Sunday, August 28, 2011

2 Kings 5: Elisha Heals Leper

Naaman: What a world. I'm captain of the host of the king of Syria, a great man with my master, and honorable, a mighty man in valor, but I'm also a leper.

Naaman's wife: At least you still have your peck....

Servant: To bad he isn't with the prophet in Samaria. He'd cure the leprosy.

Naaman: You think?

King of Syria: Worth a try, right? Go ahead, I'll send a letter to the king of Israel so he'll let you come.

Naaman: I'd better take some money with me, as well. Ten talents of silver, six thousand pieces of gold, and ten changes of raiment should do it.

LATER

Naaman: Here's a letter from my knig explaining everything.

King of Israel: Let's see it. Blah, blah, Naaman, Blah, blah, LEPROSY! Blah, Blah, Healer? What the hell! Am I God, to kill and to make alive, that your king sends to me to heal a man of his leprosy? Clearly, he seeks a quarrel against me.

Naaman: That's not quite the reception I expected.

LATER

Guy: So, he tore his clothes and said that.

Elisha: Really? Messenger!

Messenger: Yes?

Elisha: Go to the king of Israel and tell him I said, "Why have you rent your clothes? Let him come now to me, and he shall know that there is a prophet in Israel."

Messenger: Will do.

LATER

Naaman: Hello, is anyone home.

Messenger: Someone is at the door. I think it's the leper.

Elisha: Groos. I almost forgot. You go and tell him to go wash in the Jordan river seven times, and that his flesh shall come again to him and be clean.

Messenger: Go wash in the river.

Naaman: What!?! How dare he! I thought, "He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.

Messenger: Yeah, God is a little tricky like that. Sometimes he can just zap you healthy. Sometimes you got to do a whole song and dance for him. God wants you to do the song and dance.

Naaman: And the Jordan river? Are not Abana and Pharpar, rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? May I not wash in them, and be clean?

Messenger: Guess not.

Naaman: Bah! What a stupid, stupid God.

Servants: My father, what if the prophet had asked you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much better then, when he says to you, "Wash, and be clean?"

Naaman: You may be right. Fine, I'll do it.

LATER

Naaman: And number seven.

Servants: Look, your skin is clean! Too bad God doesn't let every leper heal themselves this way. God's kind of a dick.

Naaman: Now, let's go show Elisha!

LATER

Naaman: Elisha! Behold, now I know that there is no God in all the earth, but in Israel, now therefore, I pray you, take a blessing of your servant.

Elisha: As the Lord lives, before whom I stand, I will receive none.

Naaman: Pretty please?

Elisha: Nope.

Naaman :Shall there not then, I pray you, be given to your servant two mules' burden of earth? For your servant will henceforth offer neither burnt offering nor sacrifice to other gods, but to the Lord. In this thing the Lord pardon your servant, that when my master goes into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leans on my hand, and I bow myself in the house of Rimmon, when I bow down myself in the house of Rimmon, the Lord pardon you servant in this thing.

Elisha: Sure. Go in peace.

Gehazi: Elisha might not want anything, but I do. Hey, Naaman, wait!

Naaman: Is all well?

Gehazi: Yes, but, uh, my master has sent me, saying, "Behold, even now there come to me from mount Ephraim two young men of the sons of the prophets, give them, I pray you, a talent of silver, and two changes of garments."

Naaman: Be content, take two talents and some clothes.

Ghazi: Thanks! Bye bye, now!

LATER

Ghazi: The perfect crime.

Elisha: Where have you been?

Ghazi: No where.

Elisha: Went not my heart with you, when the man turned again from his chariot to meet thee? Is it a time to receive money, and to receive garments, and oliveyards, and vineyards, and sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and maidservants?

Ghazi: Uh, maybe?

Elsiah: No. So, now, the leprosy of Naaman shall cleave unto you, and unto your seed forever.

Ghazi: What? Not my children. they did nothing wrong!

Elisha: Tough. Git.

Ghazi. I'm white as snow. That sucks.

2 Kings 4: Elisha Helps a debtor, Raises the Dead, and Feeds People

AT ELISHA'S PLACE

A certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets: Elisha, your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant did fear the Lord and the creditor is come to take my two sons to be bondmen.

