The Lord shall smite you with madness, blindness, and astonishment of heart,
And you shall grope at noonday, as the blind gropes in darkness, and you shall not prosper in your ways, and you shall be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save you.
Person: Well, that's plenty awful all right. Yep, You've seem to have covered everything...
Moses: You shall betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her, you shalt build an house, and you shall not dwell therein, you shall plant a vineyard, and shall not gather the grapes thereof.
Person: How did Moses meet your wife anyway?
Another Person: Funny.
Moses: Your ox shall be slain before your eyes, and you shall not eat thereof, your ass shall be violently taken away from before your face, and shall not be restored to you, your sheep shall be given to your enemies, and you shall have none to rescue them.
Person: Right, we'll lose our animals. Got it.
Moses: Your sons and your daughters shall be given to another people, and your eyes shall look, and fail with longing for them all the day long, and there shall be no might in your hand.
Another Person: Children will be slaves, blindness and weakness.
Moses: The fruit of your land, and all your labors, shall a nation you not know will eat up...
Person: France?
Moses: ...and you shall be only oppressed and crushed always, so that you shall be mad for the sight of your eyes which you shall see. The Lord shall smite you in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of your foot to the top of thy head.
Another Person: Wow, major medical problems.
Moses: The Lord shall bring you, and your king which you shall set over you, unto a nation which neither you nor your fathers have known, and there shall you serve other gods, wood and stone.
Person: Great, back to slavery.
Moses: And you shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all nations where the Lord shall lead you. You shall carry much seed out into the field, and shall gather but little in, for the locust shall consume it.
Another Person: Locusts? I hate locusts.
Moses: You shall plant vineyards, and dress them, but shall neither drink of the wine, nor gather the grapes, for the worms shall eat them.
Person: Worms? I hate worms.
Moses: You shall have olive trees throughout all your coasts, but you shall not anoint yourself with the oil, for thine olive shall cast his fruit. You shall beget sons and daughters, but you shall not enjoy them, for they shall go into captivity.
Another Person: you told us that one.
Person: How much longer is he going to go on? I got work to do.
Moses: All your trees and fruit of your land shall the locust consume.
Another Person: Repeat. Can't be much longer.
Moses: The stranger that is within you shall get up above you very high, and you shall come down very low. He shall lend to you, and you shall not lend to him, he shall be the head, and you shall be the tail. Moreover all these curses shall come upon you, and shall pursue you, and overtake you, till you be destroyed, because you listened not to the voice of the Lord your God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded you. And they shall be upon you for a sign and for a wonder, and upon you seed for ever. Because you served not the Lord your God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things....
Person: Well, that should wrap it up then, right? Let's be off....
Moses: Therefore shall you serve your enemies which the Lord shall send against you, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things, and he shall put a yoke of iron upon your neck, until he has destroyed you. The Lord shall bring a nation against you from far, from the end of the earth, as swift as the eagle flies, a nation whose tongue you shall not understand, a nation of fierce countenance, which shall not regard the person of the old, nor show favor to the young....
Person: Well, they sound like right bastards.
Moses: And he shall eat the fruit of your cattle, and the fruit of your land, until you be destroyed, which also shall not leave you either corn, wine, or oil, or the increase of your kine, or flocks of your sheep, until he has destroyed you. And he shall besiege you in all your gates, until your high and fenced walls come down, wherein you trusted, throughout all your land: and he shall besiege you in all your gates throughout all your land, which the Lord your God has given you.
Another Person: What a long-winded way of saying they conquer us.
Moses: And you shall eat the fruit of your own body, the flesh of your sons and of your daughters, which the Lord your God has given you, in the siege, and in the straitness, wherewith your enemies shall distress you...
Person: We'll eat our own kids?
Another Person: Tastes like chicken. Now, can we PLEASE wrap up this little horror story?
Moses: So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave, so that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his children whom he shall eat, because he has nothing left him in the siege, and in the straitness, wherewith your enemies shall distress you in all your gates. The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter. And toward her young one that comes out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear, for she shall eat them for want of all things secretly in the siege and straitness, wherewith your enemy shall distress you in your gates.
Person: Wow, he just goes on and on.
Another Person: I got a deck of cards here, want to paly a game?
Person: Sure.
Moses: If you will not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou may fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD,then the LORD will make your plagues wonderful, and the plagues of your seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance....
Person: Got three?
Another Person: Go fish.
Moses: And it shall come to pass, that as the Lord rejoiced over you to do you good, and to multiply you, so the Lord will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought, and you shall be plucked from off the land where you go to possess it...
Another Person: Got any queens?
Person: Two.
Moses: And the Lord shall scatter you among all people, from the one end of the earth even to the other and there you shall serve other gods, which neither thou nor your fathers have known, even wood and stone. And among these nations shalt you find no ease....