Elisha: Life's tough all over. Shouldn't have lived beyond your means, and this wouldn't have happened.

Women: What!?

Elisha: Well, what shall I do for you? Tell me, what have you in the house?

Women: Only a pot of oil.

Elsiha: Great! Go borrow empty vessels from your neighbors. And when you go home, pour oil into all those vessels until they're all full.

Women: Hmm. Okay, I'll try it.

LATER

Women: Well, here goes nothing. Huh, I just keep filling vessels with this oil. Magic! I'll tell Elisha right now!

LATER

Elisha: Now, sell the oil, pay your debt and you and your children are free.

Women: Great! You've saved us!

Elisha: Nothing to it. Now, I must go to Shunem. Goodbye.

LATER, IN SHUMEN

Great Woman: Elisha! Good to see you again. Come, eat with us!

Elisha: Don't I always?

Great Woman: Husband, behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passes by us continually.

Husband: Huh, what? If you say so, dear.

Great Woman: Let us make a little chamber, I pray you, on the wall and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick and it shall be, when he comes to us, that he shall sleep here.

Husband: Whatever you want, dear. You do that.

Great Woman: Hear that, Elisha, you can come stay with us, anytime.

Elisha: Don't mind if I do.

THAT NIGHT

Elsha: Hey, Gehazi, my servant, call this Shunammite.

Gehazi: Okay. Hey, Great Woman!

Great Woman: Yes, Elisha, you called...for me?

Elisha: Behold, you have taken care of us very well. Is there anything I can do for you? Would you be spoken for to the king, or to the captain of the host?

Great Woman: Oh, no, nothing like that.

Gehazi: Hey, she has no kids, and her husband is old, if you get my meaning. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Elisha: Well, that I can do. Next year, about this time, you will have a son.

Great Woman: Don't lie to me, you man of God.

Elisha: You'll see.

THE NEXT YEAR

Elisha: See? Told you?

Great Woman: Thanks, Elisha!

ABOUT 18 YEARS LATER

Kid: Owww!

Father: So, what happened?

Kid: I fell down, and hurt my head!

Father: Take him to his mother.

Mother: He looks terrible.

Father: He looks dead.

Mother: Put his body on Elisha's bed. I must go out to find Elisha. I need a servant and an ass.

Father: Whatever you say, dear.

LATER, AT MOUNT CARMEL

Elisha: Hey, Gehazi, look it's that Shunammite women.

Gehazi: The one you made have a kid, I remember.

Elisha: Go ask her if everything is well.

Gehazi: Okay. Hey, lady, is everything....

Great Woman: Elisha! Oh, Elisha!

Gehazi: Lady, get a hold or yourself, you're making a scene!

Elisha: Leave her alone, something is obviously bothering her.

Great Woman: My son is dead!

Elisha: Oh, is that all. Gehazi, go to the corpse and put my staff on his face.

Great Woman: I'll go with you.

Elisha: Have fun raising the dead!

LATER

Gehazi: So, that's the body, huh? Well, he goes nothing.

Great Woman: Nothing's happening.

Gehazi: Got to say, 'm actually a little relieved. We better go get Elisha to ahndle this.

LATER

Elisha: Well, we're back. Where's the stiff?

Great Woman: Here.

Elisha: On my bed. Nice. Whew. Should open a window in here. Getting a little ripe. Here, you two get out and close the door. I'll handle this alone from here. Dear God, save the kid. Let's see, I just lay on him, put my mouth on his, hold his hands a little. Well, the body is starting to warm up. I wonder if necrophilia is the cure for all death or just this one? I must make notes. Geeze, you'd think God would just revive the child without me getting all touchy-feely.

Child: Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew! Ahchew!Ahchew! Brains!

Elisha: Hey, the kid's alive! Hey, Gahazi, call the Shunammite!

Gehazi: Okay.

Great Woman: Yes?

Elisha: Take up your son, he's alive.

Great Woman: Thank you, thank you!

Elisha: We better get to Gilgal.

LATER, IN GILGAL

Gehazi: There appears to be a dearth in the land. Here comes some sons of prophets.

Elisha: Better make some pottage, they look hungry.

Gehazi: Let's see, I've found some herbs, gourds, wild vine. Don't know what the gourds are, but, what the heck.

Elisha: Here, have some.

Son of Prophets:Thanks. This tastes...O man of God, there is death in the pot. We cannot eat.

Gehazi: Really? Huh.

Elisha: Better luck next time. Throw some meal in there, that will fix it.

Man from Baalshalisha: Here, I've brought bread of the firstfruits, twenty loaves of barley, and full ears of corn in the husk. Give it to the people, that they may eat.

Gehazi: There's not enough to feed all hundred men.

Elisha: Don't worry. Give it to the people, that they may eat, for the Lord says, "They shall eat, and shall leave."

Gehazi: Well, there they go, they're leaving after eating. And not so much as a tip.

44 So he set [it] before them, and they did eat, and left [thereof], according to the word of the LORD.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

2 Kings 3: Three Kings Against Moab

Jehoram the son of Ahab: Now, that I'm king of Israel, I think I'll do evil in the sight of God. Not like my father or mother's evil, but like Jeroboam evil.

Mesha king of Moab: Now, with Ahab dead, I'm going to rebel against the king of Israel.

LATER

King Jehoram: Mesha is revolting. Jehoshaphat, king of Judah, the king of Moab has rebelled against me, will you go with me against Moab to battle?

Jehoshaphat: I will go up, I am as you are, my people as your people, and my horses as your horses.

Jeroham: Which way shall we go up?

Jehoshaphat: The way through the wilderness of Edom.

SEVEN DAYS LATER

King of Israel: Uh, did someone forget something?

King of Judah: You mean, like water?

King of Edom: I thought that was your job.

King of Israel: Alas! The Lord has called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab!

Jehoshaphat: Is there a prophet of the Lord, that we may inquire of the Lord?

Servant: Elisha the son of Shaphat, which poured water on the hands of Elijah, is around here somewhere.

Jehoshaphat: Yes, he'll do. The word of the LORD is with him. Let's go see him. All of us.

LATER

Three Kings: Hi, Elisha.

Elisha: What have I to do with you? Go to the prophets of your father, and to the prophets of your mother.

King of Israel: No, for the Lord has called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab.

Elisha: As the Lord of hosts lives, before whom I stand, surely, were it not that I regard the presence of Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would not look toward you, nor see you. But now bring me a minstrel.

Minstrel: You called?

Elisha: Play something jaunty.

Minstral: Will do.

Elisha: That's good.

God: Take that, Elisha! *Whack!*

Elisha: The hand of the Lord just cam upon me. Thus says the Lord, "Make this valley full of ditches. You shall not see wind, neither shall you see rain, yet that valley shall be filled with water, that you may drink, both you, and your cattle, and your beasts.

Jehoshaphat: Oh, course! Dig wells! Why didn't we think of that.

Elisha: And this is but a light thing in the sight of the Lord, he will deliver the Moabites also into your hand. And you shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones.

King of Israel: I like the way you think, God. Total war.

NEXT MORNING

Elisha: See, water by the way of Edom.

MEANWHILE

Moabites: The three kings have come to fight us. Everyone, put on your armor and stand at the border. Gosh, look over there. The water over there is red as blood. Surely, the three kings have slaughtered each other.

One Moabite: Uh, guys, the sun has just come up and is shining on the water. It's pretty, but I doubt that's blood.

Moabites: Shut up, you. Let's go down and see for ourselves.

Isrealites: Yawn! Man, what a good sleep. Hey, look everyone, the Moabbites are in our camp! Get them!

Moabites: Run away!

Israelites: Wheeee! We got them! Now, men, destroy their cities, destroy their farmland and wells! Kill all the good trees! Wheeee, mindless destruction is fun!

King of Moab: We must stop them! I need 700 men! Come with me, we must stop them!

Israelites: Ha! Not a chance!

King of Moab: Eldest son, come here. Son, I've got bad news and worse news.

Eldest son: What is it, father?

King of Moab: Well, son, the bad news is that you will not be king.

Eldest son: And the worse news?

King of Moab: I'm going to offer you as a burnt offering upon the wall.

Eldest son: ...That is worse news.

2 Kings 2: Elijah Gets a Trip on a U.F.O., Elisha Gets Bears to Kill Children

God: Hey, Elijah, want to go for a ride?

Elijah: Sure, God. What you got?