Person: I kind of feel guilty for not paying attention.
Another Person: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll hear about it again, and again and again.
Moses: And the Lord shall bring you into Egypt again with ships, by the way whereof I spoke to you, you shall see it no more again, and there you shall be sold to your enemies for bondmen and bondwomen, and no man shall buy you.
Person: Of all the threats I've heard today, that must be the weakest.
Another Person: Yeah, after having to eat your own kids, not being able to find someone to buy you into slavery probably ranks as a vast improvement.
Additional Commentary Here
Deuteronomy 27: Amen To No Incest, Killing or Tricking Blind People
Moses: Keep all the commandments which I command you this day. And it shall be on the day when you pass over Jordan into the land which the Lord your God gives you, that you shall set you up great stones, and plaster them with plaster, and you shall write upon them all the words of this law, when you are passed over, that you may go into the land which the Lord your God gives you, a land that flows with milk and honey, as the Lord God of your fathers has promised you.
Person: Right. Great stones with the commandments on them.
Moses: And there shall you build an altar to the Lord your God, an altar of stones, you shalt not lift up any iron tool on them. You shall build the altar of the Lord of whole stones, and you shall offer burnt offerings there on to the Lord and you shall offer peace offerings, and shall eat there, and rejoice before the Lord your God.
Another Person: Well, that's nice. Much easier than carving everything.
Moses: And you shall write upon the stones all the words of this law very plainly.
Person: So simple even an imbecile will understand it, Moses.
Another Person: Good luck.
Moses: Take heed, and hearken, O Israel, this day you become the people of the Lord your God.
Person: This day? I thought for sure it would have been some time ago. Like, maybe after we got circumcised?
Another Person: You'd hope.
Moses: You shall therefore obey the voice of the Lord your God, and do his commandments and his statutes, which I command you this day.
Person: Never mind the commandments he gave us, like, forever ago.
Moses: Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin shall stand upon mount Gerizim to bless the people, when you come over Jordan. Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali shall stand upon mount Ebal to curse.
Another Person: I think I'd much rather have that job.
Person: I'd be good at it.
Moses: And the Levites shall speak, and say to all the men of Israel with a loud voice, "Cursed be the man that makes any graven or molten image, an abomination to the Lord, the work of the hands of the craftsman, and puts it in a secret place."
Person: His butt?
Another Person: Childish.
Moses: And all the people shall answer and say, "Amen." "Cursed be he that sets light by his father or his mother."
Person: I don't get that one.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that removes his neighbor's landmark.
Another Person: Right, don't screw with the landmarks.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that makes the blind to wander out of the way.
Person: Now that's just cruel.
Another Person: But funny. Real funny.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that perverts the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow.
Person: So, all politicians, then?
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with his father's wife, because he uncovers his father's skirt.
Another Person: So, very, very, wrong.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with any manner of beast.
Person: I fear I know far too much about Moses's hobbies.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother.
Person: So, incest is not best.
Another Person: Go tell that to Abraham. And all of Adam and Eve's kids.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with his mother in law.
Person: Oh, wow. Gross.
Another Person: Have you not been paying attention to everything he just said. It's all gross.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that smites his neighbor secretly.
Person: Yeah, I smite them publicly.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that takes reward to slay an innocent person.
Person: Didn't we do that when we killed all those people God told us to kill?
Another Person: And we'll do it again. Just watch.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that confirms not all the words of this law to do them. And all the people shall say, "Amen."
Person: Well, on the whole, these are pretty good commandments. No incest, no killing, don't screw with blind people, don't try to steal your neighbor's land. These are all very well done. We're quite lucky, he's given worse commandment in the past.
Another Person: Amen.
http://ryogam.blogspot.com/2009/11/driving-peterbilt-commentary_08.html
Person: Right. Great stones with the commandments on them.
Moses: And there shall you build an altar to the Lord your God, an altar of stones, you shalt not lift up any iron tool on them. You shall build the altar of the Lord of whole stones, and you shall offer burnt offerings there on to the Lord and you shall offer peace offerings, and shall eat there, and rejoice before the Lord your God.
Another Person: Well, that's nice. Much easier than carving everything.
Moses: And you shall write upon the stones all the words of this law very plainly.
Person: So simple even an imbecile will understand it, Moses.
Another Person: Good luck.
Moses: Take heed, and hearken, O Israel, this day you become the people of the Lord your God.
Person: This day? I thought for sure it would have been some time ago. Like, maybe after we got circumcised?
Another Person: You'd hope.
Moses: You shall therefore obey the voice of the Lord your God, and do his commandments and his statutes, which I command you this day.