God: Check it out!

Elijah: Whoa! That's some whirlwind! It's a chariot of fire with horses of fire!

God: Goes from zero to sixty in 3.5.

Elijah: Wow! Where will we going?

God: Heaven. But first, you have to go to Bethel.

Elijah: Can't you just drop me off there?

God: Naw. Maybe later. See ya.

Elisha: So, on to Bethel.

Elijah: Yeah. You stay here.

Elisha: No, let me come with you.

Elijah: Sure.

BETHEL

Sons of the Prophets that are at Bethel: Elisha, did you know that the Lord will take away your master from your head today?

Elisha: I did know that. Shut up.

Elijah: Hey, God now wants me to go to Jericho. Stay here.

Elisha: No, I want to go with you.

Elijah: Fine.

JERICHO

Sons of the Prophets that are at Jericho: Hey, Elisha, did you know that the Lord will take away your master from your head today?

Elisha: Uh, duh, everyone knows that.

Elijah: Shit. The Lord wants me to go to Jordan, now. You might as well stay here.

Elisha: No. I want to go with you.

Elijah: They're your feet.

AT JORDAN

Fifty Men of the sons of the prophets: There they are. At the river.

Elijah: Man, I hate getting my feet wet. Good thing I got my trusty cloak. Whip-pah!

Elisha: Nice. You perfectly split the water so we can walk on dry land.

One Man: I guess Elijah can't swim.

Elijah: Wow, what a day. Walking all over the place. Man, I wish god would have given us a lift in his cool whirlwind. So, what shall I do for you? No sex stuff.

Elisha: I want a double portion of your spirit be upon me.

Elijah: That's what she said. You ask for a hard thing...

Elisha: That's what he said.

Elijah: Heh. nevertheless, if you see me when I am taken from you, it shall be so, but if not, it shall not. Got it?

Elisha: Got it.

God: Yo, Elijah! I'm back!

Elisha: Wow! Check out that fire chariot! With four horse power!

Elijah: Guess my ride is here. See ya!

Elisha: Well, guess that's it. No more Elijah. I guess I'll tear my clothes in two. At least I got Elijah's mantle. Guess I'll go home.

AT THE JORDAN

Elisha: I wonder if I can do that trick with the water splitting? Let's see, where is the Lord God of Elijah? Smite! Well, hey, that worked.

Sons of the prophets: See that? He can't swim either. The spirit of Elijah does rest on Elisha. We better go down and bow to him.

Elisha: What's all this then?

Son of prophets: Behold now, there be with your servants fifty strong men, let them go, we pray you, and seek your master, in case the Spirit of the Lord has taken him up, and cast him upon some mountain, or into some valley.

Elisha: That does sound like something God would do. but, no do not go looking for him.

Sons: Please?

Elisha: Fine. Send fifty men.

THREE DAYS LATER, AT JERICHO

Sons: We can't find him.

Elisha: I told you not to go, didn't I?

Men of the city: Elisha, behold, I pray you, the situation of this city is pleasant, as my lord sees, but there is no water and the ground is barren.

Elisha: Bring me a new cruse, and put salt therein.

Men: Here you go.

Elisha: I'll just cast this in the spring of the water, like so. Thus says the Lord, "I have healed these waters, there shall not be from thence any more death or barren land."

Men: Thanks!

Elisha: Now, I need to go to Bethel. Goodbye.

LATER, ON THE ROAD

Little Children: Go up, you bald head, go up, you bald head!

Elisha: Oh, that's how it is. I curse you, in the name of the Lord, for making fun of my hair loss.

Little Children: Man, he's sensitive.

Bears: ROOOWR!

Little Children: Ahhh! Bears! We're being attacked by two she-bears! Oh, God, help us. Oh, it hurts! The teeth are ripping us to shreds! Blood! Blood everywhere! We're sorry about the baldhead, thing! Save us! Save us! ARRRRRRGH!

Elisha: Let's see. That's forty-two dead children, ripped to death by bears, for making fun of my hair-loss. That's fair. Thanks, God!

God: No problem. Glad to do it.

Elisha: Now, on to Samaria.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

2 Kings 1: God Tells Ahaziah He's Gonna Die!

Moab: So, Ahab is dead. Time to rebel!

ELSEWHERE

Ahaziah: Whoh! I just fell down through a lattice in my upper chamber in Samaria. I feel sick. Messenger!

Messengers: Yes?

Ahaziah: Go, inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease.

Servants: Okay.

ELSEWHERE

Angel of the Lord: Elijah! Hey, Elijah!

Elijah: Oh, hey, Angel of the Lord. Can I help you?

Angel of the Lord: Yes. Get up and meet the messengers of the king of Samaria, and say to them, "Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that you go to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now, therefore, says the Lord, 'You shall not come down from that bed on which you are gone up, but shall surely die.'"

Elijah: And this will mean something to them?

Angel of the Lord: Yep.

LATER

Elijah: So, that's what God said. Any questions?

Messengers: No.

LATER

Ahaziah: Messengers, back already?

Messengers: Some guy came up to us and told us to tell you that God said, "Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that you send to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Therefore, you shall not come down from that bed on which you are gone up, but shall surely die."

Ahaziah: What manner of man was he that came up to meet you, and told you these words?

Messenger: He was a hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins.

Ahaziah: Elijah. I knew it. Captain!

Captain: Yes?

Ahaziah: Go get him.

Captain: Will do.

LATER

Captain: You there, you man of God, the king has said, "Come down."

Elijah: If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume you and your fifty.

God: Oh, hey, fun! Lightening strike!

Captain: AAAAARRRGH!

LATER

Ahaziah: Captain #2, go get Elijah.

Captain: Okay?

LATER

Captain: Elijah, O man of God, thus has the king said, "Come down quickly." Please don't hurt me.

Elijah: If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume you and your fifty.

Captain: We believe you! It's not my fault! Kill Ahaziah instead!

God: Lightening strike!

Captain: ARRRRGGH!

LATER

Ahaziah: Captain #3!

Captain:...Yes, sir?

Ahaziah: Go get him.

Captain: Sir, can I at least go alone, so I can spare my men?

Ahaziah: No. Take them as well.

LATER

Captain: Elijah, O man of God, I pray you, let my life, and the life of these fifty your servants, be precious in your sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties, therefore let my life now be precious in your sight.

Elijah: Yeah, uh, you do know that I asked that God killed them, right? Why should you be any different?

Angel of God: Elijah, go down with him, be not afraid of him.

Elijah: Okay.

LATER

Ahaziah: So, there you are Elijah. Finally.

Elijah: Thus says the Lord, "Forasmuch as you have sent messengers to inquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to inquire of his word? Therefore you shall not come down off that bed on which you art gone up, but shall surely die."

Ahaziah: Fine. ARRRGGGH!

Captain: Geeze, you just had to kill 102 men for that?

Jehoram: Yay! I'm the new king!

Captain: I need a drink.

1 Kings 22: God Needs Plumbers in Heaven

THREE YEARS LATER

Jehoshaphat the king of Judah: Well, there's been three years of peace. I better go down to the king of Israel and stir things up.

MEANWHILE

Ahab, thee king of Israel: Servants, you know that Ramoth in Gilead is ours, and we have not taken it from the king of Syria?

Servants: Sure.

Ahab: Jehoshaphat, will you go with me to battle to Ramothgilead?

Jehoshaphat: I am as you are, my people as your people, my horses as your horses. But, ask at the word of the Lord today.

Ahab: Fine, prophets, should I go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall I forbear?

400 prophets: Go up, for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.

Ahab: See? 400 prophets can't be wrong.

Jehoshaphat: Is there not here a prophet of the Lord besides, that we might ask of him?

Ahab: There is yet one man, Micaiah the son of Imlah, by whom we may enquire of the Lord. But I hate him for he does not prophesy good concerning me, but evil.

Jehoshaphat: Let not the king say so.

Ahab: Fine. Officer, go get Micaiah the son of Imlah. Quickly. While we're waiting, we might as well let the other prophets prophesy for us.

Jehoshaphat: Should be good for a laugh. Call the first prophet.

Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah: Hi. Look. I made horns of iron. Thus says the Lord, "With these shall you push the Syrians, until you have consumed them."

Ahab: Very nice.

MEANWHILE

Messenger: Message for Micaiah! I have a message for Micaiah!

Micaiah: That's me.