Person: Never mind the commandments he gave us, like, forever ago.
Moses: Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin shall stand upon mount Gerizim to bless the people, when you come over Jordan. Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali shall stand upon mount Ebal to curse.
Another Person: I think I'd much rather have that job.
Person: I'd be good at it.
Moses: And the Levites shall speak, and say to all the men of Israel with a loud voice, "Cursed be the man that makes any graven or molten image, an abomination to the Lord, the work of the hands of the craftsman, and puts it in a secret place."
Person: His butt?
Another Person: Childish.
Moses: And all the people shall answer and say, "Amen." "Cursed be he that sets light by his father or his mother."
Person: I don't get that one.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that removes his neighbor's landmark.
Another Person: Right, don't screw with the landmarks.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that makes the blind to wander out of the way.
Person: Now that's just cruel.
Another Person: But funny. Real funny.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that perverts the judgment of the stranger, fatherless, and widow.
Person: So, all politicians, then?
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with his father's wife, because he uncovers his father's skirt.
Another Person: So, very, very, wrong.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with any manner of beast.
Person: I fear I know far too much about Moses's hobbies.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother.
Person: So, incest is not best.
Another Person: Go tell that to Abraham. And all of Adam and Eve's kids.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that lies with his mother in law.
Person: Oh, wow. Gross.
Another Person: Have you not been paying attention to everything he just said. It's all gross.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that smites his neighbor secretly.
Person: Yeah, I smite them publicly.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that takes reward to slay an innocent person.
Person: Didn't we do that when we killed all those people God told us to kill?
Another Person: And we'll do it again. Just watch.
Moses: And all the people shall say, "Amen." Cursed be he that confirms not all the words of this law to do them. And all the people shall say, "Amen."
Person: Well, on the whole, these are pretty good commandments. No incest, no killing, don't screw with blind people, don't try to steal your neighbor's land. These are all very well done. We're quite lucky, he's given worse commandment in the past.
Another Person: Amen.
http://ryogam.blogspot.com/2009/11/driving-peterbilt-commentary_08.html
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Deuteronomy 26:First-fruits and Tithing
Moses: And it shall be, when you come into the land which the Lord your God gives you for an inheritance, and possess it, that you shall take of the first of all the fruit of the earth, and shall put it in a basket, go to the place which the Lord your God shall choose to place his name.
Person: "Mr. God dwells here."
Moses: And you shall go to the priest, and say to him, "I profess this day to the Lord, that I come to the country which the Lord swore to our fathers to give us."
Another Person: Right. We need to remind him why we're here.
Moses: And the priest shall take the basket out of your hand, and set it down before the altar of the Lord your God. And you shall speak and say before the Lord your God, "A Syrian ready to perish was my father..."
Person: My dad wasn't Syrian.
Another Person: Mine was. And after living with mom 25 years, he was ready to die.
Moses: "...and he went down into Egypt, and sojourned there with a few, and became there a nation, great, mighty, and populous, and the Egyptians evil entreated us, and afflicted us, and laid upon us hard bondage..."
Person: After we, you know, sided with Egypt's enemies.
Another Person: Everyone forgets that part.
Moses: "...and when we cried to the Lord God of our fathers, the Lord heard our voice..."
Person: After several hundred years.
Moses: "...and looked on our affliction, and our labor, and our oppression, and the Lord brought us forth out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and with an outstretched arm, and with great terribleness, and with signs, and with wonders..."
Another Person: Yes, killing all the first-born was quite a terrible wonder.
Moses: "...and he has brought us into this place, and has given us this land, even a land that flows with milk and honey. And now, behold, I have brought the firstfruits of the land, which you, O Lord, have given me." And you shall set it before the Lord your God, and worship before the Lord your God, and you shall rejoice in every good thing which the Lord your God has given to you, and to your house, you, and the Levite, and the stranger that is among you.
Person: And then God will eat it.
Another Person: Now that's just silly. God doesn't need to eat. He just needs the ass-kissing.
Moses: When you have made an end of tithing all the tithes of your increase the third year, which is the year of tithing, and have given it to the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within your gates, and be filled, then you shall say before the Lord your God, "I have brought away the hallowed things out of mine house, and also have given them to the Levite, and to the stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow..."
Person: One of these things is not like the other.
Moses: "...according to all your commandments which you have commanded me, I have not transgressed your commandments, neither have I forgotten them. I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away anything thereof for any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead, but I have hearkened to the voice of the Lord my God, and have done according to all that you have commanded me. Look down from your holy habitation, from heaven, and bless your people Israel, and the land which you have given us, as you swore to our fathers, a land that flows with milk and honey."
Person: Write that down. There is no way I'll be able to remember it all.
Moses: This day the Lord your God has commanded you to do these statutes and judgments, you shall therefore keep and do them with all your heart, and with all your soul.
Another Person: I'll probably do it with half my heart and a quarter of my soul.
Moses: You have avouched the Lord this day to be your God, and to walk in his ways, and to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and to hearken unto his voice....
Person: Well, only because I haven't actually been able to explore my god options. I mean, I might have vouched another god to be my God, if I didn't have to worry about being put to death for doing so.
Another Person: Yes, one that promised me a land flowing with beer and strippers, for example.
Person: Oh, I like the sound of that god. What's his name?
Another Person: I don't know. This God refuses to let me find out.
Moses: ...and the Lord has avouched you this day to be his peculiar people, as he has promised you, and that you should keep all his commandments, and to make you high above all nations which he has made, in praise, and in name, and in honor, and that you may be a holy people to the Lord your God, as he has spoken.
Person: Well, that sounds good. I bet someday we'll totally rule the would. Just us Hebrews, at the top, controlling everything, on God's command.
Another Person: Sounds like crazy conspiracy theory to me.
Additional Commentary Here
Person: "Mr. God dwells here."
Moses: And you shall go to the priest, and say to him, "I profess this day to the Lord, that I come to the country which the Lord swore to our fathers to give us."
Another Person: Right. We need to remind him why we're here.
Moses: And the priest shall take the basket out of your hand, and set it down before the altar of the Lord your God. And you shall speak and say before the Lord your God, "A Syrian ready to perish was my father..."
Person: My dad wasn't Syrian.
Another Person: Mine was. And after living with mom 25 years, he was ready to die.
Moses: "...and he went down into Egypt, and sojourned there with a few, and became there a nation, great, mighty, and populous, and the Egyptians evil entreated us, and afflicted us, and laid upon us hard bondage..."
Person: After we, you know, sided with Egypt's enemies.
Another Person: Everyone forgets that part.
Moses: "...and when we cried to the Lord God of our fathers, the Lord heard our voice..."
Person: After several hundred years.
Moses: "...and looked on our affliction, and our labor, and our oppression, and the Lord brought us forth out of Egypt with a mighty hand, and with an outstretched arm, and with great terribleness, and with signs, and with wonders..."
Another Person: Yes, killing all the first-born was quite a terrible wonder.
Moses: "...and he has brought us into this place, and has given us this land, even a land that flows with milk and honey. And now, behold, I have brought the firstfruits of the land, which you, O Lord, have given me." And you shall set it before the Lord your God, and worship before the Lord your God, and you shall rejoice in every good thing which the Lord your God has given to you, and to your house, you, and the Levite, and the stranger that is among you.
Person: And then God will eat it.
Another Person: Now that's just silly. God doesn't need to eat. He just needs the ass-kissing.
Moses: When you have made an end of tithing all the tithes of your increase the third year, which is the year of tithing, and have given it to the Levite, the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, that they may eat within your gates, and be filled, then you shall say before the Lord your God, "I have brought away the hallowed things out of mine house, and also have given them to the Levite, and to the stranger, to the fatherless, and to the widow..."
Person: One of these things is not like the other.
Moses: "...according to all your commandments which you have commanded me, I have not transgressed your commandments, neither have I forgotten them. I have not eaten thereof in my mourning, neither have I taken away anything thereof for any unclean use, nor given ought thereof for the dead, but I have hearkened to the voice of the Lord my God, and have done according to all that you have commanded me. Look down from your holy habitation, from heaven, and bless your people Israel, and the land which you have given us, as you swore to our fathers, a land that flows with milk and honey."
Person: Write that down. There is no way I'll be able to remember it all.
Moses: This day the Lord your God has commanded you to do these statutes and judgments, you shall therefore keep and do them with all your heart, and with all your soul.
Another Person: I'll probably do it with half my heart and a quarter of my soul.
Moses: You have avouched the Lord this day to be your God, and to walk in his ways, and to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and to hearken unto his voice....
Person: Well, only because I haven't actually been able to explore my god options. I mean, I might have vouched another god to be my God, if I didn't have to worry about being put to death for doing so.
Another Person: Yes, one that promised me a land flowing with beer and strippers, for example.
Person: Oh, I like the sound of that god. What's his name?
Another Person: I don't know. This God refuses to let me find out.
Moses: ...and the Lord has avouched you this day to be his peculiar people, as he has promised you, and that you should keep all his commandments, and to make you high above all nations which he has made, in praise, and in name, and in honor, and that you may be a holy people to the Lord your God, as he has spoken.
Person: Well, that sounds good. I bet someday we'll totally rule the would. Just us Hebrews, at the top, controlling everything, on God's command.
Another Person: Sounds like crazy conspiracy theory to me.
Additional Commentary Here
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