Messenger: Ahab wants to see you. Please, all the other prophets are saying good things to him. Don't rock the boat, please?

Micaiah: As the Lord lives, what the Lord says to me, that will I speak.

Messenger: Pisser.

LATER

Ahab: So, Micaiah, shall we go against Ramothgilead to battle, or shall we forbear?

Micaiah: Go, and prosper, for the Lord shall deliver it into the hand of the king.

Ahab: I don't believe you. How many times shall I adjure you that you tell me nothing but that which is true in the name of the Lord?

Micaiah: Fine. I saw all Israel scattered upon the hills, as sheep that have not a shepherd, and the Lord said, "These have no master, let them return every man to his house in peace."

Ahab: See, Jehoshaphat? Did I not tell you that he would prophesy no good concerning me, but evil?

Micaiah: Hear you therefore the word of the Lord. I saw the Lord sitting on his throne, and all the host of heaven standing by him on his right hand and on his left. And the Lord said, "Who shall persuade Ahab, that he may go up and fall at Ramothgilead?" And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, "I will persuade him." And the Lord said unto him, "How?" And he said, "I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets." And he said, "You shalt persuade him, and prevail also, go forth, and do so." Now therefore, behold, the Lord has put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these your prophets, and the Lord has spoken evil concerning you.

Ahab: What a prick. So, God wants me to fall at Ramothgilead, and he's willing to trick me into doing it with lies. What a bastard.

Micaiah: So, you believe me?

Ahab: Nah. But it sure sounds like something God would do. But why would he let you know the truth of his plan to trick me? Surely, he's smart enough to know not to let his top secret plans to trick someone get out. Otherwise, he'd have to be an idiot.

Zedekiah the son of Chenaanah: Feel my pimp hand, Micaiah!

Micaiah: Ow! Why'd you smack me!

Zedekiah: Which way went the Spirit of the Lord from me to speak to you?

Micaiah: You shall see in that day, when you shall go into an inner chamber to hide yourself.

Ahab: Take Micaiah, and carry him back unto Amon the governor of the city, and to Joash the king's son. And say, "Thus says the king, put this fellow in the prison, and feed him with bread of affliction and with water of affliction, until I come in peace."

Micaiah: If you return at all in peace, the Lord has not spoken by me. Hearken, O people, every one of you.

Ahab: So, Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, ready to go to Ramothgilead?

Jehoshaphat: Yes.

Ahab: I will disguise myself, and enter into the battle, but put on your robes.

Jehoshaphat: Seems risky.

Ahab: Sure, but that's just the kind of guy I am.

MEANWHILE

King of Syria: Captains, fight neither with small nor great, save only with the king of Israel.

Captains: Yes, sir!

LATER

Captains: There's Ahab! Get him!

Jehoshaphat: Help!

Captains: That's not Ahab! Break off, men.

Ahab: Ha! Fooled them! Nah, nah nah nah, OW!

Chariot driver: Uh, sir, you've got an arrow in you. Right in the joint of your harness. Good shot.

Ahab: Thanks, idiot, I can see that. Now, take me off the field. I'll just watch the battle from here. I feel woozy.

Chariot driver: Well, you're bleeding like a stuck pig.

Ahab:....

Chariot driver: Medic!

Medic: He's dead.

Chariot driver: Okay, fellas, listen up! I said, LISTEN UP! Thank you. Now, everyone go home, Ahab is dead, there's no need to keep fighting. Go home. Nothing more to see here. Go home.

Medic: Uh, what about Ahab's body?

Driver: We'll bury it in Samaria. Better get going.

LATER

Medic: Done and done.

Chariot driver: Hey, look, those dogs are licking up Ahab's blood from my chariot. Just like God said. Aren't they adorable!

Medic: They think they're people!

Ahaziah, Ahab's son: Well, I guess, I'm the new king! Woohoo!

Chariot driver: What happened to Jehoshaphat?

Ahaziah: Good question.

LATER

Jehoshaphat the son of Asa: Wow, what a close one. Guess God really did try to trick us into coming here. What a prick. I better make peace with him before he does the same to me. At least I get to reign over Judah now. And I'm only 35. First, thing I'm going to do is get rid of those sodomites. That will make God happy. Then I'll try to get some gold from Ophir. That's a good plan.

LATER

Jehoshaphat: Well, that was not a good plan. Time to die.

Jehoram, his son: Yay! Now, I'm king!

Ahaziah the son of Ahab: But I'm the king of Israel. And I'm going to serve Baal, because that seemed to work out so well for everyone else!

God: Not this shit, again.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

1 Kings 21: God Punishes Ahab's Son for a Murder His Father Did Not Commit

Naboth the Jezreelite: What a beautiful vineyard I have here in Jezreel, Right next to the palace of Ahab, king of Samaria, too.

Ahab: Hi. Give me your vineyard. I want to make a spice garden. I'll replace it will a vineyard of greater value or money. Your choice.

Naboth: Oh, I couldn't! The Lord forbid it, that I should give the inheritance of my fathers to you.

Ahab: Man, this is just not my day. I'm going home to bed.

LATER

Jezebel: Honey, what's wrong? You've gone to bed without even eating. You look so sad.

Ahab: Naboth won't sell me his land. I even made a really great offer for it. I really, really, wanted that spice garden.

Jezebel: Aren't you the king of Israel? Don't be such a baby. Get up, eat something, and I'll make sure he sells his land to you.

Ahab: Really? Thanks, Jezebel, you are a wonderful wife.

LATER

Jezebel: I'll just write a couple letters in Ahab's name, seal them with his seal, and send them to the elders and nobles of the city telling them to accuse Naboth of blaspheming God and the king. Then, he will be stoned, and Ahab will get his spice garden.

LATER

Elders and Nobles: So, Ahab wants us to falsely accuse Naboth of Blaspheming God and King? Well, why not. We have nothing better to do.

LATER

Messenger: Message for Jezebel from the elders of the city of Naboth.

Jezebel: Me? Why would they send the letter to me? I sent it under Ahab's name and seal. They should have sent it to him.

Messenger: I just deliver them, lady. Do you want the message or not?

Jezebel: Sure.

Messenger: Naboth has been stoned and is dead. Stop.

Jezebel: Excellent! I'll go tell Ahab right now! Ahab, get up and get your spice garden. Naboth is dead.

Ahab: Awesome! I'll go immediately! Yay! Spice gardens!

LATER

God: Elijah! Hey, Elijah!

Elijah the Tishbite: Yes, God?

God: Arise, go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, which is in Samaria. Behold, he is in the vineyard of Naboth, where he is gone down to possess it. You tell him, I said, "Have you killed, and also taken possession?" And you shalt speak to him, saying, "Thus says the Lord, 'In the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick your blood, even yours.'"

Elijah: Okay. But, is it far to accuse Ahab of murdering Naboth? I heard that Jezebel was the one who sent the letters to the elders to kill Naboth. Heck, they even sent the letter confirming his death to her, not Ahab. Ahab appears to have no knowledge of the matter.

God: Really? You sure? I thought the letters were signed by him and sealed with his seal?

Elijah: That's because Jezebel took them, apparently. Look, if the elders of the city of Naboth could see through the deception, shouldn't you?

God: Well, be that as it may or may not be, just deliver my message.

Elijah: Yes, Lord.

LATER

Ahab: So, my old enemy, you have found me again.

Elijah: Yes, I have found you because you have sold yourself to work evil in the sight of the Lord. So, God will bring evil upon you, and take away your prosperity, and cut you off from him that pisses against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will make your house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah, for the provocation wherewith you have provoked me to anger, and made Israel to sin.

Ahab: Awful!

Elijah: And the dogs shall eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel. Him that dies of Ahab in the city the dogs shall eat, and him that dies in the field shall the fowls of the air eat.

Ahab: Uh, what has Jezebel done?

Elijah: She forged a letter in your name that got Naboth killed.

Ahab: So, God is punishing me for something my wife did without my knowledge or approval?

Elijah: Well, that, plus, you did very abominably in following idols, according to all things as did the Amorites, whom the Lord cast out before the children of Israel.

Ahab: I see. Well, I am going to rend my cloths, put on sackcloth and fast, for my shame.

God: See, Elijah, how Ahab humbles himself before me? Because he humbles himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days, but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his house.

Elijah: Really? Your going to visit evil on the son of the man who committed evil, rather than the man himself? Your ideas of justice are interesting, to say the least.

God: I try.